First I want to address the depression and the issues I have with Daddy that I wrote about. My problem is that I’m crazy. Seriously, lol, I feel like I am. I flip flop daily with how I feel and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m hormonal, or because I’m not capable of wallowing in my sadness for long. I’m much more of a “change things, regain control” type of person than someone who would rather constantly feel like “woe is me”. It’s probably a bit of both, no? Crazy mixed in there too.

My other problem is no matter how much of a piece of shit Daddy is, no matter how many times I feel satisfied without him, no matter how many times I feel I’m ok being a single mom raising our son on my own, I have a horrible habit of romanticizing him. I start imagining a man who is not him. A man who is happy, well adjusted and stable. A man who is capable of loving anyone other than himself. A man who deep down could be a loving father to both of his sons. A man who could be a great boyfriend if maybe I didn’t mess up somehow (as if how he acts towards me is my fault). So I become bitter. I become jealous. I become full of hate and anger.

But with his help I’ve pulled myself back to reality. He’s showed his ass once again and I realize he’s still as much of a loser as he ever was. And a piece of shit person at that. Yes I wish things were different, but they never will be. He will never ever change. Day by day I’m learning to accept that.

While once upon a time I enjoyed writing fiction, I cannot be fake here. I made this blog for a reason and it was to be therapeutic to all the feelings and mixed emotions I was going through after finding out that I was pregnant, and that I may be single and pregnant .. because my boyfriend just couldn’t make up his mind what he wanted to do with his life and if he wanted me and our baby in it. It was a heartbreaking situation to be thrown in, I did not see it coming, I did not want it and simultaneously I was driving my friends crazy by talking about the predicament incessantly.

What I have said here has been real .. I’ve admitted things .. that I was careless and let my son fall TWICE in ONE day, that I’ve had a problem in the past controlling sexual relationships and getting what I wanted out of them, that after everything that has happened I miss my child’s father, that I now have a weight problem, that money is hard yet I still spend foolishly, that I’ve had my heartbroken embarrassingly right after I finally decided to write that we made our relationship official. Oh, and I cuss a lot sometimes .. I don’t always bite my tongue, I don’t always tell a perfectly readable story.

I’ve let it all out. While I try to be positive, I try to avoid painting some fake or forced “single mom living happily ever after” fairytale to impress the public with. No, not everything is perfect, inspirational or alright .. but I do my best.

But still, though I want to, I find it hard to be completely 100% real. To be raw dog and say all of the bullshit that’s on my mind. Eloquently. Because I care. I care that I have a number of readers lurk my blog everyday, following along to my life story. I appreciate you guys and I don’t want to offend anyone. I cre that I’m putting myself in the open for the whole world wide web to read and that someday, just maybe, somehow it could bite my in the ass.
But having the thoughts weigh on my had for the longest time, just screaming to get out to someone, anyone who will listen is wearing me down. I desperately just getting out what I’m really thinking and feeling with no gloss or pretense. That therapeutic release that I needed when I first created this blog is what I need right now. So here it goes .. completely raw, completely uncensored, completely honest ..

I’m depressed, the extremity of my depression changes daily but I am depressed. I do all I can for my son, and I think I’m doing OK, but it’s still so fucking hard for me to look at him everyday and not think of his Dad. To face all of the emotions that I have for his dad deep inside of my heart that I never really express.

I’m sick of Daddy. I don’t even talk to him, but I’m sick of him and his fake perfection. I’m sick of how he tries to make me jealous, make me feel inferior. I just want to publish my open letter to him:

“So your dad bought you a pimped out new place, your dad bought you 2 new cars, you’re completely drug free now, you’re one of the best MJ impersonators in the world “LOOK AT ME I’M TRYING TO GET FAMOUS ON YOUTUBE!!!”, you have a new girlfriend and she’s so funny and nice, your dick has grown 3 inches since I was with you, your life is so much better now .. FUCK YOU!

Though I love you for what you have given me, I sincerely hate you. You have put me through hell this past year, you have turned my world upside down, you’ve broken down and shredded any and all self esteem I’ve ever had. But you want to be the one who is doing better and living the good life?
You fucking left me. ALONE to raise OUR child .. and how could you do that to me? You wanted this so fucking bad. Don’t you even remember? You wanted me to be pregnant for so fucking long, you begged and prayed for me to be and then when I was and scared out of my fucking mind you started flip flopping, changing your mind every second before just abandoning me all together 3 months into my pregnancy?
But you want to make ME feel bad? You want to make me feel like I’m nothing without you? Why?
I had your son. For 9 months I had you growing inside of me. I gave up the only life I knew for you. I’ve cried my eyes out and felt miserable DAILY for you. I gave up my body for you .. I’m fucking 70lbs overweight now because of you. I suffered through pregnancy and labor for you. I’m struggling as a single parent for you, I’m raising up the best gift anyone could ever give you (or me) .. and you wanna shit on me? You wanna live happy and free leaving me by myself with our child to fend and fight through life any way I can without your help?

