The Anniversaries, The Timeline
Posted on | September 30, 2009 | 8 Comments
I can’t believe the Anniversary of everything is coming up. Seriously? I’ve been thrown into this whirlwind for one year now? Time flies so fast.
The date I met Daddy: October 5
The day I got pregnant: October 19
The day I found out I was pregnant: November 3
The day I moved in with Daddy and discovered his real world: November 5
The day my life turned into hell (at the time) and I discovered I would be a single mom: November 7
I’m not sure why but these dates scare me. I’m reliving the memories, feeling the emotions I felt and suddenly I’m on the verge of tears. Is that weird that my memories still hurt me one year later? I’m not sure why. I guess because it was all so much to handle at the time, and it seems like it all happened yesterday. I was so hurt, so depressed, so conflicted. Every thing that happened on these dates changed my life forever.
* I remember meeting Daddy. I thought he was so good-looking and so sweet. I can’t believe that I actually swooned when he wrote and sang a song for me on his keyboard. He’s an awesome musician. Like a moth to a flame I was instantly drawn to him and could not tear myself away.
* Me and Daddy connected immediately and were inseparable. Within a week of knowing me he was telling me he loved me and that I was the girl of his dreams. Slowly he became obsessed with me and obsessive over me. He was crazy, but I was bored and liked the attention .. and the crazy kinda turned me on.
* Daddy came to live with me and things were good at first, though I knew something was up with him because he looked a hot mess and was strung out. He hid his addiction from me through a lie. He said he was looking so bad and “feeling weird” because of stress and his inability to sleep.
I should have known better because right before he came to see me he told me he was going to get some crack and asked me if I wanted any … “JUST KIDDING!” Yeah, right. I’m naive to hard drugs to I believed him.
* We were on my bed cuddling and watching a movie when Daddy pressured me into having sex with him and to do so with no condom .. and then to do so with no pulling out. He told me he was not concerned about me getting pregnant because he wanted me to be. He wanted me to have his baby. He had been pressuring me to having his baby for 3 days now. Though my heart was screaming “No! You will regret this!” I gave in. I felt so weak, and for some reason I just could not speak up for myself. It was like I was mute.
* Daddy and I sat around smoking weed, getting drunk and having lots of unprotected sex for days. I had become comfortable with him not pulling out of me at this point.
* We fought off and on and broke up off and on. I continued to drink and smoke to deal with the pain and frustration of dealing with this hot and cold crazy man. I was never much of a drinker as I prefer smoking, but at this point I was drinking LOTS.
* I took a morning after pill.
* Halloween is my favorite holiday. I drank hard alcohol, smoked like mad (yes Bridgette once LOVED her some green) and partied like a rock star on October 30, 31, Nov 1.
* Nov 3 I went to the bathroom and saw an old, nearly expired pregnancy test lying on the counter. I peed on it just for the hell of it. I wasn’t expecting to be pregnant because I had taken the morning after pill on time. The result: PREGNANT!
First reaction: “Oh. my. fucking. god.”
Second reaction: *remembering how much I had been drinking and smoking all along* “Oh my god, my baby is going to be retarded” (for lack of better word at the time)
To be continued …
Tags: daddy (the ex) > how i became pregnant > how i met daddy > life before my son
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8 Responses to “The Anniversaries, The Timeline”
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September 30th, 2009 @ 2:31 am
Your baby is beautiful. No hint of retar…well you know.. “that” word
Anniversaries freak me out a bit, they creep up when i’m not looking, and the suddenly i have to like, deal, when all i really want to do is forget, and maybe run, like very very fast in the oposite direction!
Hey and thanks for checking in on my blog too x
September 30th, 2009 @ 9:41 am
The last time I smoked, I came home from school (had just started that week), sat down with J and my bro (who was living with us at the time), smoked a ginormous blunt (like everyday… we even had a room in our apt dubbed “bluntington”), and locked myself in the bathroom to pee on an old, expired pregnancy test.
I went back in the other room after taking the test and just started laughing uncontrolably. But I didn’t say anything until J was coming to bed that night. Ha. Crazy times.
Obviously, I was pregnant. (Hence the Aubster.)
And, hey, Nov 3 is my bday. It’s a totally good day!
September 30th, 2009 @ 1:22 pm
Great read, very interesting. However, what really got my attention is the ole pull out method; I thought everyone knew that won’t stop a woman from getting pregnant. I’m glad you took back control over your life.
Best wishes always,
Freddie
September 30th, 2009 @ 1:30 pm
Tam – Thank you for the compliments on my son. I was very relieved that my pregnancy went awesome for the most part and that my son was and is 100% healthy despite my lifestyle before I was aware of him THANK GOD!
Bad memory anniversaries are so hard to deal with .. and I’ve never really had to before now. I never really had anything all that memorable or bad happen to me. I mean there were unpleasant things that had happened and I remembered the general time frame that they happened in .. but I was pretty much over whatever the memory was so going through the anniversary never hurt me much. Now I know exactly what you mean!
Oh and no problem reading your blog. I’m sorry I never stopped by more often. I always had you bookmarked but forgot to add you to my feed and my feed is what I mostly check. I’ll start reading up on you more often!
September 30th, 2009 @ 1:33 pm
Hef – That’s so funny! Why were you laughing? Was it because you were happy? Was it because you couldn’t believe it? Or was the weed just that good? LOL
Oh and what made you take the test? Was it just for the hell of it like I did?
September 30th, 2009 @ 1:39 pm
Freddie – Thanks for stopping by. Yeah the good ol pull out method. It’d definitely risky .. but it worked until we didn’t. I knew it was possible to get pregnant from pulling, but I also knew the chances were low. Much like my chances at getting pregnant while on BC were low.
But look what happened!
With that kinda chance luck I need to play that damn lottery!
September 30th, 2009 @ 10:23 pm
It’s so crazy how, among all the memories over the past several years, the events leading up to pregnancy stand out the most.
This summer (end of June) was my 2 year anniversary of getting pregnant, and that entire summer stands out so clearly in my mind.
It’s so crazy to look back and see how much has changed. Even looking back just 1 year, I can see such a change — 1 year ago around this time, I was going through my first semester back at school as a single mom. Now I’m about to graduate. Anna was 6 months old then, and she’s 18 months old now…
And now, as a mom, you’ll be looking back to the past ALL THE TIME, wondering how life can move and change so quickly!
.-= Check Out Lauren’s Blog! blog "Bringing Domesticity Back" =-.
October 1st, 2009 @ 12:55 am
Lauren – I think it’s because pregnancy is so personal, emotional and life changing and that’s why everything that surrounds it and leading up to our children will probably be embedded in our minds until the end of time.