I’m Trying to be Nonchalant About It
Posted on | May 27, 2009 | 7 Comments
So I talked to him. I don’t even want to say his name. He apologized for disappearing out of my life for the past 2 months and went on to attempt a deep conversation with me.
“I want to change my life”, he said. “I realize that I’ve done a lot to fuck things up, but the reason I did that was because I still have so many feelings for my ex and I haven’t known how to contain them.”
Wow. Really? I immediately I felt a sharp pain right through my chest. A pain that made me feel weak. It was a dagger slicing it’s sharp blade right through my heart and oh shit was it’s sudden impact killing me.
He continued, “I’ve been having sex so much lately and I think I’m going to give that up. I just don’t want to be this person anymore”
BAM! I’m breathless and feel the blow of a champion boxer’s fist sinks right in my stomach. The tears immediately well up in my eyes and I try my damnedest to choke them back. I want to puke.
“Yeah I’m going to give that up. But I’m afraid if I keep talking to girls I won’t stop. But that’s all I have in my life right now is girls.”
Now I’m excusing myself to puke in the waste basket next to my bed.
How could he even think I’m ready to hear this? I suppose it’s not his fault, it’s been months. The better question is how did I managed to be so strong while listening? To not break down the way I wanted to. To not scream “What about me? Don’t you know I still love you? Was I nothing to you this whole time? I thought I was .. at least thats what you told me”. How did I manage to pretend I understood every thing he was saying and was happy for him?
I mean I’ve moved on. The past couple of months I had been rekindling with an ex before he moved out of state earlier this month. Yes, I liked my ex. I still like him and it was so great to see him again, but things just aren’t the same with him. This nameless guy was still on my mind. Guilty. I would’ve rather been laying in bed with him at night. Kissing him, getting my bear hugs and tummy rubs from him. Although they were really nice coming from the ex they just weren’t the same. Guilty, guilty. I’m so guilty.
“So how are you doing? Are you feeling ok?”, he inquired.
“Yeah I’m great.” I lied. “My life is wonderful and I’m so happy right now”.
He asked a couple more questions before continued on talking about his great life without me. I die.
When will I ever get this right? When will my heart ever completely give him up? I finally feel like it’s so time.
Comments
7 Responses to “I’m Trying to be Nonchalant About It”
Leave a Reply
May 28th, 2009 @ 1:50 am
First, I’d like to say I really enjoy reading your posts. I’m in the same situation right now, 29 weeks…useless donor. Yes, we need to give them up even though we always hope it could be right. The only way it will ever be right is to finally, completely, and totally let go and find someone who TRULY loves us for the people we are. By then they’ll know what sorry bastards they are, and it will be their own personal moral dilemma to deal with. We have no need for them. We are the strong, they are the weak. Everyday is a battle, everyday I still cry. I’m sure a lot of it is hormones, but there’s nothing like the ultimate rejection of an absent father who you once so entirely gave your heart to. I’m obviously not over mine, but I try so hard to be. It is the waiting. Waiting for them to call, waiting to hold that precious little bundle so you can move forward. So close, we’ll make it and be thankful we did it the way we did! I want to be the biggest bitch in the world and totally cut him off, but I realize that that just gives him an excuse. That shitty little door must stay cracked. Besides even if you shut it, they can legally pry it back open umpteen yrs. from now if they want. It is, and will continue to be a fine line that’s hard for us to walk. Don’t give in to him. What kind of a heartless ass would call you and tell you about all the girls he’s been with while you daily face hell carrying his child. Not to mention at the same time try to make you feel wanted by saying they’re just girls? He must think he’s pretty clever, ha! Anyway, I wish you the best and will continue to check in
If you want to email me feel free anytime.
May 28th, 2009 @ 8:20 am
I would’ve ended the conversation right then and there- or at least blown up and said the things you wanted. Next time don’t listen. Just cut him off and tell you honestly don’t want to know about all of the women he’s having risky sex with or the ex he’ll never get back. You don’t have to be nice. You owe it to yourself to take care of YOU- not his feelings.
Oddly enough this reminds me of when I was preggo. It was 2 weeks before my 21st b-day, late 2nd/3rd trimester. I was staying at a homeless shelter after leaving him and my ex called my cell phone drunk gushing about how he was changing and had cut back to only drinking on the WEEKENDS. Ugh. Guys can be such crap.
May 28th, 2009 @ 2:01 pm
Athiker – This guy actually wasn’t my son’s donor, but a guy I dated and really fell for later.
I completely get what you’re saying though. I was there with the BD and it was hard. He was no different bragging to me about all the internet girlfriends and 12 year olds he had chasing after his no good ass. That made me sick because here I was worried crazy about how I was going to be a mom at the time, willing to do nearly anything to make a relationship with him work so I wouldn’t have to do this alone. But there he was living his life freely and unattached to both me and a kiddo. It pissed me off so much and it hurt!
It took some time but I did get over him and I stopped caring about what he’s doing especially when I came to terms with the fact that I didn’t really want him, I wanted a perfect, loving, happy family and he was never going to give me that. No matter if we were together or not.
May 28th, 2009 @ 2:06 pm
Satsuki – You’re right. He presented to me that he had a problem and life had been tough lately. Being that we were friends I heard him out since lord knows how any times he heard me out when I was down .. but I wasn’t expecting this. I didn’t think he would ever go there with me no matter what but he did. I don’t even know who he is anymore.
All I knew at the time was that I didn’t want to be the girl who broke down and cried for him like some clingy desperate chump like I did in the past. I felt I was handling it correctly by showing composure.
I immediately blocked him from everything though. I can’t handle this. I don’t have the time and he can’t be in my life if he can easily hurt me so bad that it makes me physically ill.
May 28th, 2009 @ 6:40 pm
Big hugs, honey. You will have bigger and better things to occupy your thoughts SO soon!
I know how bad it hurts, and I really do wish I could give you a big ol’ hug right now. Or send you off to the spa for the day…
Stay strong, Momma. You really are doing amazingly well!
May 28th, 2009 @ 6:49 pm
I know you’re not talking about BD, but this still relates in a way… every time Anna’s dad started showing me attention again, it would rekindle any lingering feelings I had for him. This would happen to me over, and over, and OVER again. It didn’t stop even after I found out that he had slept with quite a few girls between the time I got pregnant to the first time he saw Anna when she was 4 months old. I was starved for male attention, and if he was the best I could do at the moment, so be it.
It takes a hell of a long time to completely give up a guy, and it SUCKS to be pulled back in all the time. I really feel like I’m over him for good now, but it took me over 1 1/2 years to get to this point. Just stay strong and remember that there are so many amazing men out there. We can’t let the bad ones bring us down!
June 1st, 2009 @ 4:23 am
[...] it. Fuck him. I really can’t do it anymore. I’ve spent 5 months with him on my mind. 5 months [...]