However, the most shocking part for me was when he wrote her back. She didn’t have her glasses, so when the mail came she brought the letter over and asked me if I would like to read it aloud to her and I did. He thanked her, he talked about his love for Jack, what life is like in prison, then at the end of the letter he began telling her how much he loves me, how I’m everything he’s ever wanted in a woman, how blessed he is to still have me in his life and how he feels he can’t live without me .. and then came the shocker … he said he would like to propose and he asked for her permission to marry me. This is news to me. I had no idea, so I guess apparently I was not supposed to read the letter. Yowzers!

Wow. I’m just completely floored. I don’t know what to think or say. Jack and I are supposed to go visit in a couple of weeks and I’m wondering if that’s when he will do it. Just .. wow. Wow. I have no speech right now.

Today I took him to the doctors office for an appointment and I almost forgot how I had been avoiding the pediatric the past few months: my son doesn’t know how to act while we wait. As soon as he managed to get away from me he took off running all around the building, under chairs, bumping into folks into the lab room, knocking over medical equipment, throwing chairs and magazines. I was so embarrassed. There had to be about 40 adults and children waiting as well and everyone just stared at me as I ran around like a helpless dog trying to chase a hare.
I finally grabbed him up and carried him into the children’s waiting room where a man was waiting with his sick son. My son went crazy pulling the limp noodle act when he figured out he had to sit. I fucking hate the limp noodle routine because I have to continue dragging him around nearly yanking his arm out of socket.
I grabbed him and held him tightly in my lap as he squirmed, screamed, spit at me and started slapping me. I got him to calm down for about 10 minutes by playing a cartoon on my phone but when it was over he threw my cell phone across the floor and started running around again when I got up to pick it up and while he was running he went over to the man, stood on the chair next to him and leaped ontop of the man and into his lap. OMG I felt so humiliated! I grabbed my son and apologized to the man and his son and AGAIN he managed to run away. I chased him down and as we were making our way back I noticed that the man and his son left the children’s waiting room and were sitting in the larger one. It was obvious that they no longer wanted to be around me and my son and I don’t blame them That made me feel terrible.

Some other things that happened throughout the day:

- While the doctor was trying to look in his ears, Jack ripped off Doc’s glasses and threw them across the room.
- When I took him to school after the appointment the first thing he did was punch a little boy in the face, then grab a little girl by her dress and start dragging her across the floor, punching her in the back of the head while she screamed in horror
-When I brought him back home I was trying to carry up his box of diapers that had been delivered up to our apartment. My hands were full so I could not hold JAck’s hand. He took the opportunity to make a break for it and run in traffic and towards a pond totally screaming in laughter while I chased after him. Horrified residents looked on, some probably laughing. It’s all a game to him
- I won’t even get into how he acts at home. I will say it’s not better than how he acts in public. I’ll even post pictures of what he does to our apartment.

Ugh, I’m just venting that I can’t take this anymore. I don’t understand why he acts like this. Is it normal? I feel like I’m failing as a parent because I don’t know how to correct it. Time outs don’t work. Spankings don’t work. Stern talking to’s don’t work. There’s only so much I can do ya know? I fear more than terrible twos what if it’s mental? Both his dad and I are bipolar, but obviously his dad is more fucked up than I am. He’s explained to me before that he’s acted up and caused lots of trouble all his life and has always been pretty terrible tempered. Our son already acts so much like him. I just don’t wanna deal with this See I knew single parenting would be hard and I knew there would be tantrums, but when every day is like today I feel like I’m not cut out for it.

First I want to address the depression and the issues I have with Daddy that I wrote about. My problem is that I’m crazy. Seriously, lol, I feel like I am. I flip flop daily with how I feel and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m hormonal, or because I’m not capable of wallowing in my sadness for long. I’m much more of a “change things, regain control” type of person than someone who would rather constantly feel like “woe is me”. It’s probably a bit of both, no? Crazy mixed in there too.

