Sex
Posted on | September 15, 2009 | 2 Comments
I’ve made the vow to myself to give up Fuck Buddy relationships and to take sex and who I do it with more seriously. I’ve only had one true FB, but I’ve had enough relationships that involved sex and didn’t end up being serious to feel like I’ve been merely a cock socket more than I’ve been a serious love interest.
As of lately I just don’t feel positive coming away from this type of relationship and I feel like I’ve finally learned my lesson with Daddy.
Yeah he was my boyfriend, at least that’s the agreement that we made. But we had only been dating 2 weeks before we had sex for the first time and made my son. By the time we made it to 1 month we were over, and 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. No we weren’t fuck buddies, but what we had was not what I thought it would be going into everything and then what I got out of us certainly was NOT what I wanted (not really my son .. but the fact that I got impregnated by an abusive, drug addicted, deadbeat loser which lead to me being a single mother. I never wanted this).
Although I’m happy about the outcome, I can’t help but think how much heartache and misery could have been avoided if I didn’t give in to his pressure and said no. If I just felt him out much longer than the chase and found out what kinda person he was. It wasn’t until he got me for life (by getting me pregnant) that he let it all hang out. And I fuckin hate that. I feel like a fool, like not only did I fuck myself I fucked my son out of the great Dad he deserves.
I’ve had this pressure problem beyond Daddy. Being into guys, yet not ready to be sexual but giving in to the pressure anyway. I’m never happy when this happens, but I’ve been weak. I’ve lacked self-esteem.
I’ve written all of this just to say that I’ve been connecting with a guy, not to date or be with, but a new friend who just so happens to be gorgeous (like 30-something-Brad Pitt- didn’t-have-nothin-on-this-guy-gorgeous) and I’ve enjoyed having an innocent 6th grade crush on.
Anyway, we were chilling this morning and basically he said to me that he’s really into me and was wondering if I’d like to to take things to a more sexual level, that we could date but mostly be exclusive fuck friends since he’s too busy with his career to have a serious girlfriend.
Now this was tempting for me because like I said GORGEOUS!!! and he’s done some modeling .. I can see he’s definitely packing large and damn would I love to give him a try (especially since my postpartum libido has been off the charts). But I just couldn’t. It doesn’t feel right anymore. I held strong to my personal vows and said no .. it’s not what I’m looking for right now. I meant that, I held onto it and I felt great about it.
It may sound like nothing, and what any lady would do but I am so proud of myself. It’s just another thing that’s showing me that I really am changing. That I really am getting better. That I really do value myself more. That I really am becoming a strong woman and mother.
While sex is great, and I deserve lots of great sex, I also deserve a great man. I deserve to be loved truly and I deserve to be committed to. For more than just a toy.
I have faith I will get that some day. When I’m ready.
Tags: daddy (the ex) > inner strength > positive changes
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2 Responses to “Sex”
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September 17th, 2009 @ 6:26 am
[...] that I was careless and let my son fall TWICE in ONE day, that I’ve had a problem in the past controlling sexual relationships and getting what I wanted out of them, that after everything that has happened I miss my child’s father, that I now have a weight [...]
August 11th, 2011 @ 4:09 pm
Please don’t fall for this guy. He’s simply trying to get in your pants for some free, non-committal nookie. Anytime a guy gives you that line that he wants to get it on, but “focus on his career”, what he’s really saying is that he wants to hook-up with you until he eventually finds the woman that wants to settle down with and marry. He values you no more than a blow-up doll.