20 Years
Posted on | January 14, 2010 | 14 Comments
So it happened and I guess this is the end of our saga. I found out earlier this week that Daddy plead guilty to 5 charges of rape (and the person he raped is worse than I originally though .. and much, much younger.) + 1 charge of drug possession. He will spend 20 years of his life in prison.
Just like that. He’s gone from our lives. Even if he gets our early he will be 50 years old and my son will be a grown man.
I’m not sure how I feel about all of this. I guess my brain is still processing it all. On one hand I am happy and relieved he’s getting the karma he deserves. On the other I’m so sad, disappointed. scared. I fear how my baby will handle all of this when he’s old enough to understand. How will it make him feel to know the truth? Will he be able to successfully distinguish himself from his father? Will he carry guilt? Will he carry shame?
It all makes me very nervous. I’m just not sure what to do but thankfully I have years to sort that out.
Also, Daddy is a rel piece of work. He just had to do all of this after I put so much work into everything. Especially child support. The same month we were about to make progress he sends himself to prison. He’s just determined not to let me win, huh? (My little joke of the whole thing)
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14 Responses to “20 Years”
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January 14th, 2010 @ 11:00 am
I hope you surround yourself with lots of support right now — and find good men for your son as he grows up. I’m not sure if your own father is close. Or, brothers? Uncles?
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January 14th, 2010 @ 3:18 pm
I don’t have too many male role models for my boy which makes it much harder. My dad passed away when I was 13 and I’m on only child. I do have uncles but they’re all 60+ years old right now.
Hopefully that too will work out in the future. I do still hope to be married some day! I hope I get my good man. For both of us.
January 14th, 2010 @ 6:10 pm
Wow, that is horrible- not that he’s in prison but that it has to affect you and your son like this. I don’t have any male role models in my life for Am right now either. I wouldn’t worry about it too much. You always hear about kids and role models but I think that’s more an issue as they get older. When the time comes there are programs out there: boy scouts, big brothers, 4H, youth groups, etc. Just let him know YOU love him and are there for him. That’s the most important thing you can do to help with any doubts he might ever have.
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January 15th, 2010 @ 5:52 pm
This might sound horrible and may be wrong in some people’s eyes, but having been the victim of rape in my lifetime, I would strongly suggest you just tell your son his father is dead…or that you never really knew him, or something. I would not want my children to grow up knowing their dad was a rapist, under any circumstances. Just my opinion.
Good thing your boy has a momma that loves him so!
January 16th, 2010 @ 2:49 am
Just be the best mother you can be. Whenever our kids are involved it gets so confusing- on one hand you want him around for the sake of your child, but on the other glad he is not because what kind of influence would he be? It’s hard. Just stay strong. He will be asking way before you are ready for him to, mine started at about 3-4 yo. Just be prepared when he does. Stay strong.Your son will respect you for the mother you are.
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January 16th, 2010 @ 3:13 pm
I just wanted to pop back on again after reading Shannon’s post. (And I’m sorry to hear about that too.)
In this case I don’t think saying his father is dead would be a good idea. Someday his father might contact him or maybe someone who knows/knew his father. Talk about a shock for him and really, this about him not us. Kids don’t need to know the whole truth for years. That’s why we use age-appropriate answers. You don’t need to tell a child all of the details involving sex when they ask where babies come from. In the same way you can give a simple answer until you feel he’s old enough to have a real discussion about the situation. I would suggest steering clear of lies (they tend to run away from us) and just giving answers that he’s able and ready to understand.
January 17th, 2010 @ 1:00 am
Sorry it took me a moment to answer I will in order.
Satsuki – Thanks for mentioning those boys programs. I had thought about it some times (big brothers) but it completely left my brain. I will def keep those programs in mind! If all else fails maybe he will be able to make a positive male connection there.
January 17th, 2010 @ 1:02 am
Shannon – I’m sorry to hear what happened to you
I don’t think I can lie to my son. He will find out the truth anyway, especially if he were to have any type of relationship with his older brother. Plus, if his dad makes it out suppose he will be interested in being face to face with him. I mean he’s obviously not good for my boy to know while he’s a child, but I would understand his curiosity, if any, once he’s older.
January 17th, 2010 @ 1:04 am
Adrienne – Thanks a lot. I’m trying. I can tell my son really loves me and has a connection to me and that makes everything so much easier to deal with. I am disappointed I didn’t get my dream two parent happy family household, but at least I know I’m doing a great job and am appreciated so far with the cards I’ve been dealt
January 17th, 2010 @ 1:05 am
Satsuki – I completely agree with all that you said. I’m feeling the exact same way right now.
January 19th, 2010 @ 5:58 pm
WOW! I am sorry to hear what has happened here. Al though, sometimes I wish my ex would get his karma and end up in jail, but these are my personal feelings and not what I would want for my son.
I am sure you will raise a fine child without your ex and give your L.O all the love in the world.
January 21st, 2010 @ 9:09 pm
Wow. This definitely may be for the best. And I really agree with the honest/age-appropriate answers in the years to come. Keep on doing your best and that will be more than enough. (HUGS)
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June 5th, 2010 @ 12:32 pm
Hi Bridgette,
Reading through your entire blog and thought I’d comment on this. I also have concerns about how to explain my daughter’s father to her when she gets older.
Honestly, I wish my daughter’s father was in jail. That’d be easier to explain. “Honey, your dad was a sick man. If he was well, I know he’d love you. But that’s why he wasn’t in your life.”
Or something like that.
My daughter’s father abandoned us when I first told him I was pregnant. He is a successful director of a well known non-profit organization, and went on to marry the woman he was secretly dating while dating me. He has another daughter from his first marriage – a beautiful six year old, whom he adores and sees regularly, pays child support for, etc.
Meanwhile, he has zero love, interest, affection for my daughter. To invest in my daughter would mean to admit he lied to the current wife. And he just won’t tarnish his picture perfect life. You and I know that he’s a jerk and not even worthy of my daughter.
But how do you explain this to a child? Daddy’s not well? Then how can he offer up Father of the Year to his other daughter? How do you explain to a child that part of who she is doesn’t love himself, much less her?
You be the love and light your son needs. Love him and show him what it means to be a good parent. As for Daddy? I don’t know if you go to church, but somehow, find a good role model for your son and surround him with people who love him (and you!)
By the time he’s old enough to realize to ask questions about his biological father, it’ll barely register on his radar as a glitch. With all the love you are surrounding him with, he’l never miss a thing.
Hugs!
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June 25th, 2010 @ 12:06 am
You know, it’s a tuff topic, my sons dad got out of prison and moved four states away without trying to see my baby. i believe if they really wanted to, they would be here for their kids, w/ or w/out a relationship with us (the mothers of their kids) because it should be their relationships w/ their kids that keep them from being off the right path. i think with a really awesome mother they can be the greatest wit or without their “dads”. as long as we are they keeping them straight, being very aware of right and wrong and supporting them to their fullest they will all be awesomr kids. its just really up to us (their moms)!