My other problem is no matter how much of a piece of shit Daddy is, no matter how many times I feel satisfied without him, no matter how many times I feel I’m ok being a single mom raising our son on my own, I have a horrible habit of romanticizing him. I start imagining a man who is not him. A man who is happy, well adjusted and stable. A man who is capable of loving anyone other than himself. A man who deep down could be a loving father to both of his sons. A man who could be a great boyfriend if maybe I didn’t mess up somehow (as if how he acts towards me is my fault). So I become bitter. I become jealous. I become full of hate and anger.

But with his help I’ve pulled myself back to reality. He’s showed his ass once again and I realize he’s still as much of a loser as he ever was. And a piece of shit person at that. Yes I wish things were different, but they never will be. He will never ever change. Day by day I’m learning to accept that.

While once upon a time I enjoyed writing fiction, I cannot be fake here. I made this blog for a reason and it was to be therapeutic to all the feelings and mixed emotions I was going through after finding out that I was pregnant, and that I may be single and pregnant .. because my boyfriend just couldn’t make up his mind what he wanted to do with his life and if he wanted me and our baby in it. It was a heartbreaking situation to be thrown in, I did not see it coming, I did not want it and simultaneously I was driving my friends crazy by talking about the predicament incessantly.

What I have said here has been real .. I’ve admitted things .. that I was careless and let my son fall TWICE in ONE day, that I’ve had a problem in the past controlling sexual relationships and getting what I wanted out of them, that after everything that has happened I miss my child’s father, that I now have a weight problem, that money is hard yet I still spend foolishly, that I’ve had my heartbroken embarrassingly right after I finally decided to write that we made our relationship official. Oh, and I cuss a lot sometimes .. I don’t always bite my tongue, I don’t always tell a perfectly readable story.

I’ve let it all out. While I try to be positive, I try to avoid painting some fake or forced “single mom living happily ever after” fairytale to impress the public with. No, not everything is perfect, inspirational or alright .. but I do my best.

But still, though I want to, I find it hard to be completely 100% real. To be raw dog and say all of the bullshit that’s on my mind. Eloquently. Because I care. I care that I have a number of readers lurk my blog everyday, following along to my life story. I appreciate you guys and I don’t want to offend anyone. I cre that I’m putting myself in the open for the whole world wide web to read and that someday, just maybe, somehow it could bite my in the ass.
But having the thoughts weigh on my had for the longest time, just screaming to get out to someone, anyone who will listen is wearing me down. I desperately just getting out what I’m really thinking and feeling with no gloss or pretense. That therapeutic release that I needed when I first created this blog is what I need right now. So here it goes .. completely raw, completely uncensored, completely honest ..

I’m depressed, the extremity of my depression changes daily but I am depressed. I do all I can for my son, and I think I’m doing OK, but it’s still so fucking hard for me to look at him everyday and not think of his Dad. To face all of the emotions that I have for his dad deep inside of my heart that I never really express.

I’m sick of Daddy. I don’t even talk to him, but I’m sick of him and his fake perfection. I’m sick of how he tries to make me jealous, make me feel inferior. I just want to publish my open letter to him:

“So your dad bought you a pimped out new place, your dad bought you 2 new cars, you’re completely drug free now, you’re one of the best MJ impersonators in the world “LOOK AT ME I’M TRYING TO GET FAMOUS ON YOUTUBE!!!”, you have a new girlfriend and she’s so funny and nice, your dick has grown 3 inches since I was with you, your life is so much better now .. FUCK YOU!

