Tough
Posted on | October 29, 2009 | 7 Comments
Life’s been a little tough and hectic lately. I’m honestly overworked and overtired .. both from being a mom and from working period. I hate being thrown into a financial bind. I’m doing everything I can to keep the roof over my sons head and then with Christmas coming too? Fuck.
Sleep? What’s that?
Stress? I’ve got plenty. I woke up yesterday feeling like I had gotten hit by a bus. I was shaking and I could not even get out of bed to get my baby a bottle. I had absolutely no strength. I had to call my mom to come get him while I nourished myself with food and sleep. No thinking of work. I feel a million times better now.
Sad though cause Halloween is my absolute favorite holiday. I was so excited for it this year but now I don’t even feel like doing anything.
My son is all over the place. He’s rolling, crawling, trying to stand. And being adorable. I know I promised I wouldn’t pimp him out, but I couldn’t help it .. I enrolled him in the BabyGap Model contest. Wish him luck! I don’t care much if he even wins the grand prize, but winning the semi finals would be such an honor.
I desperately want to move. We’ve SO outgrown this apartment. I can’t even keep it clean because there’s no where to put things.
Why is it that lately I’ve been so terribly bitter at his father? I don’t know why really since we haven’t talked since I mentioned the baby’s SCT .. if you call that talking. I think of him and my stomach turns. I want to spit in his face. I’m tired of being bitter over him. I’m tired of him ruining my life of happiness. I’m doing all I can to move on, but damn that’s hard.
This entry is all over place, sorry. I have to go now, just wanted to update 
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7 Responses to “Tough”
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October 30th, 2009 @ 4:02 pm
thanks for the update!! i come here everyday to see if you’re ok! don’t know if you remember me…but written before. i managed to contact my childs other nan…from his so called daddy’s side. she was 100% suportive. wanted to get involved and meet up and stuff until daddy got involved and ruined it all.. so once again me and my baby are alone. good thing is im pretty over the daddy although i can sense the bitterness taking over, which i sont necessarily prefer. shame about the financial situation. i live in the uk…and as far as i know the financial support for single parents is amasing hope to hear more from you soon!! rake care
November 2nd, 2009 @ 12:46 am
I so feel for you. I think it’s quite understandable that you’re feeling bitter. I’ve been struggling with those feelings for over six years. It’s very hard not to feel bitter when you are unsupported and doing the job of two people. Two parents struggle with caring for a baby – we single parents are often attempting the impossible.
Try try try to do nice things for yourself whenever you can. I really think that helps with those negative feelings. A small treat or excursion to a place you love can make a lot of difference.
And pimp that gorgeous baby out!! Why not? I did it with my son and he made a mag cover and went on a tv show!! It was fun for me and got me out of the house – the money barely covered the travel to get to the job though!!
I often visit your blog to see how you’re doing. Good luck girl and remember you’ve got a supporter here in Australia!!
November 3rd, 2009 @ 4:06 pm
Hi. I just came across your blog. You are very honest and raw about how you are feeling and that’s good. I hope you are able to get the rest and help you need. Focus on taking care of yourself and your baby. He wil need every ounce of love you can give him.
As for your ex, I hope you can make the decision someday to forgive him and let him go. Seems like that’s letting him off the hook, but it’s not. It’s letting yourself off the hook and giving you permission to be happy and healthy.
The bitterness you are feeling means that you are not in control of your life. He is and you are giving him that control. It takes time to process it all, but once you make the decision to be happy and at peace it will be easier to let the past go.
All the best to you and your sweet baby!
.-= Check Out Samantha’s Blog! blog "How Rich Single Momma Makes Money Online" =-.
November 8th, 2009 @ 8:48 am
Regarding the bittnerness, you are sooo not alone in feeling that way. I feel so bitter towards my child’s father that its a shame. I mean, every time I think of him my whole body clinches up and I want to throw something. For real, lol. And when I see him – I truly would love to spit on him or punch him in the face with a brick ( I won’t do it of course). My bitterness towards him mainly comes from the way he treated me while I was preg. I have such a dislike for him because of it. I really need to get over it soon because it truly is hindering me from being happy. I know he could care less how I feel about him as he is all wrapped up in his new gf. I am working on getting past it because he doesn’t deserve any of my energy!!
November 8th, 2009 @ 9:48 pm
I just came across your blog. I appreciate the raw and transparent way you write. Some of the things you write remind me of the things my mother went through as a single mom.
As someone who works with the poor and marginalized, I’d be interested to hear about the role (if any) God plays in your life. I don’t want come off as “preachy,” however I’ve found many single mothers (including my own mom) who find strength from their faith and their Church community.
I will keep you in my prayers.
Peace.
.-= Check Out Br. Vito ‘s Blog! blog "Choosing Poverty: Poor Boy Living Poor" =-.
November 9th, 2009 @ 3:07 am
Hello everyone. It’s nice to see so many newcomers commenting on my blog
I get bitter at times because I wish I had help. I’m doing the best I can and I’m wearing myself out. My mom helps me but she’s old and wears out easily. It would only be fair if his dad did his share, but he’s not. Sometimes I wanna shake him because he isn’t!
But, that’s not going to happen so I just keep going the best I can
March 9th, 2010 @ 12:04 am
I totaly understand the bitternes toward your childs father. I truly hate my ex-husband we have three kids together. Durning I our eight year marriage i went through pure hell. Now that we are divorce my kids go to his house on the weekends but as for as financal help I get none and my kids think that they dad is the best dad ever, They don’t know the truth that he really ain’t shit. I’m struggle really hard right now financialy just lost my job and umemployment just aint enough. He feels that because he give them time and when he have them he do things with them on the weekend that I should give him credit. My kids don’t understand that all my money goes on bills, food and clothes for them so I don’t have the extra money to do fun things right now. You see he has a new girlfriend who supports him and my kids thinks she is so great. I filed child support but he not working just living off of a woman, i hate to say but he is better off dead because my kids the will get social security from his trifling ass. Trifling he is.