Just like that. He’s gone from our lives. Even if he gets our early he will be 50 years old and my son will be a grown man.

I’m not sure how I feel about all of this. I guess my brain is still processing it all. On one hand I am happy and relieved he’s getting the karma he deserves. On the other I’m so sad, disappointed. scared. I fear how my baby will handle all of this when he’s old enough to understand. How will it make him feel to know the truth? Will he be able to successfully distinguish himself from his father? Will he carry guilt? Will he carry shame?

It all makes me very nervous. I’m just not sure what to do but thankfully I have years to sort that out.

Also, Daddy is a rel piece of work. He just had to do all of this after I put so much work into everything. Especially child support. The same month we were about to make progress he sends himself to prison. He’s just determined not to let me win, huh? (My little joke of the whole thing)

I’m so proud of Jack. He can can sit up all his own now, but he can’t actually sit up for too long. He’s rolling, he’s trying to crawl although it frustrates him. He’d much rather attempt to walk.
I’m worried about him. We definitely need a bigger apartment so I can get him a crib. I think he’s rolled out of the bed a total of 4 or 5 times with me. My mom called me up all nervous to say he rolled out with her. I mean no one lets him do it on purpose but he’s just so busy and impossible to sleep with anymore. If he hits the wall he will turn himself around and keep rolling until he goes off the foot of the bed. Uggh .. I don’t want him to get hurt! I’m not sure what to do with no space.

Anyway child support has been moving along fantastically. I assume they’ve sent out the notices. Daddy has been sending me emails saying in one sentence he has no money to pay for CS so its not fair I filed, and in the next claiming I raped him to set him up because he doesn’t remember me or ever sleeping with me. He says he vaguely remembers falling asleep while being in my presence and that I’ll never get away with this. Mmm sure baby. Guess that’s why you were all in my face saying you missed fucking me a couple months ago, huh?

Gotta love him.

ETA: I’ve been doing a worse job at keeping up this blog than I thought! Damn damn damn. I forgot to mention before that about 3-4 weeks ago Child Support had been stalling with my case and when I would call them to get answers Customer Service would claim that the hold up was that they couldn’t find Daddy even though I gave them his exact address that he had given me and no explanation as to why that was.
I got frustrated with that after hearing it for 2 months and ontop of that they were acting like I was a pain in the ass for calling them. I decided that I would write a letter to the governor to get something done and before I sent it off I like Child Support know I was going to. That same day a man called me from the Child Support office apologizing profusely and told me that he went over my case file and the hold up was that for some bullshit nonexistent reason they wrote me down as non-cooperative and put my case on hold. Finding Daddy wasn’t an issue, they found him months before. He told me he would take off my “non-coop” title and put my case as top priority to get things moving along and he would send out the letter to Daddy to let him know he was being sued for Child Support and the steps to move forward.

Glad to see he kept good on his word. Daddy got the letter and seems to be flipping his lid. I think it’s funny he actually thought I wouldn’t do this. That he could get off scotch free and not be held accountable for anything AGAIN. Nope, baby. You’re a 27 year old (sorry excuse for a) man. Time to finally step up and be responsible for something you’ve done.

I decided to get it over with today and here is how the convo went:

“Me: i got a letter in the mail saying our son kobe has a health concern and both of his parents need their blood tested as well for precaution. contact your local health department soon and ask them about it.
Him: wtf
Him: umm ok”

That’s all that was said from either of us. I kinda expected this which is why I was so vague in my message.. I figured if he really cared either way he’d ask for more information. Ok, I expected it so why am I so upset? I feel angry and like I want to cry. I guess it’s the confirmation that damn he really DOESN’T give a fuck about our son, MY baby, and more than that he doesn’t give a fuck if he dies .. for all he knows he could be dying.

I just DON”T get it! How could he reject such a beautiful, smart and healthy boy like this? A boy who has never done anything wrong in this world. A boy who would love him unconditionally. HOW? WHY?

I hate being reminded how much of an asshole he is because I feel it reflects on me and my bad judgment. I feel I’m to blame that my son doesn’t have a father and the one he does have is not one he deserves. I hate myself for doing this to him because I always promised myself my kids would not be in this situation and I failed.

