I Hate This Part
Posted on | August 21, 2009 | 11 Comments
It never fails. He’s in and out of my life, making me promises .. promises I hardly believe, yet I always have hope. Somehow my mind seems to always erase the bad and try to dig for the good. Somehow I continue to love him in a morbidly masochistic kind of way. I’m not in love with him, but I love him .. he gave me the best gift in the world, how could I not?
Secretly in my mind I’m jealous of his new girlfriend. Past the initial weeks of our relationship he never did value me or love me like he lead me to believe he would, but I wish he did.
I wish the world were perfect and that he would come around and shape up dramatically. I wish he would want me again, like he obsessively wanted me when he first met me.
I dream of us being a family. I think of us making more perfect babies .. because dammit if we don’t make great babies together.
I dream of Jack smiling to see him, giving him big hugs and saying “I love you, Daddy!” and I dream of him being touched and saying “I love you too, son” and actually meaning it. I dream of them having this great, loving father/son relationship. I dream of him being so proud of his son and wanting to be there for him every step of the way.
Why do I care? Why do I still think of him every single day when if it wasn’t for our son I would’ve never called him again back in October ’08 after our first break up? Why do I let him stress and depress me like this? My world is flipped AGAIN. How many times will my heart be broken by him? HOW FUCKING MANY?!
I just want to fuckin forget him, but I can’t. I just want to be emotionally numb to him, but I’m not.
Gat-fuckin-dammit.
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11 Responses to “I Hate This Part”
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August 21st, 2009 @ 7:05 pm
That post is nearly word-for-word how I felt for MONTHS after Anna was born. I was constantly forgetting all the negative experiences and focusing solely on the positives. Of course, all I want to say to you (and anyone else who feels this way) is “don’t waste your energy doing this to yourself!”…. but yet no matter how much my friends told me to get over it, I just kept holding on, too.
It’s going to take time — LOTS of time — to stop feeling this way. Just know that the feelings WILL slowly start to fade and become nearly nonexistent, even if it takes the whole first year of Jack’s life (or more) to finally get past the feelings.
August 22nd, 2009 @ 2:18 am
You seem very conflicted – and really, who can blame you. I guess the ultimate thought now for you has to be what, at the end of the day, is best for you son. Your focussing on the positive things about your relationship with “daddy” because your trying to rationalise to yourself that he isn’t scum, he has some redeeming qualities, and therefore maybe your relationship could work. Unfortunately, the only thing you can change in a relationship is yourself. If he doens’t want you, or your son, then perhaps its best to cut your loses and raise your son with a firm foundation of how to treat a woman, and to know that although his father wasn’t there for him, you always will be.
They say kids need their fathers. In some cases, i think they are better off without them.
Good luck with whatever you decide, your not on an easy path but i know eventually, you will be happy and settled. And your already a wonderful mother.
August 22nd, 2009 @ 7:50 am
Uggggh – this is so tough. I really admire that despite all the hurt, you still look for the good in people – that is an invaluable asset. But, at the same time, it just seems like your BD isn’t capable of growing up to the man you wish him to be. I don’t know if his constantly coming in and out of Jack’s life is all that healthy for Jack – if he cannot commit to being a permanent fixture in Jack’s life. I think Tam King gave really really good advice. For you, its best to move on, despite the daily reminder of him you live with. For Jack, he may just be better off without him, and perhaps you’ll meet another guy who can be a father-figure to Jack as he gets older….
August 22nd, 2009 @ 10:08 am
Lauren – I went back to your blog and read from the beginning and you’re so right! We were in very similar situations.
I know he’s trash. I know he’s not worth my time .. I barely even wanted anything to do with him before our child. I know that he’ll never be a good influence for my son. But for some reason I continue to dream he will .. but not the reality that he will cause I doubt it but I continue to fantasize. I try so dang hard to stop cause I know it’s a waste of time but for some reason I just can’t. And it makes it even harder when he shows up.
I’m hoping that with time the fantasies will go away.
August 22nd, 2009 @ 10:14 am
tam – you’re pretty much right. Except I don’t focus on his good qualities thinking that someday we could work on. I focus on things they way they are and I get stuck in an emotional rut of why. Why he has to be the way he is when things could be so much better, when he could be so happy .. when we all could be a family.
It’s dumb and it’s a waste of my time, but my mind always drifts there. I hate it!
You’re right. I can’t change him .. I don’t think anyone ever could. He was way much more growing up to do than most men his age. And you’re right that he shouldn’t even be in my sons’ life because I NEVER want my son to grow up being like his father.
These are just things I know but REALLY need to accept and I’m working on it.
August 22nd, 2009 @ 10:16 am
CMC – Thank you. You’re right about all of that and I know it.
August 25th, 2009 @ 11:16 am
One day you are going to be so surprised at how much you DON’T care about him. One day you are going to be so emotionally divorced from him as a man – AND as a father – that whether he contributes to Jack’s life or not will be irrelevant to you. All you will focus on is your life as Bridgette, and who you are as Jack’s mommy. Everything else will fall away. I tell you this from almost 3 years of experience. It used to hurt so bad I thought I’d go crazy, now I’m so free that my life is utterly my own again on every level. You’ll get there too!
August 25th, 2009 @ 11:24 am
[...] like I’m cooped in with no where to go. I feel like I just can’t escape my thoughts of him. I feel like he is haunting me every where I turn! [...]
August 25th, 2009 @ 11:36 pm
SMNYC – That was such an inspiring post. I really hope that there comes a day when all of this will no longer matter. When he will be a non-issue. When I can be where you are mentally.
When you were going through a similar experience and hurt by your ex how did you manage to cope and heal to get to where you are now?
September 19th, 2009 @ 3:19 pm
[...] sexual relationships and getting what I wanted out of them, that after everything that has happened I miss my child’s father, that I now have a weight problem, that money is hard yet I still spend foolishly, that I’ve [...]
May 23rd, 2011 @ 7:51 am
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