Romanticizing the Useless
Posted on | September 20, 2009 | 5 Comments
I have a few topics I want to write about .. I’m going to try to remember them all but I probably won’t. I may spread them out in multiple posts as they come to mind.
First I want to address the depression and the issues I have with Daddy that I wrote about. My problem is that I’m crazy. Seriously, lol, I feel like I am. I flip flop daily with how I feel and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m hormonal, or because I’m not capable of wallowing in my sadness for long. I’m much more of a “change things, regain control” type of person than someone who would rather constantly feel like “woe is me”. It’s probably a bit of both, no? Crazy mixed in there too.
My other problem is no matter how much of a piece of shit Daddy is, no matter how many times I feel satisfied without him, no matter how many times I feel I’m ok being a single mom raising our son on my own, I have a horrible habit of romanticizing him. I start imagining a man who is not him. A man who is happy, well adjusted and stable. A man who is capable of loving anyone other than himself. A man who deep down could be a loving father to both of his sons. A man who could be a great boyfriend if maybe I didn’t mess up somehow (as if how he acts towards me is my fault). So I become bitter. I become jealous. I become full of hate and anger.
But with his help I’ve pulled myself back to reality. He’s showed his ass once again and I realize he’s still as much of a loser as he ever was. And a piece of shit person at that. Yes I wish things were different, but they never will be. He will never ever change. Day by day I’m learning to accept that.
Tags: baby daddy drama > daddy (the ex) > getting over my ex
Comments
5 Responses to “Romanticizing the Useless”
Leave a Reply
September 20th, 2009 @ 9:52 pm
It’s the hormones. Oh, and that whole MAJOR life change thing. It’ll get easier.
September 25th, 2009 @ 2:03 pm
I think so too. My mind is all over the place. I feel different every day. I’m sure a little of it is mental but majority of it is def hormones.
December 11th, 2009 @ 8:43 pm
Hi i’m sorry i know you don’t know me and i’m not trying to invade your personal space by reading your blog but i am twenty, pregnant and the father of my child has suddenly turned out to be a complete waste of life and it just really seems like you’re someone i could relate to. i just am curious how you got through just the pregnancy in itself on your own without having a mental break down; like i feel like i’m about to have every day since the father of my child has left?
December 12th, 2009 @ 2:47 am
Hi Samantha. You’re not invading my space by reading my blog. This is why I made this blog and why it’s private for everyone to read
Well .. if you read all the way back to the beginning of my blog I started it when I first found out I was pregnant and I pretty much had a mental breakdown everyday up until the last couple of months of my pregnancy. Things were easier, but I wasn’t over it.
I have to say the most important thing is giving yourself time .. time to feel, time to adjust. Also give yourself time away from your childs father. No contact at all would be best. My son’s dad and I didn’t talk at all after the 3rd month of my pregnancy and I think that was the best thing for me because I didn’t have to keep going through the ringer with him and getting new heartaches.
I hope that helps you. Let me know how youre doing ok?
December 12th, 2009 @ 10:03 pm
Thanks so much for the in site. Hopefully one day I will stop talking to him or maybe he’ll actually change and be the father I’ve dreamed of for my child (the latter is quite doubtful!!) Thanks again for listening. I’ll keep in touch and let you know how things work out. Thanks again!