I don’t know what to do. All I can do is hug my baby tight and try to fight back the tears.

I will NEVER contact him again. Not even for medical issues which was the only reason I contacted him initially but no more! I’m so done. FUCK him. I hope he gets treated just as evil as he treats other people, HIS SON. I hope his life is so fucking miserable and he pays for this big time. I really do.

The date I met Daddy: October 5
The day I got pregnant: October 19
The day I found out I was pregnant: November 3
The day I moved in with Daddy and discovered his real world: November 5
The day my life turned into hell (at the time) and I discovered I would be a single mom: November 7

I’m not sure why but these dates scare me. I’m reliving the memories, feeling the emotions I felt and suddenly I’m on the verge of tears. Is that weird that my memories still hurt me one year later? I’m not sure why. I guess because it was all so much to handle at the time, and it seems like it all happened yesterday. I was so hurt, so depressed, so conflicted. Every thing that happened on these dates changed my life forever.

* I remember meeting Daddy. I thought he was so good-looking and so sweet. I can’t believe that I actually swooned when he wrote and sang a song for me on his keyboard. He’s an awesome musician. Like a moth to a flame I was instantly drawn to him and could not tear myself away.

* Me and Daddy connected immediately and were inseparable. Within a week of knowing me he was telling me he loved me and that I was the girl of his dreams. Slowly he became obsessed with me and obsessive over me. He was crazy, but I was bored and liked the attention .. and the crazy kinda turned me on.

* Daddy came to live with me and things were good at first, though I knew something was up with him because he looked a hot mess and was strung out. He hid his addiction from me through a lie. He said he was looking so bad and “feeling weird” because of stress and his inability to sleep.
I should have known better because right before he came to see me he told me he was going to get some crack and asked me if I wanted any … “JUST KIDDING!” Yeah, right. I’m naive to hard drugs to I believed him.

* We were on my bed cuddling and watching a movie when Daddy pressured me into having sex with him and to do so with no condom .. and then to do so with no pulling out. He told me he was not concerned about me getting pregnant because he wanted me to be. He wanted me to have his baby. He had been pressuring me to having his baby for 3 days now. Though my heart was screaming “No! You will regret this!” I gave in. I felt so weak, and for some reason I just could not speak up for myself. It was like I was mute.

* Daddy and I sat around smoking weed, getting drunk and having lots of unprotected sex for days. I had become comfortable with him not pulling out of me at this point.

* We fought off and on and broke up off and on. I continued to drink and smoke to deal with the pain and frustration of dealing with this hot and cold crazy man. I was never much of a drinker as I prefer smoking, but at this point I was drinking LOTS.

* I took a morning after pill.

* Halloween is my favorite holiday. I drank hard alcohol, smoked like mad (yes Bridgette once LOVED her some green) and partied like a rock star on October 30, 31, Nov 1.

* Nov 3 I went to the bathroom and saw an old, nearly expired pregnancy test lying on the counter. I peed on it just for the hell of it. I wasn’t expecting to be pregnant because I had taken the morning after pill on time. The result: PREGNANT!
First reaction: “Oh. my. fucking. god.”
Second reaction: *remembering how much I had been drinking and smoking all along* “Oh my god, my baby is going to be retarded” (for lack of better word at the time)

To be continued …

First I want to address the depression and the issues I have with Daddy that I wrote about. My problem is that I’m crazy. Seriously, lol, I feel like I am. I flip flop daily with how I feel and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m hormonal, or because I’m not capable of wallowing in my sadness for long. I’m much more of a “change things, regain control” type of person than someone who would rather constantly feel like “woe is me”. It’s probably a bit of both, no? Crazy mixed in there too.

My other problem is no matter how much of a piece of shit Daddy is, no matter how many times I feel satisfied without him, no matter how many times I feel I’m ok being a single mom raising our son on my own, I have a horrible habit of romanticizing him. I start imagining a man who is not him. A man who is happy, well adjusted and stable. A man who is capable of loving anyone other than himself. A man who deep down could be a loving father to both of his sons. A man who could be a great boyfriend if maybe I didn’t mess up somehow (as if how he acts towards me is my fault). So I become bitter. I become jealous. I become full of hate and anger.