Though I love you for what you have given me, I sincerely hate you. You have put me through hell this past year, you have turned my world upside down, you’ve broken down and shredded any and all self esteem I’ve ever had. But you want to be the one who is doing better and living the good life?
You fucking left me. ALONE to raise OUR child .. and how could you do that to me? You wanted this so fucking bad. Don’t you even remember? You wanted me to be pregnant for so fucking long, you begged and prayed for me to be and then when I was and scared out of my fucking mind you started flip flopping, changing your mind every second before just abandoning me all together 3 months into my pregnancy?
But you want to make ME feel bad? You want to make me feel like I’m nothing without you? Why?
I had your son. For 9 months I had you growing inside of me. I gave up the only life I knew for you. I’ve cried my eyes out and felt miserable DAILY for you. I gave up my body for you .. I’m fucking 70lbs overweight now because of you. I suffered through pregnancy and labor for you. I’m struggling as a single parent for you, I’m raising up the best gift anyone could ever give you (or me) .. and you wanna shit on me? You wanna live happy and free leaving me by myself with our child to fend and fight through life any way I can without your help?

You may not think I do, but, Baby, I know you. I know 90% of your happiness is just smoke in the mirror. It’s just bullshit you pep talk yourself with to feel good about yourself. I know this but still I want to say this: Suffer please. I want you to know how I feel, how I’ve felt. I want you to know how wrong you are, how guilty you are. I want you to know how much you’ve hurt me, how bad you’ve treated me and how I’ve done nothing to deserve it. I’ve only done what you wanted me to do, I had your baby.”

Daddy is only one of many reasons for my depression and developing self destruction. He’s not the only reason, but he is one of the main reasons. I hate that about a week ago I felt so nice, so positive. Now I secretly and shamefully long to smoke weed daily and drink up my cabinet of alcohol to help cope and drown the way I feel just to make it through the days .. but the only reason I do not, and will not is my son. He needs me. He needs me in my right sober mind to put on a happy face and be a good mommy .. so instead I’ve turned to food. I try to numb my emotions by overeating or not eating at all. I haven’t even given enough of a fuck to work out in a week. If nothing else I feel like it’s the one thing I have control over, to deprive or overindulge my eating, my health.
But I realize that this is only making things worse because my body IS another one of the causes of my depression. So I’m honestly going to stop. Seriously. Today.

I’ve written enough. A Novel. My brain is tired now, I’m tired so I’m going to join my son in bed.

All at once I just feel so used up and washed out at the young age of 23. Damaged goods. I hear all the time how being a single parent is so lonely and it’s hard to find friends or dates once this is your life. I had so much planned before parenthood, I wanted so much happiness .. is it really all over for me just because I have a child? Just because I’m one of those pesky single parents? Why does being a single parent have to make one a leper? Someone people look down their nose to and want to avoid at all costs?

My mom is a single mother. She had two friends and tons of brothers and sisters she talked to on the phone. Other than that I was her life, she never dated or anything. She spent all her time in the house with me, only leaving on Sundays for church and through the weekdays for work. She seemed content, but the life always seemed so lonely to me. I had always vowed I wanted to be different.

Now I feel as if I’m headed on the same path all because of one little slip up that turned into a little miracle. And every day I’m reminded of this by someone or something.

How depressing.

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I feel trapped. I feel like this town is tainted. Like this apartment is tainted, like my life is tainted. But what can I do? How can things get better? What would make me more happy? I have no answers. I just know I want desperately to be in better spirits, I want desperately to be genuinely happy, I want desperately to have real friends, people who really care about me surrounding me. Not the fakes.

I just want to cleanse everything. I want all to be pure and new, I want my baby to enter into a world where things are happy, nice and … not like this. But I just feel like I can’t, like I don’t know how to achieve any of this!

I don’t know.

Saying I’m alone could be a huge stretch, I do have family members, most of which are excited about my child .. but I’m not exactly close with my family because I’m not much like them and I don’t agree with how they see a lot of things. I think about some of their beliefs being put in my baby’s head and it scares the crap out of me. For instance it pisses me off that my mom is already being so prejudice and she doesn’t understand just how much it offends me when she says she hopes she doesn’t have a “white” grand baby. She hopes it looks a certain way, acts a certain, doesn’t acknowledge that not only is it black, it’s half-Italian too .. WTF?! The baby is half-white, that’s just a fact. And if it does come out looking more like Daddy than it does me what’s it matter? It’s still my child and still her grandchild.
Also she basically just wants to take my child away because she believes my whole lifestyle is just wrong and that I would fill my own child up with “foolishness”. Because I’m open-minded? Because I’m accepting of others? Because I’m fun-loving? Why? She never answers.

