Fear of My Child’s Father

Posted on | May 1, 2009 | 2 Comments

So I did respond to Daddy. I just couldn’t help myself because I’m tired of the way he treats me. I let him abuse me verbally and emotionally for so long. I let him make me feel like shit .. I just kept my mouth shut. I quietly hoped if I didn’t egg him on he would calm down and realize that I’m a great girl, a keeper, worth having. I hoped we could try to make our obviously doomed “relationship” work. I felt like I had no other choice because I was so scared and couldn’t imagine being a single mother. I didn’t want to be, I didn’t wish that on myself or my child.

It wasn’t until December after staying with Daddy for 2 weeks up until Christmas that I realized this wasn’t going to work. That I was the only one trying and he wasn’t going to change. He wasn’t going to give up drugs, he wasn’t going to consistently treat me the way I deserve, he wasn’t going to adjust to being a father beyond “YAY! A BABY!”

One night we fought. He yelled at me. He called me an idiot, he called me a whore, he called me a dirty nigger (he’s white), and he tried to make me feel like I was the most worthless thing he’s ever fucked. To top everything off he threatened that since I wanna fuck shit up by talking up for myself and disagreeing with his lifestyle, he said that once my son is born and he has proof that he is the father that I would never see my son again. And it would be my fault.

It was then that I decided me and Jakobe would never be back. I never wanted to see him again. I realized once and for all that I would LOVE to be a single mother to my child, rather than be with him and allowing him, this monster, to actively be around and influencing the baby.

……………………….

Since that message yesterday and since I responded I feel so haunted by him. Yes I have thought about him every day. Not in a stressful way, but that I just wish things didn’t have to be the way they are and what if they were different. Now I feel so disturbed and, for some reason, scared.

I’m starting to have those nightmares that I had at the beginning of my pregnancy where he would get in my face and degrade me in the worst of ways and then at some point start beating me. In some dreams he even tries to kill me. Then as the dream climaxes he always kidnaps my son. I see his back turned to me fleeing in a hurry from wherever we are. I’m laying there crying my eyes out and pleading with him to give me my baby. I’m trying to hold on to whatever physical strength I have left to get up from the ground and chase after him to wrestle my son back, but I can’t.
My son looks back at me with so much fear in his eyes. He’s only a few months old, but he reaches out to me. Once he realizes that he’s getting further and further away from me he starts crying … fainter .. fainter … then he and his cries disappear.
Every single time it’s the same thing, different scenarios. Even before I knew I was having a boy.
Every single time I wake up at this moment drenched in sweat. My heart is racing, I’m on the verge of tears. I scream out “JAKOBE!” and look around frantically for my son until I realize he’s still safe in my body, close to me. I feel dizzy and collapse back on the bed.

Why do I have these dreams? Please God don’t let this ever happen.

Comments

2 Responses to “Fear of My Child’s Father”

Satsuki
May 1st, 2009 @ 3:40 pm

Well, if you're someone who believes in the meaning of dreams then I'd say you must be afraid now. Your dreams are showing that. I would say more but it the scenario seems to explain itself. You don't want this to happen and, right now, you're stressed and worried. Add the pregnancy hormones to that and you've got a recipe for bad dreams.

Actually I relived some of my worst fears while pregnant as well- an ex whom I still loved insulting me and leaving for another woman, looking at me with pity and nothing else. Yeahhhh, bad hormones there since the event never happened nor did anything even close to that.

I'm sorry to hear of all this crud. People need good sleep, even more so when you're pregnant. =/
NewSingleMama
May 1st, 2009 @ 9:20 pm

I hope that's all it is! Hormones. At first these dreams didn't bother me. They were disturbing, but I'd get over it.

I guess I just realized how much unwarranted hatred he has for me that he probably wish I were dead right now. Once I started back having these dreams I think about ll of the times he threatened that I would never see the baby again to get his way. I think about how crazy he can be and how his drugs will probably make him do anything some day. That's when I get concerned.

But hopefully it's not to happen.