The best way to heal with dignity (for both people after a breakup) is with NO CONTACT.

Raise your hand and repeat after me…

I, (state your name), do, hereby, solemnly swear that I will not behave in the manner of a crazy Ex. I will not participate in foolish or destructive behavior. I promise to act in a dignified fashion and that means I will not do stupid things, no matter how I might rationalize them. Therefore, I vow the following:

* I will not call him. No matter what good or bad news I think he should hear only from me, I will not call him. Even if I am convinced it will make me feel better, I will not call him. I will not call him even to get my stuff. I’ll have a friend do that, preferably via email.

* I will not email him. Not even an innocent and rather funny group email forward. I will not email him simply to give him back his stuff. I will not contact him at all.

* I will not frequent the places I know he goes to, even if I went there first and like it better. I acknowledge that this is not a pissing contest about territory. I know going to such places will hurt more than it will help. Until there has been some space and time between us, going to those places is asinine, can be viewed as stalker-ish and will be painful only to me.

* I will not encourage or allow friends to do anything foolhardy, even with my best interest at heart. That includes talking to him when they see him in public to let him know he is a jerk and he’ll never do better than me, or to share that I am looking fabulous, got a promotion, bought a new house, etc.

* I will screen all of my calls. I will get caller ID, if necessary, and put “private call block” on my phone. I will not answer the phone unless I know who it is and am sure it’s not him. All other calls will go to voicemail.

* I will not take his phone calls. I repeat, I will not take his calls.

* I will not return his phone calls or emails. If he is “just checking” to see how I am, I know he is really just checking to see if I think he’s a jackass. He is looking for an ego stroke, not to get back together, and I know this because he did not start out the communication with, “I am sorry. I made a mistake. I want us to get back together.”

* I will not look for signs that we will get back together. This includes asking the Magic-8 Ball or tarot card readers and the like. The only professional guidance I will seek will be that of a licensed therapist or member of the clergy.

* I will not believe this is temporary. I will see this as permanent until proven otherwise by concrete actions, immense apologies and couple’s therapy.

* I will not hide under a rock, be humiliated or ashamed that this relationship ended. For all I know, this could be the best thing that ever happened to me. And I believe the wonderful stuff I deserve is on its way.

* I promise to abide by these vows for at least thirty (30) days, or until I have gotten over him, whichever is longer. This is about me feeling better and that has nothing to do with him.

This I do affirm. So help me.

Signed:

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No contact is like putting a cast on your broken leg (read: broken heart, broken relationship). The cast is awkward and uncomfortable, and at times you want to rip the damn thing off, but ultimately it’s the best, safest, and most stablizing way to let yourself heal. The cast (no contact) stays on until you are healed and truly ready to move on to something new.

Otherwise, continuing contact is like walking around on that broken leg. It hurts like hell, and it’ll never heal properly.

Yeah he was my boyfriend, at least that’s the agreement that we made. But we had only been dating 2 weeks before we had sex for the first time and made my son. By the time we made it to 1 month we were over, and 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. No we weren’t fuck buddies, but what we had was not what I thought it would be going into everything and then what I got out of us certainly was NOT what I wanted (not really my son .. but the fact that I got impregnated by an abusive, drug addicted, deadbeat loser which lead to me being a single mother. I never wanted this).

Although I’m happy about the outcome, I can’t help but think how much heartache and misery could have been avoided if I didn’t give in to his pressure and said no. If I just felt him out much longer than the chase and found out what kinda person he was. It wasn’t until he got me for life (by getting me pregnant) that he let it all hang out. And I fuckin hate that. I feel like a fool, like not only did I fuck myself I fucked my son out of the great Dad he deserves.

I’ve had this pressure problem beyond Daddy. Being into guys, yet not ready to be sexual but giving in to the pressure anyway. I’m never happy when this happens, but I’ve been weak. I’ve lacked self-esteem.

I’ve written all of this just to say that I’ve been connecting with a guy, not to date or be with, but a new friend who just so happens to be gorgeous (like 30-something-Brad Pitt- didn’t-have-nothin-on-this-guy-gorgeous) and I’ve enjoyed having an innocent 6th grade crush on.

Anyway, we were chilling this morning and basically he said to me that he’s really into me and was wondering if I’d like to to take things to a more sexual level, that we could date but mostly be exclusive fuck friends since he’s too busy with his career to have a serious girlfriend.
Now this was tempting for me because like I said GORGEOUS!!! and he’s done some modeling .. I can see he’s definitely packing large and damn would I love to give him a try (especially since my postpartum libido has been off the charts). But I just couldn’t. It doesn’t feel right anymore. I held strong to my personal vows and said no .. it’s not what I’m looking for right now. I meant that, I held onto it and I felt great about it.

It may sound like nothing, and what any lady would do but I am so proud of myself. It’s just another thing that’s showing me that I really am changing. That I really am getting better. That I really do value myself more. That I really am becoming a strong woman and mother.

While sex is great, and I deserve lots of great sex, I also deserve a great man. I deserve to be loved truly and I deserve to be committed to. For more than just a toy.