But with his help I’ve pulled myself back to reality. He’s showed his ass once again and I realize he’s still as much of a loser as he ever was. And a piece of shit person at that. Yes I wish things were different, but they never will be. He will never ever change. Day by day I’m learning to accept that.

Around midnight I got an IM from him saying nothing other than “Why do you even like me? My dick is so small. It misses you though”

Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!

Loves it. I I love how he had the time to ask me about his dick, he had the time to send me pics of it and get on webcam ..but he didn’t have 10 seconds to ask me about his son.

I also love that he just assumes that I still like him. What is his deal? Girlfriend and all we’ve been through why is he still so interested fucking me? Why? Is he really delusional enough to think I’m going to be like “Ok well you’ve put my heart through hell for the past year, but I don’t even care anymore! Throw me that cock!”

Wow. I have no words for this Loser .. except LOL.

Surely he has lost his mind.

While once upon a time I enjoyed writing fiction, I cannot be fake here. I made this blog for a reason and it was to be therapeutic to all the feelings and mixed emotions I was going through after finding out that I was pregnant, and that I may be single and pregnant .. because my boyfriend just couldn’t make up his mind what he wanted to do with his life and if he wanted me and our baby in it. It was a heartbreaking situation to be thrown in, I did not see it coming, I did not want it and simultaneously I was driving my friends crazy by talking about the predicament incessantly.

What I have said here has been real .. I’ve admitted things .. that I was careless and let my son fall TWICE in ONE day, that I’ve had a problem in the past controlling sexual relationships and getting what I wanted out of them, that after everything that has happened I miss my child’s father, that I now have a weight problem, that money is hard yet I still spend foolishly, that I’ve had my heartbroken embarrassingly right after I finally decided to write that we made our relationship official. Oh, and I cuss a lot sometimes .. I don’t always bite my tongue, I don’t always tell a perfectly readable story.

I’ve let it all out. While I try to be positive, I try to avoid painting some fake or forced “single mom living happily ever after” fairytale to impress the public with. No, not everything is perfect, inspirational or alright .. but I do my best.

But still, though I want to, I find it hard to be completely 100% real. To be raw dog and say all of the bullshit that’s on my mind. Eloquently. Because I care. I care that I have a number of readers lurk my blog everyday, following along to my life story. I appreciate you guys and I don’t want to offend anyone. I cre that I’m putting myself in the open for the whole world wide web to read and that someday, just maybe, somehow it could bite my in the ass.
But having the thoughts weigh on my had for the longest time, just screaming to get out to someone, anyone who will listen is wearing me down. I desperately just getting out what I’m really thinking and feeling with no gloss or pretense. That therapeutic release that I needed when I first created this blog is what I need right now. So here it goes .. completely raw, completely uncensored, completely honest ..

I’m depressed, the extremity of my depression changes daily but I am depressed. I do all I can for my son, and I think I’m doing OK, but it’s still so fucking hard for me to look at him everyday and not think of his Dad. To face all of the emotions that I have for his dad deep inside of my heart that I never really express.

I’m sick of Daddy. I don’t even talk to him, but I’m sick of him and his fake perfection. I’m sick of how he tries to make me jealous, make me feel inferior. I just want to publish my open letter to him:

“So your dad bought you a pimped out new place, your dad bought you 2 new cars, you’re completely drug free now, you’re one of the best MJ impersonators in the world “LOOK AT ME I’M TRYING TO GET FAMOUS ON YOUTUBE!!!”, you have a new girlfriend and she’s so funny and nice, your dick has grown 3 inches since I was with you, your life is so much better now .. FUCK YOU!

