Putting My Truth and Honesty Out There
Posted on | September 17, 2009 | 9 Comments
I think by having an online blog causes bloggers to lack authenticity, no matter what they may say. To an extent most bloggers blog to attract readers, to keep them interested, to not offend, to hide from those they know in real life.
While once upon a time I enjoyed writing fiction, I cannot be fake here. I made this blog for a reason and it was to be therapeutic to all the feelings and mixed emotions I was going through after finding out that I was pregnant, and that I may be single and pregnant .. because my boyfriend just couldn’t make up his mind what he wanted to do with his life and if he wanted me and our baby in it. It was a heartbreaking situation to be thrown in, I did not see it coming, I did not want it and simultaneously I was driving my friends crazy by talking about the predicament incessantly.
What I have said here has been real .. I’ve admitted things .. that I was careless and let my son fall TWICE in ONE day, that I’ve had a problem in the past controlling sexual relationships and getting what I wanted out of them, that after everything that has happened I miss my child’s father, that I now have a weight problem, that money is hard yet I still spend foolishly, that I’ve had my heartbroken embarrassingly right after I finally decided to write that we made our relationship official. Oh, and I cuss a lot sometimes .. I don’t always bite my tongue, I don’t always tell a perfectly readable story.
I’ve let it all out. While I try to be positive, I try to avoid painting some fake or forced “single mom living happily ever after” fairytale to impress the public with. No, not everything is perfect, inspirational or alright .. but I do my best.
But still, though I want to, I find it hard to be completely 100% real. To be raw dog and say all of the bullshit that’s on my mind. Eloquently. Because I care. I care that I have a number of readers lurk my blog everyday, following along to my life story. I appreciate you guys and I don’t want to offend anyone. I cre that I’m putting myself in the open for the whole world wide web to read and that someday, just maybe, somehow it could bite my in the ass.
But having the thoughts weigh on my had for the longest time, just screaming to get out to someone, anyone who will listen is wearing me down. I desperately just getting out what I’m really thinking and feeling with no gloss or pretense. That therapeutic release that I needed when I first created this blog is what I need right now. So here it goes .. completely raw, completely uncensored, completely honest ..
I’m depressed, the extremity of my depression changes daily but I am depressed. I do all I can for my son, and I think I’m doing OK, but it’s still so fucking hard for me to look at him everyday and not think of his Dad. To face all of the emotions that I have for his dad deep inside of my heart that I never really express.
I’m sick of Daddy. I don’t even talk to him, but I’m sick of him and his fake perfection. I’m sick of how he tries to make me jealous, make me feel inferior. I just want to publish my open letter to him:
“So your dad bought you a pimped out new place, your dad bought you 2 new cars, you’re completely drug free now, you’re one of the best MJ impersonators in the world “LOOK AT ME I’M TRYING TO GET FAMOUS ON YOUTUBE!!!”, you have a new girlfriend and she’s so funny and nice, your dick has grown 3 inches since I was with you, your life is so much better now .. FUCK YOU!
Though I love you for what you have given me, I sincerely hate you. You have put me through hell this past year, you have turned my world upside down, you’ve broken down and shredded any and all self esteem I’ve ever had. But you want to be the one who is doing better and living the good life?
You fucking left me. ALONE to raise OUR child .. and how could you do that to me? You wanted this so fucking bad. Don’t you even remember? You wanted me to be pregnant for so fucking long, you begged and prayed for me to be and then when I was and scared out of my fucking mind you started flip flopping, changing your mind every second before just abandoning me all together 3 months into my pregnancy?
But you want to make ME feel bad? You want to make me feel like I’m nothing without you? Why?
I had your son. For 9 months I had you growing inside of me. I gave up the only life I knew for you. I’ve cried my eyes out and felt miserable DAILY for you. I gave up my body for you .. I’m fucking 70lbs overweight now because of you. I suffered through pregnancy and labor for you. I’m struggling as a single parent for you, I’m raising up the best gift anyone could ever give you (or me) .. and you wanna shit on me? You wanna live happy and free leaving me by myself with our child to fend and fight through life any way I can without your help?You may not think I do, but, Baby, I know you. I know 90% of your happiness is just smoke in the mirror. It’s just bullshit you pep talk yourself with to feel good about yourself. I know this but still I want to say this: Suffer please. I want you to know how I feel, how I’ve felt. I want you to know how wrong you are, how guilty you are. I want you to know how much you’ve hurt me, how bad you’ve treated me and how I’ve done nothing to deserve it. I’ve only done what you wanted me to do, I had your baby.”