I have faith I will get that some day. When I’m ready.

Dating a single parent always seemed less than ideal. I would hear words like “baggage”, “damaged goods” thrown around along with the unappealing idea of taking care of someone else’s child.

A beautiful and wonderful woman who happened to also be a single mommy took me under her wing while I cried and bitched and she told me as far as men go “Don’t even worry about that. When you have that baby, and even when you become visibly pregnant, you won’t be able to walk out of the door without men throwing themselves at you. Trust me you’re going to do fine”.
And she went on to tell me her theories why a high caliber of men were attracted to single mothers and how she had no problems getting into dating when she was ready.

I listened and believed her, but I didn’t think the same would happen for me .. until this past week when for former male acquaintances saw me with my son and asked me out.

So strange it all happened the same.

Them: “Oh wow so you have a baby now?”
Me: “Yeah this is my son”
Them: “Wow that’s truly amazing. I had no idea! How do you like being a mom? Are things much different for you?”
Me: “I love being a mom! My son is the greatest thing that ever happened … and things are very different. There’s always change when you become responsible for another human being. Majority of it’s good change. I’m still the same, but more grown up .. I have to be you know?”
Them: “Yeah totally that’s awesome. So you’re not all that wild anymore, huh?”
Me: “Noo .. I’m kinda boring now actually”
Them: *laughs* “No never! Are you with his father? Do you guys have a good relationship?”
Me: “No we are no longer together. Our relationship is fine yes” (I never speak negatively about my BD to people and I never let them know what our relationship is like in detail. I’d prefer to avoid him in conversation all together.)
Them: “That’s really good. So wow it’s great to see you again .. Look I know things may be a little busy for you now, but I’m wondering if there’s a chance I could take you out sometime? Maybe dinner or something?”

Four days in a row .. lol. Wow,what’s the deal? I find it very flattering especially during a time in my life where I’m finally beginning to value my self-worth again and I am working on my self esteem to know I “got it” and know that I can move on from certain men and there will always be more out there to choose from, me with a kid and all.

But all the same I’m not ready to date. I’m not completely happy with myself nor am I all that confident. While I’m getting my life together everything is still a mess right now while I’m learning how to be the sole parent of a beautiful baby boy. He’s the only man I have time for in my life now. Plus I’m not in a hurry to ax my title as “Single” right now.

What I am in a hurry to ax are my lonely feelings. The number of friends I have are so low now. Even those who I thought could be true I’ve learned aren’t that interested in hanging out with me if it’s not in a bar or club and that’s just totally not my scene anymore. IS there anyone out there who enjoys laid back things anymore? OR any women who enjoy having relaxed girl’s nights without constantly tagging their uninvited boyfriends alone so they have someone to make out with all night?

Let’s hope I find out!

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.
I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for
us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you’ve got to know when people’s part in your story is over so that you don’t keep trying to raise the dead.
You’ve got to know when it’s dead.

You’ve got to know when it’s over. Let me tell you something. I’ve got the gift of good-bye. It’s the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It’s not that I’m hateful, it’s that I’m faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He’ll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don’t need it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn’t belong to you and was never intended for your life,

then you need to……

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ……

LET IT GO!!!

If someone can’t treat you right, love you back, and
see your worth…..

LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you .

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge……

LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction……

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents

LET IT GO!!!

If you! u have a bad attitude…….

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better……

LET IT GO!!!

If you’re stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him……..

LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship…….

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won’t even try to help themselves……

LET IT GO!!!

If you’re feeling depressed and stressed ……….

LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying ‘take your hands off of it,’ then you need to……

LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2009!!!

LET IT GO!!!

Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then .

LET IT GO!!!

It’s not hard to see why I was so into him. He made his move on me at a perfect time. I was hurt and vulnerable over the reality that my dreams were not going to come true with Daddy. I was not going to have a perfect family, with a perfect, loving mother and father joined with a perfect baby. I was not going to be Mrs. Cleaver 2009. And I was accepting that. No, I wasn’t looking for immediate love nor was I looking for a immediate replacement father for my child, but I was looking for a friend. Someone I could confine in and talk to about everything. Someone who would listen and uunderstand. Someone who would comfort me and wipe away me tears.He was there.
He was amazing and he was my rock. He would comfort me, support me and he made me see the good in every thing. Not only that he made me feel beautiful, he made me feel special. He was a guy who was there caring for me when other guys were running because they expect the worst from pregnant chicks. How could I have not fallen inlove with him? That all makes sense. He was perfect. But not really.

All of this .. all I’ve went through with men in the past and present, everything I’ve witnessed and learned about relationships .. it all inspires me to work harder to be an excellent mom. I have a little man who I am in charge of raising. What type of man he will be solely relies on me and I refuse to fail. I refuse to add on to the asshole population. I refuse to have a poor girl 18 years from now feel the way I do by actions of my boy. It’s just not going to happen.

Not to this perfect little boy who is my strength. This perfect little boy who is the reason I’m living right now and look forward to life. The perfect little boy who is the reason I’m up at 5:13 working when I’d rather be sleeping.