*As for my friends? Well, they can’t imagine what I’m going through so they can’t understand and have nothing to say. Therefore I have no one to talk to.

*My baby’s father is a loser meth-addict who never deserved me to begin with and doesn’t deserve our child, but at the same time he’s hurting us so much because my baby needs it’s father .. especially if it’s a little boy. I have no male role models for him. Why can’t he get his shit together? He got everything he wanted .. he got me pregnant and he’s tied to me forever now. So how can he not give a shit right now? Your wish came true and you don’t want to man up? What was the point? Why did you go through so much trouble to lie and impress me? Was it all just for the extra drama in your life? WTF, dude?!

*The fucking economy sucks. I’m self employed and lately work sucks when it used to be booming. I’ve been surviving off my savings which are dwindling. How can I raise a child in this? Right now I have nothing to give. I can barely afford to feed myself AND keep a roof over my head. How can I feed and house myself and my little kiddo too? Right now I’m working 2 jobs 24/7, just napping when I can trying to make ends meet ..

*I’m tired of people judging me and feeling sorry for me or like they’re better than me because I’m a single mom, alone and pregnant. I can’t even hold a conversation with a guy in a friendly way without him assuming I’m on the hunt for a replacement of a baby’s daddy. I have a baby, not a disease. Why is it assumed that I NEED a man? Why is it assumed I made all the wrong choices in life, that I have a MISTAKE growing inside of me and my life is just headed nowhere but down … like I’m a pity to be around.

*Lastly, I thought I had a man who understood it all. Someone who got me and was on a level with me like no one else was. I did something with him that I never do .. I fell inlove. He told me he wanted me, told me he wanted my baby which I asked him repeatedly not to say but he swore he meant it all. I gave myself to him and what did he do? He left me and broke my heart almost right away. Saying he wanted me and the baby only hurts because I feel lied to and used. Why did he do that? What was the point? I just can’t understand how he keeps talking to me now swearing he loves me so much, yet he no longer wants me. He wants me in the future, but he doesn’t want me now. Why not? What’s suddenly so wrong with me? It kills me because I can’t make sense of it.

How do I handle all of this? I don’t know. I still wake up every morning, my heart is still beating .. so I guess I’m making it. How long can I go on? I have no idea.

I’m trying to be strong and go on, I’m trying to see the brighter side. For short moments I connect with this little one inside of me and I break down crying. I want all the best, I want to be a great mom and so far everything is just so freaking lousy. So the night is darkest just before the dawn .. when will I see my dawn?

I can’t really be blamed too much. I’m only human. I’m a nice person who expects others be nice to me, never do I anticipate those I get along great with and grow close to and fond of to make me feel like shit but hey I learned that can happen.

I don’t have anything against men, but I’m sick of felling used by men. From Daddy to Thumper, to a random ex who crossed paths with me and pretended not to even remember me when there was no way he could forget me. You pile everything on at once and it’s like … wow what type of shitty person was I in a before life to deserve all of this?

I don’t and I hope to never go through it again for awhile. The walls are back up, and men aren’t a concern .. just my child. I’ve removed myself from any coed social networking site except for those aimed toward single parents. All I need is friends right now, people who understand and who I can talk to .. chat with, call up. I don’t need to accidentally fall inlove again.

…………………..

I had my Dr.’s appointment today and it was short. I didn’t get the bloodwork done cause they said next visit they wanna test the baby for disabilities through my blood .. I said I can’t handle that much back and back bloodwork so they said they would push it back just this last time. I’m off the hook though I just wanna get it over with.