Push, Bridgette! Push!
Posted on | May 30, 2009 | 5 Comments
Fuck it. Fuck him. I really can’t do it anymore. I’ve spent 5 months with him on my mind. 5 months worrying about him more than I have any other guy before. 5 months stressing, dreaming, giving him so much of my energy .. and he’s not even thinking of me. He doesn’t love me like he said. He doesn’t want to get back with me in a year or so like he said. And even if he does? I don’t want to be with him anymore. I hardly even want to be his friend. All those glorious things I once thought of him have been crushed. He’s just another one of a million assholes out there and they come a dime a dozen. He’s no angel like her persuaded me to believe, just another piece of shit. Why waste the time? I realize now more than ever that the man who will make me happy and be the TRUE one for me will never hurt me like this. Intentional or not. I realize this and I’m done wasting my time, energy, emotion, tears on someone who never deserved them from the beginning.
It’s not hard to see why I was so into him. He made his move on me at a perfect time. I was hurt and vulnerable over the reality that my dreams were not going to come true with Daddy. I was not going to have a perfect family, with a perfect, loving mother and father joined with a perfect baby. I was not going to be Mrs. Cleaver 2009. And I was accepting that. No, I wasn’t looking for immediate love nor was I looking for a immediate replacement father for my child, but I was looking for a friend. Someone I could confine in and talk to about everything. Someone who would listen and uunderstand. Someone who would comfort me and wipe away me tears.He was there.
He was amazing and he was my rock. He would comfort me, support me and he made me see the good in every thing. Not only that he made me feel beautiful, he made me feel special. He was a guy who was there caring for me when other guys were running because they expect the worst from pregnant chicks. How could I have not fallen inlove with him? That all makes sense. He was perfect. But not really.
All of this .. all I’ve went through with men in the past and present, everything I’ve witnessed and learned about relationships .. it all inspires me to work harder to be an excellent mom. I have a little man who I am in charge of raising. What type of man he will be solely relies on me and I refuse to fail. I refuse to add on to the asshole population. I refuse to have a poor girl 18 years from now feel the way I do by actions of my boy. It’s just not going to happen.
Not to this perfect little boy who is my strength. This perfect little boy who is the reason I’m living right now and look forward to life. The perfect little boy who is the reason I’m up at 5:13 working when I’d rather be sleeping.
And from this moment on I push forward leaving back the past, but not forgetting what it has taught me. From this moment on I push forward not only for myself but for my perfect baby boy.
Tags: getting over my ex > inspiration > raising a son
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5 Responses to “Push, Bridgette! Push!”
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May 30th, 2009 @ 7:21 pm
I’m tearing up over here.
<3
June 1st, 2009 @ 4:32 am
July 21st, 2009 @ 3:11 pm
i thought i was the only one who felt this way…i felt like i wrote those words…im 19, pregnant and without my babydaddy ,im 36 weeks now and i thought by this time we would still be together happy as ever..but i jus read some messages lately from him to another girl and they were so hurtful..even tho were on a break he shouldnt be telling ANOTHER female those things..hes twenty fuckin SEVEN ud think by now he would want to settle down!!!
March 9th, 2010 @ 1:57 am
Bridgette,
I want to thank you so much for posting these and I hope you see my comment. After having to go through a similar situation to yours twice to two different men, I have a 13 month old son and am now 15 weeks pregnant, you are an inspiration to me. For the past two months of feeling depressed, crying everyday, and doing nothing besides sitting in my room on my computer feeling helpless, I found your blog today. You have truly inspired me. Slowly I’m realizing that I don’t need this baby’s father in my life that I’ve been hurt by so many times. I also refuse to fail as a mother and refuse to let some other girl in the future to be hurt the way I am from actions by my son. My kids will know right from wrong. Thank You!
March 12th, 2010 @ 5:26 pm
Thanks Angela. It means alot to me that my blog has helped you out
Stay strong! You can do this!