Having Second Thoughts Today
Posted on | November 11, 2008 | 5 Comments
Another day and I am trying to get by. I managed to successfully wake up this morning and see that the father of my child had not called me, messaged me or emailed me (the last time I have talked to him is Friday) and I did not cry.
I managed to go through most of the day with my head held up high. But tonight about 2 hours ago I started panicing and having a change of heart.
I can’t stop thinking about the father of my child. I hate his fucking guts. I wish nothing but bad karma and unhappiness for him. I hope every moment he has alone he is thinking of me and our baby. But I doubt it. I’d love more than anything to know whats going on in his head. Why does he hate me? Why did he feel the need to abuse me and kick me out of his life like I am nothing when I am carrying his child?
How can he go from being so excited about our baby one day and the next telling me to get rid of it and saying he doesn’t wanna be there for us?
Everything would be a lot easier for me right now if I did not regret him. I think about my baby. how am I going to manage the rest of my life being connected to this major asshole? How am I ever gonna stand the feeling of breaking my child’s heart when he asks me “Where is my daddy?” and I have to explain to him that his daddy does not want him? How am I ever gonna suffer through this pregnancy alone and being a single mother giving up my free life as I know while his ass gets off scotch free? It’s not fair.
Now I’m wondering if all by myself I can even provide the best life for my child that it deserves? It’s like I have no options. I think about an abortion and killing my baby .. I break down and cry I can;t do it.
I think about carrying my baby for 9 months, bonding with it an handing it over to a couple who wants to adopt it and I cry.
I think about not giving my kid the life it deserves as a single mom and i cry.
WHAT THE FUCK CAN I DO?!
I’m so devestated right now that all I can do is cry. I just can’t come up with a solution.
I feel like the biggest scum of the earth right now for putting myself and especially my child in this position. Its not that I don’t want my baby its jsut that I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing or what i need to do.
I’m so sorry baby!!
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5 Responses to “Having Second Thoughts Today”
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June 18th, 2009 @ 7:22 am
Hi,
I have to say I feel really comforted by your post because its exactly how I feel and you put it all down so well. I feel really sorry for you but know you are doing the right thing. I am 7 months pregnant and the father of my baby is a total arsehole. He spent months emailing me trying to bully me into having an abortion. We were only together on and off last year for about 6 months and it was mostly just a physical thing. We did get on well sometimes (incredibly well sometimes) but he is sexist and racist and from a very different culture to me.
Even now when I should be relaxing he is causing me all sorts of worries (long story and I shouldn’t go into it) but throughout it all I’m scared of the birth, scared anything will happen to her and scared I will be alone forever. I’m also scared he will never pay a penny in maintenance (he was made redundant earlier this year) and now lives abroad. I’m scared I’ll never see him again (only seen him 3 times since I told him I’m pregnant) but then scared I will never be rid of him and be able to get over him.
Anyway – its a horrible time. I hope you have good friends and family around you. That is one thing that has kept me strong because really he has made this much harder than it has to be. He says he wants 0% commitment to the child. I don’t even know if I hate him anymore I’m just resigned and tired of him. We are poles apart as people.
Your baby will love you by the way – don’t worry.
June 24th, 2009 @ 5:41 pm
I remember all of those feelings and I remember all of that drama with the BD. I don’t know what the future has in store or how he he will be, what will happen when little man is born in a couple of weeks but for now I don’t care too much. I just plan to do what I need to do as a mom and hope the rest falls into place!
July 26th, 2009 @ 10:50 pm
I know exactly what you went through i going the same thing right now. I’m 6 months pregnant with our 1st child and my bf told me its over 2 months ago. Everytime i try to call him he wouldn’t answer but when he does he just tells me hurtful things. I feel like this will never end i cry everyday. Sleep is tormented and i lucky if i get 4 hrs of it. He never calls or come by and i don’t have any close family living in this state. I love him with all my heart y would he leave me like this. Btw he has a new girlfriend and he spends all his time with her. I would never wish this what im going through in anyone
August 5th, 2009 @ 2:26 pm
Hi, ladies. readina ll of your comments I can’t believe men like that exist. I am 5 months pregnant today, and I’ve already mentioned this to Bridgette (don’t know if you remember me) but I have the most insensitive spermdonor. He’s genuinly the devil, and my situation is very similar to your josiserain, it was casual and brief. I am over him now, to the extent where I dont pine after him. But I still think about him at all, but never in the context of him seeing my child or me spending time with him. But I do hate myself for bringing up a child without a father, cause I love mine very much and have always been surrounded by great fathers, like my brother is to his children, or my uncle is to his cousins. And how can i look at my child knowing that he wasn’t made out of love. I come from a different culture and I am not telling my dad, my mom has already disowned me, and I wish that my child would at least have one grandmother, but since the BD is denying its even his, im not sure what I am gonna do…
August 6th, 2009 @ 1:52 pm
Keep your heads up ladies. If only these men knew how much they hurt us by what they’re doing. If only they cared, if only they could experience what it’s like.
I used to not believe in karma but I hope it exists in these cases!