You may not think I do, but, Baby, I know you. I know 90% of your happiness is just smoke in the mirror. It’s just bullshit you pep talk yourself with to feel good about yourself. I know this but still I want to say this: Suffer please. I want you to know how I feel, how I’ve felt. I want you to know how wrong you are, how guilty you are. I want you to know how much you’ve hurt me, how bad you’ve treated me and how I’ve done nothing to deserve it. I’ve only done what you wanted me to do, I had your baby.”

Daddy is only one of many reasons for my depression and developing self destruction. He’s not the only reason, but he is one of the main reasons. I hate that about a week ago I felt so nice, so positive. Now I secretly and shamefully long to smoke weed daily and drink up my cabinet of alcohol to help cope and drown the way I feel just to make it through the days .. but the only reason I do not, and will not is my son. He needs me. He needs me in my right sober mind to put on a happy face and be a good mommy .. so instead I’ve turned to food. I try to numb my emotions by overeating or not eating at all. I haven’t even given enough of a fuck to work out in a week. If nothing else I feel like it’s the one thing I have control over, to deprive or overindulge my eating, my health.
But I realize that this is only making things worse because my body IS another one of the causes of my depression. So I’m honestly going to stop. Seriously. Today.

I’ve written enough. A Novel. My brain is tired now, I’m tired so I’m going to join my son in bed.

All at once I just feel so used up and washed out at the young age of 23. Damaged goods. I hear all the time how being a single parent is so lonely and it’s hard to find friends or dates once this is your life. I had so much planned before parenthood, I wanted so much happiness .. is it really all over for me just because I have a child? Just because I’m one of those pesky single parents? Why does being a single parent have to make one a leper? Someone people look down their nose to and want to avoid at all costs?

My mom is a single mother. She had two friends and tons of brothers and sisters she talked to on the phone. Other than that I was her life, she never dated or anything. She spent all her time in the house with me, only leaving on Sundays for church and through the weekdays for work. She seemed content, but the life always seemed so lonely to me. I had always vowed I wanted to be different.

Now I feel as if I’m headed on the same path all because of one little slip up that turned into a little miracle. And every day I’m reminded of this by someone or something.

How depressing.

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I feel trapped. I feel like this town is tainted. Like this apartment is tainted, like my life is tainted. But what can I do? How can things get better? What would make me more happy? I have no answers. I just know I want desperately to be in better spirits, I want desperately to be genuinely happy, I want desperately to have real friends, people who really care about me surrounding me. Not the fakes.

I just want to cleanse everything. I want all to be pure and new, I want my baby to enter into a world where things are happy, nice and … not like this. But I just feel like I can’t, like I don’t know how to achieve any of this!

I don’t know.

Saying I’m alone could be a huge stretch, I do have family members, most of which are excited about my child .. but I’m not exactly close with my family because I’m not much like them and I don’t agree with how they see a lot of things. I think about some of their beliefs being put in my baby’s head and it scares the crap out of me. For instance it pisses me off that my mom is already being so prejudice and she doesn’t understand just how much it offends me when she says she hopes she doesn’t have a “white” grand baby. She hopes it looks a certain way, acts a certain, doesn’t acknowledge that not only is it black, it’s half-Italian too .. WTF?! The baby is half-white, that’s just a fact. And if it does come out looking more like Daddy than it does me what’s it matter? It’s still my child and still her grandchild.
Also she basically just wants to take my child away because she believes my whole lifestyle is just wrong and that I would fill my own child up with “foolishness”. Because I’m open-minded? Because I’m accepting of others? Because I’m fun-loving? Why? She never answers.

*As for my friends? Well, they can’t imagine what I’m going through so they can’t understand and have nothing to say. Therefore I have no one to talk to.

*My baby’s father is a loser meth-addict who never deserved me to begin with and doesn’t deserve our child, but at the same time he’s hurting us so much because my baby needs it’s father .. especially if it’s a little boy. I have no male role models for him. Why can’t he get his shit together? He got everything he wanted .. he got me pregnant and he’s tied to me forever now. So how can he not give a shit right now? Your wish came true and you don’t want to man up? What was the point? Why did you go through so much trouble to lie and impress me? Was it all just for the extra drama in your life? WTF, dude?!

*The fucking economy sucks. I’m self employed and lately work sucks when it used to be booming. I’ve been surviving off my savings which are dwindling. How can I raise a child in this? Right now I have nothing to give. I can barely afford to feed myself AND keep a roof over my head. How can I feed and house myself and my little kiddo too? Right now I’m working 2 jobs 24/7, just napping when I can trying to make ends meet ..

*I’m tired of people judging me and feeling sorry for me or like they’re better than me because I’m a single mom, alone and pregnant. I can’t even hold a conversation with a guy in a friendly way without him assuming I’m on the hunt for a replacement of a baby’s daddy. I have a baby, not a disease. Why is it assumed that I NEED a man? Why is it assumed I made all the wrong choices in life, that I have a MISTAKE growing inside of me and my life is just headed nowhere but down … like I’m a pity to be around.

