Posted on | March 9, 2009 | 2 Comments
Ironically after I made my last post Thumper got in contact with me through AIM and we chat a couple of times. We talked things through and seemed to reach a good level of understanding which was great. He told me he missed me and couldn’t wait to see me again and I felt the same way. Yay yay happy joy.
Fast forward to today, I had trouble sleeping this morning and so I laid up in bed and thought a lot of him. I missed him being around. So I texted him and told him so. Just a simple “Hey. I’m thinking about you. I miss you right now.”
His response? Honestly? …….. “Thank you ”
Wow. What the fuck am I doing? I’m so getting played up and down and I’m allowing it to happen. Doesn’t it seem that way to you guys? I’ve cared about the boy, yes, but he’s turning me into a girl I have never been. I look like a fool. I’m being foolish. I’m chasing after a boy and he’s sitting back enjoying this.
I’m livid. At myself, at him, but at myself. It’s so time to get my life and myself on track. I need to try my damnedest to forget about and get over these stupid fucking boys. They are seriously ruining me and I’ve let them do it. I can do better and I deserve better. For my fucking sanity.
(BTW I’m tired of his little “You only want me around because your baby’s dad isn’t” cracks at me. YOU WANTED TO BE AROUND! You begged ME to be there instead of him. I wanted you around because I truly cared about you and wanted you in my life. Not to have you replace anyone … but obviously wanting that was a mistake)
It’s so hard to gather up the strength .. the strength to heal, the strength to move on, the strength to forget. I feel so vulnerable and stupid. I don’t know how to handle being in this position. I just wanna break down.