Am I Not Commitment-worthy?
Posted on | March 3, 2009 | 9 Comments
I’ve been having these nightmares lately that are kinda strange. In them I see Thumper and a girl who is his new girlfriend. Naturally it breaks my heart. His friends gather around me and start laughing at me. They heckle me and say such things as “Thumper doesn’t love you anymore!” “You mean nothing to Thumper!” “Thumper doesn’t give a shit about you!”
Then one guy walks up to me standing out from the rest of the crowd and calmly says to me “Hey, did you know that Thumper got with her and she even has a kid? He said he broke up with you because you’re going to have one. But you know what? It’s not your baby and never was, its you! You’re a failure! You suck! NO MAN WANTS TO COMMIT TO YOU!”
Then they all begin to laugh at me and throw things at me. I fall to my knees weeping hysterically, pictures of Thumper and his new girl smiling happy circle around me. All the jerks I’ve ever dated appear and join in the laughing. I wake up in a sweaty panic on the verge of tears.
Now this dream means two things to me. One of Thumper’s friends likes to rub it in my face that he and I are not together anymore. He always cites Thumper as a “pimp” and brags that he gets so many girls, basically hinting to me that he’s moved on. I wouldn’t expect Thumper not to have moved on, but it still hurts to hear things like that (but I think that’s the friend’s intention.) And as much as it stings me to hear I never show it. I smile graciously and ignore it. I know that he’s always hated the fact that Thumper and I were getting close since day one which I believe to be jealousy since he is the guy we met through. But add on the fact that Thumper has pulled away from me completely, no more check up phone calls, no texts, and I never see him online anymore which all leads me to believe he’s avoiding me … for some reason it kills me. I thought I had moved on. Yes, I still have feeling for him, but I was finally able to accept we were no more and start moving forward. Now I have the overwhelming urge to cling. I want him to call and tell me he still loves me and cares about me and that every thing is OK. Gah.
The second thing that the dream means to me are the words “You are a failure. You suck. NO MAN WANTS TO COMMIT TO YOU!” have been resounding over and over in my head since I “heard” them. The last part I’m wondering if it holds some truth. I’ve had one serious boyfriend and our relationship lasted 4 years, others a few months. I’ve dated some guys who were jerks, some who were not. But nothing lasted. Sometimes it was purely physical, other times they just seemed to get bored (and to my credit I’ve called off a few myself) .. and then there was Thumper. Thumper is a whole different ballgame.
I’ve taken a look at myself many times before and I wonder “Is it me? Do I suck? Am I a failure? Am I boring? Unattractive? Do I give too much? Do I not give enough? Am I too nice? Should I be a bitch?” I don’t have an answer for myself, but there are many times in my life when I do wonder if one of the above apply to me.
Or on the other hand, is it just them?
I want an answer! It drives me crazy I suppose simply because I’m a romantic at heart. I just want MY happily ever after someday, and I want the slightest glimmer of hope that YES some day I will get it. Not right now or asap, but someday. I want hope that I’m not being delusional and fooling myself when I’m destined for a lifetime of loneliness.
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9 Responses to “Am I Not Commitment-worthy?”
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March 3rd, 2009 @ 1:08 pm
You know what I think? I think that, for the most part when we date people we’re just looking for something that fits. It’s like taking 2 pieces of a puzzle and seeing if they match. Sometimes you cram them together, hoping they will. Sometimes they come close. When we’re lucky we find a matching piece. Can you really blame one puzzle piece more than the other?
When I became a mum I worried that no man would ever want to date me again. I was wrong, very much so. When it comes to finding the guy for you, worry less about commitment. If he’s the one then he’ll WANT it. If he’s not then it’s really just for the best if he moves on- let someone else take his place.
I’m sorry to hear about this Thumper guy hurting you. Moving on takes time. As far as the dreams are concerned I had some horrid ones in my pregnancy too. I doubt it’s just a subliminal message. I think the hormones are playing their part too.
I guess my best advice would be: Be the person you want to be, not to attract guys, not for anyone other than yourself. Nothing is more attractive than being happy with yourself- mummy tummy and all.
March 3rd, 2009 @ 4:34 pm
You’re right, dating is like putting pieces together or trying on shoes trying to find the perfect fit.
I used to not think anything was wrong with me, though I’ve always been conscious of correcting the dating mistakes I’ve made and not giving out the wrong messages about what I’m about to my partners.
I guess what about Thumper has thrown me for a loop is that we seemingly were perfect together. He knew it and I knew it. Every thing felt right, and I fell for him. But to just be told randomly “Hey I can’t do it anymore. This is too much. I love you very much, but what you’re going through isn’t for me. Maybe we can try this again in a couple of years?” even though he was fully aware of my situation was just like. Wow. Is it really just that, or is it really me?
