Lonely, Depressed, Distressed …
Posted on | January 21, 2009 | 4 Comments
Today I just had a realization of how alone I am. How upside down my world is. How my life is nothing like I imagined. How I feel so ashamed and disappointed with myself.
Saying I’m alone could be a huge stretch, I do have family members, most of which are excited about my child .. but I’m not exactly close with my family because I’m not much like them and I don’t agree with how they see a lot of things. I think about some of their beliefs being put in my baby’s head and it scares the crap out of me. For instance it pisses me off that my mom is already being so prejudice and she doesn’t understand just how much it offends me when she says she hopes she doesn’t have a “white” grand baby. She hopes it looks a certain way, acts a certain, doesn’t acknowledge that not only is it black, it’s half-Italian too .. WTF?! The baby is half-white, that’s just a fact. And if it does come out looking more like Daddy than it does me what’s it matter? It’s still my child and still her grandchild.
Also she basically just wants to take my child away because she believes my whole lifestyle is just wrong and that I would fill my own child up with “foolishness”. Because I’m open-minded? Because I’m accepting of others? Because I’m fun-loving? Why? She never answers.
*As for my friends? Well, they can’t imagine what I’m going through so they can’t understand and have nothing to say. Therefore I have no one to talk to.
*My baby’s father is a loser meth-addict who never deserved me to begin with and doesn’t deserve our child, but at the same time he’s hurting us so much because my baby needs it’s father .. especially if it’s a little boy. I have no male role models for him. Why can’t he get his shit together? He got everything he wanted .. he got me pregnant and he’s tied to me forever now. So how can he not give a shit right now? Your wish came true and you don’t want to man up? What was the point? Why did you go through so much trouble to lie and impress me? Was it all just for the extra drama in your life? WTF, dude?!
*The fucking economy sucks. I’m self employed and lately work sucks when it used to be booming. I’ve been surviving off my savings which are dwindling. How can I raise a child in this? Right now I have nothing to give. I can barely afford to feed myself AND keep a roof over my head. How can I feed and house myself and my little kiddo too? Right now I’m working 2 jobs 24/7, just napping when I can trying to make ends meet ..
*I’m tired of people judging me and feeling sorry for me or like they’re better than me because I’m a single mom, alone and pregnant. I can’t even hold a conversation with a guy in a friendly way without him assuming I’m on the hunt for a replacement of a baby’s daddy. I have a baby, not a disease. Why is it assumed that I NEED a man? Why is it assumed I made all the wrong choices in life, that I have a MISTAKE growing inside of me and my life is just headed nowhere but down … like I’m a pity to be around.
*Lastly, I thought I had a man who understood it all. Someone who got me and was on a level with me like no one else was. I did something with him that I never do .. I fell inlove. He told me he wanted me, told me he wanted my baby which I asked him repeatedly not to say but he swore he meant it all. I gave myself to him and what did he do? He left me and broke my heart almost right away. Saying he wanted me and the baby only hurts because I feel lied to and used. Why did he do that? What was the point? I just can’t understand how he keeps talking to me now swearing he loves me so much, yet he no longer wants me. He wants me in the future, but he doesn’t want me now. Why not? What’s suddenly so wrong with me? It kills me because I can’t make sense of it.
How do I handle all of this? I don’t know. I still wake up every morning, my heart is still beating .. so I guess I’m making it. How long can I go on? I have no idea.
I’m trying to be strong and go on, I’m trying to see the brighter side. For short moments I connect with this little one inside of me and I break down crying. I want all the best, I want to be a great mom and so far everything is just so freaking lousy. So the night is darkest just before the dawn .. when will I see my dawn?
Tags: daddy (the ex) > family > financial struggles > loneliness
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4 Responses to “Lonely, Depressed, Distressed …”
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January 21st, 2009 @ 1:55 am
Wanna know a secret? Although your going through hell with your baby’s dad and the end of your relationship, you can attribute at least some of your see-saw emotions to your pregnancy. Your baby is luck to have a mum who loves them enough to worry about this sort of stuff. And although you feel like its all falling down on you, you are strong enough to deal with this and anything else that life throws your way. If you ever need to talk, you still have my email address.
Hope you feel better about your life soon, and that things pick up soon for you
January 21st, 2009 @ 6:42 am
I have to agree with Tam. I’d be more worried if you weren’t concerned about all of this.
You’re going to do a great job!
I know because I’ve been there, not too long ago.
I finally came out of denial about my pregnancy and started coming to terms with it almost exactly two years today. Two years from this coming Monday was my first ultrasound.
I wasn’t in a relationship, it was more of a continuous one night stand sort of thing.
He assumed that I did that with everyone (I didn’t, just him) and completely denied our son for the first year. He didn’t even tell his parents about him.
You can do this. You don’t need him or anyone else.
I met someone and I care about him a lot, but it was almost a year and a half after my son was born before I was ready to date again. I just never felt right before that. I got lucky and found a man that not only cares about me, but he truly cares about my son as well — but I don’t NEED him.
My son always comes first.
My son’s father is portuguese, very very portuguese (I’m very very NOT portuguese lol) and my mom thinks it’s funny to tease my son about it and there are names involve and things like that…
I’m not going to lie, I can’t even imagine your situation but even though I know she loves him very much, it still hurts a little bit.
I just have to accept that she grew up in a different time than I did and she was taught differently and I have to keep telling her how uncomfortable and upset it makes me feel. Because if I don’t then it’ll all build up one day and I’ll say something then and she’ll claim she never knew, right?
If it bothers you, speak up to your mother. Just keep your feelings in check and show her how adult you’re being.
It’s not her decision if she gets to keep your child or if you do.
You’re already making great decisions for your child and yourself.
You can do it!
There are going to be A LOT of frustrations along the way, but I promise that every single one of them are worth it.
Every single one.
January 21st, 2009 @ 9:59 pm
You guys are amazing, Thanks Tam and Nicole it feels really good to me to know there are some people out there who understand, have been there, are supportive.
I know my life and my child’s life are better without my babys father .. but when I’m struggling like I have been I just wanna scream at him to help out .. if he can get $1,000 to bail his druggy friend out of jail, can’t he come up with that much for his own child so I don’t have to go through all this stress? Ugh!
Also, my mom knows this stuff bothers me because I’ve brought it up to her numerous times, but she just doesn’t care. She thinks she knows better than I do in everything. It’s all just another reason why I can’t be too close to her.
March 22nd, 2009 @ 6:39 pm
I'm a black mother raising my two Biracial children solo, too. I'm saddening to hear about your mom's racial attitudes. My children have very fair complexions, so I'm sure she'd have a cow if JackJack comes out looking like them. lol!
1. I can not stress to you how important it is for you to be WITHOUT a love interest right now. You must allow yourself to FULLY metamorphosize ALONE.
2. I can not stress to you how important it is for you to TRULY ACCEPT your pregnancy, ENJOY your pregnancy, and STOP APOLOGIZING for your pregnancy.
3. I can not stress to you how important it is for you to connect and stay connected with a high power because that's what is going to get you through.
4. I can not stress to you how important it is for you to hold your back straight and your head up high and ACCEPT YOURSELF.
When a parent abandons a child, I seem like one of the most cruelest things in the world. But think about it, would you really want you son to grow up with Daddy as his role model?
I think the larger issue is that you need to come to terms with the fact that Daddy abandoned YOU. Realized that people don't NEED a good reason to leave you.
You could have been (and probably were) the best woman in the world to him. Please understand this, some people can NEVER be satisfied with ANYONE or ANYTHING … and that's not YOUR fault.