Evil.
Posted on | October 8, 2009 | 6 Comments
I never posted this here but about a week ago I got a letter from the state saying that my son’s Newborn Screening Test came back that he most likely is carrying Sickle Cell Trait and they asked that me and his father come in and be tested asap as the are certain one of us has either sickle cell or the trait or we both do.
I had been conflicted with whether or not to tell Daddy because I REALLY did NOT want to talk to him at all, but it was one of those things that I kinda felt I HAD to do since it involved his health and the health of my son. I kinda felt like he had the right to know.
I decided to get it over with today and here is how the convo went:
“Me: i got a letter in the mail saying our son kobe has a health concern and both of his parents need their blood tested as well for precaution. contact your local health department soon and ask them about it.
Him: wtf
Him: umm ok”
That’s all that was said from either of us. I kinda expected this which is why I was so vague in my message.. I figured if he really cared either way he’d ask for more information. Ok, I expected it so why am I so upset? I feel angry and like I want to cry. I guess it’s the confirmation that damn he really DOESN’T give a fuck about our son, MY baby, and more than that he doesn’t give a fuck if he dies .. for all he knows he could be dying.
I just DON”T get it! How could he reject such a beautiful, smart and healthy boy like this? A boy who has never done anything wrong in this world. A boy who would love him unconditionally. HOW? WHY?
I hate being reminded how much of an asshole he is because I feel it reflects on me and my bad judgment. I feel I’m to blame that my son doesn’t have a father and the one he does have is not one he deserves. I hate myself for doing this to him because I always promised myself my kids would not be in this situation and I failed.
I don’t know what to do. All I can do is hug my baby tight and try to fight back the tears.
I will NEVER contact him again. Not even for medical issues which was the only reason I contacted him initially but no more! I’m so done. FUCK him. I hope he gets treated just as evil as he treats other people, HIS SON. I hope his life is so fucking miserable and he pays for this big time. I really do.
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6 Responses to “Evil.”
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October 8th, 2009 @ 10:41 am
My grandmother was a single parent. My mother was a single parent. I’m a single parent.
I don’t think you need to feel guilty that HE is a jackass. The only person you can control is yourself and you certainly can’t change the past. There’s no point in even focusing on it when there’s nothing we can do. We can just do our best to learn from our experiences and stay in the present. You have a great son. In my case I have a great daughter. Her father may not be in her life but I have NO regrets when it comes to the decisions that created her life.
(Personally I like to think of her biological father as a sperm donor because in the end she is MY baby. ^_^)
October 9th, 2009 @ 8:12 pm
I agree with Satsuki! Look at him as a sperm donor – and so you got a bit of fun out of the donation!
What does the sickle cell trait mean for your son? Does that mean he will develop the disease?
.-= Check Out Tam’s Blog! blog "Complete 360′s" =-.
October 14th, 2009 @ 2:14 am
I don’t think it will develop into a disease, but if my son were to reproduce with someone with the trait it’s a great chance their baby would have the disease.
October 14th, 2009 @ 2:55 pm
I understand those “guilt” feelings – I feel that I didn’t provide my son with a good father either. But without their father’s genes, they wouldn’t be who they are. It’s a tricky one.
I’d love to have a new relationship but I’m scared of choosing another “loser” and it impacting badly on my son.
Are we too tough on ourselves…?
Love your blog – Caroline
October 14th, 2009 @ 4:48 pm
In answer to Caroline – Absolutley Yes you are to tough on yourselves! Relax, enjoy your children and do the best you can for them. It would be nice if every child had a model father, but the reality is, so many children are better of without them. Your both great mums, try not to feel guilty, your sons would want you to be happy.
.-= Check Out Tam’s Blog! blog "I even shocked my husband" =-.
November 14th, 2009 @ 9:12 pm
I am currently 25 1/2 weeks along my childs father is an asshole. We haven’t spoken in months. I tested positive for the hemoglobin C trait and the genetic counselors tried to pressure me to contact the father and get him tested. They were very insensitive when I mentioned that the father would not be involved…so I blatantly told one nurse that if he curses her the F***k out then it woiuld be on her. Bottom the test would be inconclusive and nothing would make me terminate the pregnancy. I felt so upset ..but I knew that I would feel worse if I reached out to him and felt the rejection …therefore I chose not to do anything. Can’t they just prick the baby’s heel to test whether or not he has the trait or disease? All in all….. i feel really bad that you are having a difficult time right now…but take it all in stride and lean on your supportive family and friends as well get on some medication and therapy…..it will work wonders BELIEVE ME. You don’t have to suffer with the depression…and stop calling yourself a failure…you are strong and doing the best you can. I would also turn to God for guidance….it has really helped me. You will find someone else that will love and cherish you and your bundle of joy…..Keep your head up!!