I’m trying to get to a point where it doesn’t matter anymore whatever the reason may be. Normally it does not take me long to get over short relationships, but dammit this time it’s so freaking hard!
Things have gotten easier but I still miss the guy like crazy.
March 3rd, 2009 @ 6:45 pm
It’ll happen. When the time is right. TRY to have faith in that.
It’s normal to have these feelings and to feel them strongly. It’s probably a mixture of the already intense emotions you’re working with plus the fact that your world has been flipped upside down in a way that isn’t in line with what you’d envisioned for yourself.
TRY to embrace your you-ness. Everything’s going to fall into place.
March 3rd, 2009 @ 6:47 pm
Ooh, I just read the first comment and I must ditto it.
March 3rd, 2009 @ 10:57 pm
JME and I were well on our way to beginning a relationship when I found out I was pregnant.
Then he pretty much stopped talking to me.
I was hurt, obviously. I still resented him for it for a long time.
Long enough that when we had our first fight as a couple it came up.
It turns out that the reason he stopped talking to me is because he figured he didn’t have a chance and he should move on.
He thought that just because Jorty and I were going to have a baby that it meant we were going to be together too.
It was until he figured out that Jorty never had a chance, that our relationship did.
Maybe he kind of feels that way too?
Either way, I doubt that it’s you.
A baby is a lot of commitment, even for the mom-to-be, so it can be a paralyzing thought for someone who isn’t as intimately involved in everything as we are.
He may just not be ready for it.. he may not feel that he can love and care for your child in the way that you’d need him to in your relationship.
Regardless, you’re going to find someone, some day, that loves you and your child.
It may not happen as quickly as we’d like, but it will happen.
You don’t need a man. You’re strong and you can do it on your own.
You may want one, or think you need one, but he’s not a necessity.
You’ve got a new man in your life (soon, lol) and it’s going to be lonely sometimes, but most of the time you won’t have any time to dwell on being single!
Relish in your time alone while you can mama lol
March 3rd, 2009 @ 10:59 pm
Oh, and like Satsuki said, strange pregnancy dreams are SO normal lol.
I used to have dreams that my ex (not The Boy’s father) would try to come and kidnap my son when he was sleeping in his playpen. It got to the point that I locked all of my doors when he was sleeping in it after he was born lol
March 4th, 2009 @ 5:12 am
OMG Nicole I had those dreams every single night in January. I would be dreaming that my BD would come steal our baby from me since every time we got in a fight he would threaten to take our son and try to get full custody. But those dreams disappeared the night I called him and he said he was “too sick” to hear the sex of the baby. Doesn’t sound like a man who has too much motivation to be the sole parent of a child.
March 4th, 2009 @ 5:19 am
Heather – I keep telling myself some day it will happen and it doesn’t bother me too much. Some days I don’t feel in a rush for love, but then other days I flip out. Hormones? Yes, probably. It gets really bad on the days that I miss Thumper and dwell on our break up.
Nicole – that makes perfect sense and I can see how he would figure BD would be in our lives. When he came to stay with me pieces of my BD were EVERYWHERE. His pics on my computer (I don’t delete them cause I want my son to know what he looks like) clothes and other personal items he left behind. I could tell it made him very uncomfortable although my BD means nothing to me.
Also I can see how he may not be ready. He lived a very sheltered life and he’s just starting to break free from that and experience things. I can understand that and totally support it. It’s just hard because he was the first guy I ever got this special feeling about that I can’t explain. It would be nice if some day things could work out for us the way it did for you and JME.
March 4th, 2009 @ 11:40 pm
Yeah, JME occasionally brings up the photos of BD and I know it bothers him that BD stays with us when he comes to visit but 1) the photos around are just for my son — the only ones that are up are in his room and 2) absolutely nothing has/would ever happen with him spending the night. I just let him do it because I’m afraid that if he had to start paying for a hotel (we live 5 hours apart from each other) that it would just be another excuse not to see his son
But, I can definitely understand any man’s hesitation to become seriously involved with a single mom when they’re afraid that despite what we may feel for them, we’re just going to up and leave them for our BDs. NOT going to happen (at least for me lol, some single moms may feel differently).
For me, that’s all in the past — it barely even WAS anything — and I’m looking forward to the future, hopefully with JME. The facts are: BD is always going to be a part of my life because he is always going to be a part of my son’s life. Case closed.
Some guys (some that I know personally) are just too insecure to see things the way they really are.
IMHO, of course