Though I love you for what you have given me, I sincerely hate you. You have put me through hell this past year, you have turned my world upside down, you’ve broken down and shredded any and all self esteem I’ve ever had. But you want to be the one who is doing better and living the good life?
You fucking left me. ALONE to raise OUR child .. and how could you do that to me? You wanted this so fucking bad. Don’t you even remember? You wanted me to be pregnant for so fucking long, you begged and prayed for me to be and then when I was and scared out of my fucking mind you started flip flopping, changing your mind every second before just abandoning me all together 3 months into my pregnancy?
But you want to make ME feel bad? You want to make me feel like I’m nothing without you? Why?
I had your son. For 9 months I had you growing inside of me. I gave up the only life I knew for you. I’ve cried my eyes out and felt miserable DAILY for you. I gave up my body for you .. I’m fucking 70lbs overweight now because of you. I suffered through pregnancy and labor for you. I’m struggling as a single parent for you, I’m raising up the best gift anyone could ever give you (or me) .. and you wanna shit on me? You wanna live happy and free leaving me by myself with our child to fend and fight through life any way I can without your help?

You may not think I do, but, Baby, I know you. I know 90% of your happiness is just smoke in the mirror. It’s just bullshit you pep talk yourself with to feel good about yourself. I know this but still I want to say this: Suffer please. I want you to know how I feel, how I’ve felt. I want you to know how wrong you are, how guilty you are. I want you to know how much you’ve hurt me, how bad you’ve treated me and how I’ve done nothing to deserve it. I’ve only done what you wanted me to do, I had your baby.”

Daddy is only one of many reasons for my depression and developing self destruction. He’s not the only reason, but he is one of the main reasons. I hate that about a week ago I felt so nice, so positive. Now I secretly and shamefully long to smoke weed daily and drink up my cabinet of alcohol to help cope and drown the way I feel just to make it through the days .. but the only reason I do not, and will not is my son. He needs me. He needs me in my right sober mind to put on a happy face and be a good mommy .. so instead I’ve turned to food. I try to numb my emotions by overeating or not eating at all. I haven’t even given enough of a fuck to work out in a week. If nothing else I feel like it’s the one thing I have control over, to deprive or overindulge my eating, my health.
But I realize that this is only making things worse because my body IS another one of the causes of my depression. So I’m honestly going to stop. Seriously. Today.

I’ve written enough. A Novel. My brain is tired now, I’m tired so I’m going to join my son in bed.

Yeah he was my boyfriend, at least that’s the agreement that we made. But we had only been dating 2 weeks before we had sex for the first time and made my son. By the time we made it to 1 month we were over, and 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. No we weren’t fuck buddies, but what we had was not what I thought it would be going into everything and then what I got out of us certainly was NOT what I wanted (not really my son .. but the fact that I got impregnated by an abusive, drug addicted, deadbeat loser which lead to me being a single mother. I never wanted this).

Although I’m happy about the outcome, I can’t help but think how much heartache and misery could have been avoided if I didn’t give in to his pressure and said no. If I just felt him out much longer than the chase and found out what kinda person he was. It wasn’t until he got me for life (by getting me pregnant) that he let it all hang out. And I fuckin hate that. I feel like a fool, like not only did I fuck myself I fucked my son out of the great Dad he deserves.

I’ve had this pressure problem beyond Daddy. Being into guys, yet not ready to be sexual but giving in to the pressure anyway. I’m never happy when this happens, but I’ve been weak. I’ve lacked self-esteem.

I’ve written all of this just to say that I’ve been connecting with a guy, not to date or be with, but a new friend who just so happens to be gorgeous (like 30-something-Brad Pitt- didn’t-have-nothin-on-this-guy-gorgeous) and I’ve enjoyed having an innocent 6th grade crush on.

Anyway, we were chilling this morning and basically he said to me that he’s really into me and was wondering if I’d like to to take things to a more sexual level, that we could date but mostly be exclusive fuck friends since he’s too busy with his career to have a serious girlfriend.
Now this was tempting for me because like I said GORGEOUS!!! and he’s done some modeling .. I can see he’s definitely packing large and damn would I love to give him a try (especially since my postpartum libido has been off the charts). But I just couldn’t. It doesn’t feel right anymore. I held strong to my personal vows and said no .. it’s not what I’m looking for right now. I meant that, I held onto it and I felt great about it.