Daddy is only one of many reasons for my depression and developing self destruction. He’s not the only reason, but he is one of the main reasons. I hate that about a week ago I felt so nice, so positive. Now I secretly and shamefully long to smoke weed daily and drink up my cabinet of alcohol to help cope and drown the way I feel just to make it through the days .. but the only reason I do not, and will not is my son. He needs me. He needs me in my right sober mind to put on a happy face and be a good mommy .. so instead I’ve turned to food. I try to numb my emotions by overeating or not eating at all. I haven’t even given enough of a fuck to work out in a week. If nothing else I feel like it’s the one thing I have control over, to deprive or overindulge my eating, my health.
But I realize that this is only making things worse because my body IS another one of the causes of my depression. So I’m honestly going to stop. Seriously. Today.
I’ve written enough. A Novel. My brain is tired now, I’m tired so I’m going to join my son in bed.
Tags: daddy (the ex) > depression > frustration
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9 Responses to “Putting My Truth and Honesty Out There”
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September 17th, 2009 @ 5:14 pm
You need to get yourself to a doctor, the depression thing, they can help with that. Have you thought about seeing a counsellor, someone that will let you yell and cry and get it all out, and then will help you get past it. I hope you’re ok, even though, your clearly not.
September 17th, 2009 @ 11:04 pm
My depression ended by the time Anna was 3 months, but so many moms truly do need help getting over it — so I second what Tam says: definitely go see a doctor, counselor, etc. (And if it makes you feel any better at all, I’ve met more than one happily married mom who struggled with postpartum depression).
I gained about 40 lbs when I was pregnant, and weight loss was one of my big issues, too. My dad would watch Anna for an hour or so while I ate lunch, so I would use that as an opportunity to get away from her (which led me to grabbing fast food for lunch every.single.day.) I was finally able to control myself a little more when I joined my best friend at losing weight; however, I’m STILL struggling with the weight loss. Anna turns 18 months old soon, and I’m sitting around at 5-10 lbs above my pre-pregnancy weight.
September 18th, 2009 @ 11:07 am
Hey hey =) I will third what the other ladies said. Please get yourself to a doctor. Either your OBGYN or your primary. They can either get you some meds to help you feel better or get you meds AND a shrink to talk to. I had a shrink for a while and it was AWESOME to have a total stranger listen to me pour out my heart. She didn’t know anyone I do, and there was no chance of her telling any one anything that I said (by law they can’t). It was great. Keep blogging too. And love, this is YOUR blog. Blog how you want. I’ll keep reading!
September 18th, 2009 @ 2:36 pm
Thank you for the support. I actually feel great that I got my feelings off my chest. I guess I just needed to get out everything on my mind that disgusts me right now.
So refreshing.
September 19th, 2009 @ 3:07 am
Lauren: I’m a happily married mum who suffered with post partum depression
You can get through it, it just takes time.
September 20th, 2009 @ 11:29 am
Lauren – that was my issue too when I first had my son. I wasn’t able to get around good so everyone would stop by with a bag of fast food. And theres no denying that when I was pregnant I DEF gave into my cravings. I feel so insecure and ashamed about it!
September 20th, 2009 @ 1:33 pm
[...] I want to address the depression and the issues I have with Daddy that I wrote about. My problem is that I’m crazy. Seriously, lol, I feel like I am. I flip [...]
October 23rd, 2009 @ 2:30 pm
Wow i couldn’t find ur blog at a more perfect timing. Im 2 months pregnant and my now “ex” bf just broke up not even 2 days ago. All for stupid ridiculous reasons. Ya I have support from my mom and my friends but Im hurt and torn apart that the one person I want to have support from can’t even be there. Just this whole situation alone made him realize he doesn’t want to be with me because he doesn’t want the baby. Although this one particular post is really deep and u honestly put out the way it really is as a single mother and your problems with your babys daddy… It does scare me and worries me of whats to come of the future and how am I going to get through this because already im so depressed and don’t know what to do… but this blog does help a a lot and makes me feel better to find other people who are going through the same thing as I or who have already been there and done that. It does make me feel that I can be strong and I can make it through this!
October 24th, 2009 @ 6:44 am
Amanda- thank you! I’m happy that you can comfort in my blog. It’s so tough to be in the position you’re in. I remember it .. but you can do it! Obviously I have my good days and my bad. I meant it when I said I was getting over my son’s dad, but they day I wrote this entry I couldn’t pretend these feelings didn’t exist because at the time they were so strong! It seemed contradictory of me to say “I’m over it” one post and then be like “I HATE HIM!” the next post but it’s all apart of the healing game.
You will have your good and bad days too and every day you will get stronger and it will be easier to deal with. Honestly I didn’t care about my ex at all at the end of my pregnancy until after I had my son and I started daydreaming up a perfect family in my head .. but again that passes.
Keep your head up! Take every step you can to get strengthen your heart and enjoy your pregnancy. You can do it and in the end you and your baby will be fine!