Posted on | July 18, 2012 | 12 Comments
God it’s been too long since I’ve posted here. I’m a freaking jerk. Forgive me.
I keep so busy with work, school, trying to maintain my sanity that I just rarely find the time or inspiration to sit down and write out my thoughts. I do read your comments and emails even if I don’t have the time to respond to them all. I will try to be better though.
I’m so tired, yall. Being a single mom is taking every thing out of me. I feel like no matter what I put into it it’s never enough.
First of all I have to work full time and I’m going to college full time which takes up big portions of my day. On top of it there is the domestic side of parenting. My home is never clean for more than a day or two and it really brings me down. I try to keep it in order, but sooner or later I stop being able to keep up with my son and his messes. I become exhausted and give up. I have other things to do, and I give up. That leads to not being able to see the floor of any room in the house within as little as hours. Food gets snuck into various parts of the apartment and left there until I find it. Because of that along with the summer weather I now have a serious roach problem on my hands which makes me even more depressed. They crawl every where on every thing, even me! I can’t cook in my own kitchen because they crawl over EVERY THING there too! The dishes, drawers, counters, cabinets. Nothing is safe. I hate having to eat out for every meal, or a frozen dinner, or just nothing at all. That’s the only upside to the roaches. I’ve lost so much weight because I’d rather be hungry than eat at home. My poor son lives off corn dogs, frozen sandwiches and meals, or fast food. I mean I try to always pick sandwiches over burgers and fries most of the time, but it’s still not as good as a home cooked meal which a growing boy really needs. I get that and I feel like a fail mom cuz of it.
My son is not much help, obviously since he is primarily the cause. Now that he’s 3 years old I’m working on holding him more accountable. Every now and then if there’s a mess, like food on the floor I will make him pick it up and put it in the trash. I’m trying to get him used to always leaving food in the trash and he’s starting to get the hang of it but we have a loooooooooooooooong ways to go.
Then there are other domestic things I can hardly keep up with such as laundry (have to go to a mat) and shopping. Always behind on those.
The other thing I hate and battle with is his sleeping schedule. He’s impossible to get to bed early. Even if I put him in bed at 10, he won’t go to actual sleep until midnight or later. Then when it’s time to wake up in the morning it’s almost impossible. I struggle and struggle and he just will not wake up which leads to him sometimes missing day care because I just can’t no matter what I do .. sit him up, tap his face, wash his face, set an alarm. I learned a trick yesterday that he is sooo into animal crackers right now that if I can just get him awake enough and I say to him “Wake up Jack so you can have some cookies!” he will jump right outta bed. But what happens when he doesn’t care about cookies anymore?
Money is tight because although I try to work full time, that doesn’t always happen. Things seem to always come up. such as my car going to complete shit. The mechanics told me to just come pick it up and sell it to the salvage yard. So that’s what I had to do. I made $200 for that, but now I have to figure out a way to make car payments so I can have transportation. My mom works down the street from the day care so she takes my son for me, but other than that I don’t really get to leave the house more than a couple times a week on her schedule. Whenever she can take me to the store or something. It freaking sucks.
Yeah, I’m still around. Yeah, I’m still making it. But damn is shit ever hard right now. I really need help and wish more than ever I had a partner to share some responsibility with, but I know that’s not an option right now so I just keep going …