Who I Was, Who I Am …
Posted on | November 12, 2008 | No Comments
I’m thinking about the road my life was headed before I knew I was pregnant.
I was a 23 year old single girl living in a small studio apartment in Oklahoma. I was self employed and took great pride in my work .. it was a dream come true to be in the position that I was in and something I always wanted.
Kind of quiet, laid-back and somewhat shy .. but a good quote that applied to me was “Those who don’t know me think I’m shy. Those who do know me wish I were!” I have a handful of good friends that I can talk about anything to, and they know I’m crazy as hell! I’m playful, goofy, and love to make others laugh.
Sometimes I thought about going back to school .. but for what purpose? Not really to get a degree but because I like to learn. I currently have no college degree, but run my business on instinct and brains. So far so good.
My best friend, Steve lives in California. I’ve been telling him from the beginning of time that I’m gonna come see him someday and he can show me around the madness that is Sacramento. Steve always has the best stories to tell about that city and I’m so sure when I do see him I’m gonna have so much fun. This would be my first stop on my traveling venture.
I also want to see NYC!!! Oh so badly. Australia, England, France, Germany, Italy, Japan … I planned to go there.
I liked to date boys and have my fun, but I was fine with being a young single woman. I’ve only experienced love once in my life. It was my ex Brian that I was with for 4 years when I was a teenager. We don’t get along now, but he used to mean the world to me. Since that relationship I hadn’t found a guy worth being another serious boyfriend.
I met my baby’s dad early October or late September of this year. He found me online and thought I was beautiful. We instantly become “connected” and inseparable spending countless hours on the phone, chatting online and all of that. I even ran up a $140 phone bill talking to his ass and I didn’t even care. We really hit it off. Before long he was telling me loved me and I thought “Too soon”, but I did like him in return.
He bought a Greyhound ticket to come see me. I thought he was pretty cute but much better in his pics. In real life he looked very tired, disoriented, thin and had large circles around his eyes. I ignored this cause he told me he had a lot of stress in his life.
We hung out together and had a good time at first. Soon we ended up doing what I thought was “love making”. We had a bond, a connection that I never felt with anyone else during sex. There was passion, it felt great and afterwards we cuddled and went round after round. Matter of fact we went 7 the night we made our baby.
But a day or so later he became moody and we started fighting. I took notice of his bad temper, and he admitted some things to me he never had before. I was turned off and knew despite our connection a relationship between us could not work out. So we broke up. I was disappointed at first – like anyone who goes through a breakup – but I was fine after a little while. I took a morning after pill and thought I’d never have to hear from him again.
But then I learned I was pregnant. Uh oh. I hadn’t talked to him in 3.5 weeks and was not sure how he would take it or if he would even accept a call from me. He did and he was so happy to learn he was gonna be a daddy (he already has a son but I do not know the full story of that because he lies. I know he is not a legal parent over him and signed over his rights … so he says anyway. I’ve never seen the boy and he rarely talks about him, but does claim him.)
This time I went to go visit him. First night was great. He took me ontop of a hill next to a lake and we talked about our baby. He told me “I can’t wait. I hope its a boy. I want a little boy with you soo bad. I don’t really want a girl first but if it is a girl were gonna keep trying until we have a boy! It’s gonna be good. We’re a family now, if you wanna move in with me now you can and I’m gonna work fulltime so I can be there for you and my son ….” blah blah blah on and on a bunch of other lies.
The second day came and things were OK, but these strange people started coming in and out of the apartment. They would not leave and I didn’t want them there. My kid’s dad nervously came out and told me that they were doing meth. I bit my tongue and held in my feelings. I kissed him and said “Ok just don’t do this anymore ok?” He said he wouldnt. He still kissed and caressed me lots and treated me like the mother of his child. Someone he was so proud of.
Day 3 he was running around crazy and paranoid. He had became angry and didn’t even wanna touch me anymore. He looked at me evil and snapped at me. When I woke up that morning he told me he didn’t know if he wanted our baby anymore because he felt he would be a shitty daddy. He told me he didn’t want me anymore because he felt we had no connection, but that I deserved much better than him anyway. He was paranoid of me looking on his computer. Obviously he was cheating. But I guess it’s not cheating if we never really had a chance to have a great, stable relationship in the first place.
He helped me put my things in my car, kissed me goodbye and told me to get an abortion then come back Wednesday (today). He also told me to call him and if I didn’t he wouldn’t call me. (Yeah he was pretty adamant about not only breaking my heart but ripping it out, stomping on it, and completely degrading me that day) Oh yes he also stole $20 from me for drugs. But fuck that $20. I can make many more.
What do you know. It’s Wednesday, the day he wanted me to come back up, and I’ve called him and wrote him a message on Myspace. But he has not wrote me or called me back. If he ever will? I don’t know. I knew he was gonna do this. I asked him about it. And he said “Baby of course I have to talk to you. You have my kid! I’m inside of you now and I can’t ignore that” But he said this the last time.
What’s the point in my telling this story? I dunno. I’m mostly babbling but I guess to see exactly the path my life was going pre-baby. Did I really have something a kid would mess up, or was I on a track that having a kid could force me to turn and head a more positive direction.
Well, my life up until lately has been pretty dull, vanilla and sometimes lonely. But I’ve never had much to complain about .. until I met my kids dad that is LOL.
I don’t see how my kid could really fuck up anything for me .. except it’s gonna be hard to work with an infant in the background. That’s one of the biggest concerns I have.
The other concern is I just wanna forget about my childs daddy. I don’t want to let him in my life ever again. I have done it twice now and he’s fucked up both times and has even hurt me. I don’t wanna see or deal with him ever again. I don’t wanna give him the opportunity to hurt me again. Honestly I learned my lesson the first time we broke up, but when theres a baby in the equation sometimes you become irrational.
But I know that’s not my innocent little baby’s fault. He didn’t choose him as a Daddy and didn’t choose me as a Mommy. We both kinda just choose him through a mistake. But does he even have to really be a mistake? Could he be something that would make my life so worthwhile in just a few months?
Gosh, my baby … sometimes it hurts me to even think about terminating because I feel like my baby knows. And I don’t want my baby to think I don’t want it, or that I can’t love it. Noo baby it’s not true at all. I just don’t want your daddy because I want the best for you 
I barely know you and already feel like I love you .. but I’m just having such a hard time right now that not too many people understand.
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