It may sound like nothing, and what any lady would do but I am so proud of myself. It’s just another thing that’s showing me that I really am changing. That I really am getting better. That I really do value myself more. That I really am becoming a strong woman and mother.

While sex is great, and I deserve lots of great sex, I also deserve a great man. I deserve to be loved truly and I deserve to be committed to. For more than just a toy.

I have faith I will get that some day. When I’m ready.

I’m trying to focus on my little boy for now and there’s so much to focus on. For one, my god, he’s getting so big and it feels like time is just flying. He is so long, so strong, so grown minded and full of personality. He’s smiling and laughing now! What sets him off? I’m not too sure. Sometimes he will look at me and coo, giggle and make me feel like the luckiest woman in the world .. and then other days he will look at me like “Bish, get up out my face”.

Maybe because he realizes his mom is out of her mind.

For two, he’s already trying to stand and climb. Roll over and crawl. He’s so determined, yet his inexperience and tiny body are still holding him back just a little. He’s been attempting these things since birth. I swear he was only a bump on a log for maybe a day.

*~*Join Me While I Babble On About More Mommyness Below*~*

I took these pics the other day and I can’t help but squeal and spasm uncontrollably into all kinds of jerky “proud, happy mommy” moves. He’s so handsome and photogenic even through my shitty Nokia XpressMusic cameraphone! I often consider trying to enroll him in some sort of baby modeling, but I’m not really one to pimp out my child. I figure it’s not really his choice so why put him into something he might not want or enjoy? One of my main goala as a mother is not to force my son to be anything I want him to be. I only hope to influence him positively to be the best he can be, and achieve the things he would like to achieve.

Lastly, I’m sitting here staring at his face while he sleeps and I swear everyday he looks more and more like his dad. How he can look at our son’s face and still tell me he needs a paternity test is beyond me. The uncanniness still blows me away. Jack looks absolutely nothing like me, although there are days when for a split second he will make a face and look like Baby Bridgette That’s amazing to see.

But you know what? After all of this bullshit, come 5-10 years from now if I’m not close to being married or in a loving, stable relationship I honestly want Daddy’s sperm for more children. I know it sounds crazy, but dammit if we don’t make great babies together. Beautiful, smart, amazing babies.

The lyrics to that whole song ring so true to me at this moment. This town, this state is SUFFOCATING. I feel like I’m cooped in with no where to go. I feel like I just can’t escape my thoughts of him. I feel like he is haunting me every where I turn! I.CAN.NOT.BREATHE!

I was reading Matt Logelin’s Blog and was thinking how cool it is that Matt just seems to travel the world on a regular basis. Every time I give his blog a visit he seems to be headed to a new destination. I’m envious! That’s my dream. I have so many spots marked on my map. My preferred order is California> NYC> Hawaii> Backpack Europe> Australia.

There’s always been an excuse why I cannot travel. Formerly it was work obligations, then it became financial, then it became the baby. Yes, I’ve been cooped up in good ol Oklahoma for 7 years now. I can’t take it anymore. I just can’t.

I whipped out my American Express, pulled up Expedia.com and began booking a trip to Sacramento, California. One of my best friends, Steve, lives there. I’ve been telling him for nearly 10 years now that I’m going to visit him and it’s all been talk but now I’m ready for some action.
I gave Steve a call before confirming anything and asked him how he would like some company on Halloween. I crossed my fingers and as anticipated I got a big ol “HELL YEAH!” on the other end

My god, I’m so excited. I need this. I deserve this.

He may have changed my life, but I will not let him ruin it. I will not be consumed by him. I cannot control him, but I can control my life. My happiness. My success. My dreams are still alive and I will make them happen. I will continue on. I will overcome. I will prosper.

His dad may not be around to love him, but I look at my son and he’s OK. He’s happy. He’s not aware of all the bullshit. He knows me. He knows that I’m his mommy and that I love him very much and take good care of him. What’s a Daddy?

If he’s just fine then all is not lost. We will be fine.

This is the beginning of my new life. Hello, world. Here I come