Making Progress.
Posted on | November 12, 2008 | 2 Comments
I managed to finally crawl out of bed today and take a shower (I know, ew, right? LOL!) and generally give half a damn about my appearance, hygiene and health. I feel like eating today. I haven’t eaten much since I first found out I am pregnant and have lost 10 lbs so far. But the problem is what to eat? I still don’t feel like cooking. BK sounds kinda good. Mmmm.
I got this cocoa butter lotion to start helping with the stretch marks early on incase I do get bigger. It STANKS! Yuck!
Soo .. of course I’m gonna talk about him this entry. But I’ll try to make it short and not too negative. I’m trying not to dwell.
Mentally, so far so good for me. It’s Day 5 .. Daddy still has not called. When will I ever stop counting the days and replaying the past in my head?
Yeah, I’m still bummed, but I am able not to obsess too much about his absence because my 5-year old Myspace account is officially deleted and so is my old screen name. So there’s no way I could sign on to and check either of those obsessively, wondering when he is ever gonna write or message me.
That helped a lot more than I thought it would. He doesn’t know I’m “avoiding” him, I’m just playing the game he loves. I feel like if I know him just a teensy bit he’s gonna wonder why I’m not bugging him any more in about a month or so. Sigh. Maybe longer? It’s a shame if it’ll take that long .. but I’m hoping, praying my heart has meanded over the next week or so so that I can concentrate not on him, but on myself, my child and our well being.
I’m really trying my best to understand where he is coming from and how he may feel right now. I know he has a lot of stress going on in his life which is why he turns to drugs. He’s obviously very fucked up and has been for quite awhile. But he’s 26 years old and should learn how to take his problems head on and not run away like a little coward. But he admitted to me to my face (while high of course) that he’s a coward and doesn’t know how to be a real man which is why he told me the baby and I would be better off without him.
At the same time he’d occasionally second guess that I’m even pregnant and accuse me of just trying to get back with him. He will never accept the fact that I’m not a drama queen kinda girl and that I have my head on straight. But he doesn’t really surround himself with people like me .. so I guess it’s hard to recognize and accept when all you know is trash. It’s funny he thinks I’m the one missing out when in reality he is.
Which makes me wonder .. why do I even care if he cares? I guess I just want him to care just a little bit about his little baby. *shrug*
My friend Dan is amazing. He treats me like I’m something special and that he really cares for me. I feel like not such a monster or lepor when I’m around him. And it’s funny, just whenever I feel like I need a smile or giggle like magic he texts me and says just what I need to hear. When I first told him about my baby, he didn’t judge me not one bit. Instead he offered himself incase I ever need anything or someone to talk to and asked me if I was feeling ok. I love you Dan. You give me so much hope that there are good men still out there. And if my little one turns out to be a boy, I hope I can raise him to be a gentleman like you. 
CHOW TIME!!!!
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2 Responses to “Making Progress.”
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November 12th, 2008 @ 5:58 pm
Wow. Your blog really takes me back to three-ish years ago when I discovered that I was with child. It was a crazy time. The emotions and uncertainty and fear of it all. I wish I’d blogged back then because, as hard as it was, I don’t ever want to forget that time.
Girl, it was hard. But I made it through all of the BS and my life is absolutely amazing now. My daughter is amazing. Almost everything has fallen into place (with the exception of our relationship with her father). You’re going to make it through. And based on what I’ve read thus far, I think you’ll do an absolutely amazing job. Honestly.
If you child’s father doesn’t drop out of the picture completely, you can expect his attitude and stance on the situation to change drastically throughout your pregnancy and beyond. It’s so hard to know what the best thing to do is. I wish I had the answers for you.
I can promise you that everything will be so much easier to deal with when you have that baby in your arms.
I look forward to watching this all unfold for you.
November 12th, 2008 @ 11:15 pm
Thanks so much for the comment and the support, Heather. Everyone tells me life will be so much better, but tough in ways I can’t imagine when my little one is here. I’m hoping everyone is right.
I’m hoping to get over the father. I’ll give him all the time and space he needs but I’m just crossing my fingers that he doesn’t give up on us, especially his child.