And from this moment on I push forward leaving back the past, but not forgetting what it has taught me. From this moment on I push forward not only for myself but for my perfect baby boy.

“I want to change my life”, he said. “I realize that I’ve done a lot to fuck things up, but the reason I did that was because I still have so many feelings for my ex and I haven’t known how to contain them.”

Wow. Really? I immediately I felt a sharp pain right through my chest. A pain that made me feel weak. It was a dagger slicing it’s sharp blade right through my heart and oh shit was it’s sudden impact killing me.

He continued, “I’ve been having sex so much lately and I think I’m going to give that up. I just don’t want to be this person anymore”

BAM! I’m breathless and feel the blow of a champion boxer’s fist sinks right in my stomach. The tears immediately well up in my eyes and I try my damnedest to choke them back. I want to puke.

“Yeah I’m going to give that up. But I’m afraid if I keep talking to girls I won’t stop. But that’s all I have in my life right now is girls.”

Now I’m excusing myself to puke in the waste basket next to my bed.

How could he even think I’m ready to hear this? I suppose it’s not his fault, it’s been months. The better question is how did I managed to be so strong while listening? To not break down the way I wanted to. To not scream “What about me? Don’t you know I still love you? Was I nothing to you this whole time? I thought I was .. at least thats what you told me”. How did I manage to pretend I understood every thing he was saying and was happy for him?

I mean I’ve moved on. The past couple of months I had been rekindling with an ex before he moved out of state earlier this month. Yes, I liked my ex. I still like him and it was so great to see him again, but things just aren’t the same with him. This nameless guy was still on my mind. Guilty. I would’ve rather been laying in bed with him at night. Kissing him, getting my bear hugs and tummy rubs from him. Although they were really nice coming from the ex they just weren’t the same. Guilty, guilty. I’m so guilty.

“So how are you doing? Are you feeling ok?”, he inquired.

“Yeah I’m great.” I lied. “My life is wonderful and I’m so happy right now”.

He asked a couple more questions before continued on talking about his great life without me. I die.

When will I ever get this right? When will my heart ever completely give him up? I finally feel like it’s so time.

I feel like it’s mandatory not only for myself and my sanity, but for my little boy as well. I guess I feel like with time there comes a place in parenthood where you become choosier about who your friends are and the group you roll with. My group of so-called friends desperately needed tweaking. I can’t live with the constant drama. I can no longer hang with the people who were cool as hell when I was a teenager, but have yet to mature past the age of 16 as 20-somethings. The people who are in no way shape or form uplifting to me. Those make it a struggle to preserve my inner peace and happiness. I figure what is the point anymore? Yes, things may be a little lonelier now, but I am better off. And you know what? So far it’s working.

I also feel like I can no longer do this on my own spiritually. It’s taken me awhile, but I realize I’m not Superwoman. I’m not able to completely control of my life and destiny. I’m not able to single-handedly juggle all that life throws at me. Maybe I need that Higher Power for guidance so I can find my way out of the darkness. I need Him for strength as I continue on trying to become the woman I need to be for not only myself, but for my son. To raise him up into an upstanding young man and provide him with a full life. I’m ready for things to be on the right track again and I feel they never fully will be without Him.

And no this will not turn into a preachy blog. Let’s just call it gradual spiritual enlightenment.

……………….

I had an emotional breakdown last night. I temporarily went insane. The pain became too much. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t get comfortable and on top of everything my son decided to start kicking me as hard as he could. It was driving me wild. I called my mom and let loose. She was awesome and drove over to just sit next to me until I fell asleep in bed. I think I’m going to buy some flowers and give them to her tomorrow for my birthday. Just to show her I appreciate her, firstly for all she went to bring me into the world and now all she does since I have been in the world. I completely understand being a mother now and I know it ain’t easy. It should be her day as much as mine.

Fast forward to today, I had trouble sleeping this morning and so I laid up in bed and thought a lot of him. I missed him being around. So I texted him and told him so. Just a simple “Hey. I’m thinking about you. I miss you right now.”

His response? Honestly? …….. “Thank you ”

Wow. What the fuck am I doing? I’m so getting played up and down and I’m allowing it to happen. Doesn’t it seem that way to you guys? I’ve cared about the boy, yes, but he’s turning me into a girl I have never been. I look like a fool. I’m being foolish. I’m chasing after a boy and he’s sitting back enjoying this.

I’m livid. At myself, at him, but at myself. It’s so time to get my life and myself on track. I need to try my damnedest to forget about and get over these stupid fucking boys. They are seriously ruining me and I’ve let them do it. I can do better and I deserve better. For my fucking sanity.

(BTW I’m tired of his little “You only want me around because your baby’s dad isn’t” cracks at me. YOU WANTED TO BE AROUND! You begged ME to be there instead of him. I wanted you around because I truly cared about you and wanted you in my life. Not to have you replace anyone … but obviously wanting that was a mistake)

It’s so hard to gather up the strength .. the strength to heal, the strength to move on, the strength to forget. I feel so vulnerable and stupid. I don’t know how to handle being in this position. I just wanna break down.