*Lastly, I thought I had a man who understood it all. Someone who got me and was on a level with me like no one else was. I did something with him that I never do .. I fell inlove. He told me he wanted me, told me he wanted my baby which I asked him repeatedly not to say but he swore he meant it all. I gave myself to him and what did he do? He left me and broke my heart almost right away. Saying he wanted me and the baby only hurts because I feel lied to and used. Why did he do that? What was the point? I just can’t understand how he keeps talking to me now swearing he loves me so much, yet he no longer wants me. He wants me in the future, but he doesn’t want me now. Why not? What’s suddenly so wrong with me? It kills me because I can’t make sense of it.

How do I handle all of this? I don’t know. I still wake up every morning, my heart is still beating .. so I guess I’m making it. How long can I go on? I have no idea.

I’m trying to be strong and go on, I’m trying to see the brighter side. For short moments I connect with this little one inside of me and I break down crying. I want all the best, I want to be a great mom and so far everything is just so freaking lousy. So the night is darkest just before the dawn .. when will I see my dawn?

I can’t really be blamed too much. I’m only human. I’m a nice person who expects others be nice to me, never do I anticipate those I get along great with and grow close to and fond of to make me feel like shit but hey I learned that can happen.

I don’t have anything against men, but I’m sick of felling used by men. From Daddy to Thumper, to a random ex who crossed paths with me and pretended not to even remember me when there was no way he could forget me. You pile everything on at once and it’s like … wow what type of shitty person was I in a before life to deserve all of this?

I don’t and I hope to never go through it again for awhile. The walls are back up, and men aren’t a concern .. just my child. I’ve removed myself from any coed social networking site except for those aimed toward single parents. All I need is friends right now, people who understand and who I can talk to .. chat with, call up. I don’t need to accidentally fall inlove again.

…………………..

I had my Dr.’s appointment today and it was short. I didn’t get the bloodwork done cause they said next visit they wanna test the baby for disabilities through my blood .. I said I can’t handle that much back and back bloodwork so they said they would push it back just this last time. I’m off the hook though I just wanna get it over with.

This morning after I cried and had my mini break down, I managed to pull myself together and think about my kiddo. This little person in my tummy who needs me now. So I managed to calm down and lift my spirits enough to gain an appetite and eat a little. I didn’t feel like getting out of bed so I ordered an overpriced sucky ass sandwich lol.
I have to go to WalMart in a second and reclaim the items I did not get and then maybe when I come home I’ll fix a stew, drink lots of water and Gatorade, maybe do some Yoga. I really, really need to exercise. I feel like a fat, lazy tub of lard.

I redid the look of my blog. The last was too boring, but I just now was in the mood to do something else. I hope everyone likes it. I hope no one minds my music on the right. I decided when my moods shift I would change the songs according to what I feel like or what I’m listening too. Right now its a bunch of depressing shit mostly lol. Oh, but def check out “How Can We Hang on to a Dream” by Tim Hardin on there. Yes, it explains a lot of how I feel right now but its also one of my most favoritest songs in the whole wide world!

Well off to the store!

I honestly don’t remember the last time I cried so hard or much .. and no never with Daddy lol. I cried because I honestly fell inlove with Thumper and had a genuine feeling in my heart that he was someone special and we had something special. I’ve only loved one other person in my life, as typically I have up my guard and do not let people in, nor do I easily give up my love. Being away from him is hard for me too, but I was optimistic everything would work out due to our resources.

I guess I was wrong. Maybe I was a dumbass for letting someone in at a time in my life when I’m pretty vulnerable and the last thing I need is more heartache. But Thumper was a friend, I trusted him, and a feeling grew that was natural, inevitable and could not be helped.

I know technically we’re not exactly done and should be on a break. But, I feel like most likely we are. Mainly because I’m not sure if things can work out. Long distance relationships are hard and take a lot to work, so if he’s having doubt this early in, he’ll never make it with me. And perhaps I’d be better off to be single for awhile and just focus on my child.

It will be extremely hard to completely get rid of him. It’s already nearly devastating to imagine my life without Thumper as hes been a complete miracle to me and helped me through so much. He volunteered to still be there for me, but honestly I feel like I cannot allow that as it would be in my best interests to try to move on and not put myself in a position where I might cling.

Ugggh .. I swear sometimes I just wanna curl in a ball and vanish. My heart is sooo fuckin tired of … everything. My life is so out of control, and absolutely nothing is going my way. I just can’t get a break to be content and happy.

The others are unfortunately about Daddy. In some of them he calls me, in some of them he doesn’t. Either way I wake up hot, sweaty, and disappointed in the realization of my reality.

Ugh, I just want a break from thinking about him and the baby. It’s hard enough to take my mind off either for 5 minutes when I’m awake. Why must these thoughts transfer over to when I’m sleeping? Gosh, I miss my old life so much. I miss my thought train before last Monday. I was over the break up with Daddy, was going out with my friends and had really not a care in the world. Now I worry about and over-analyze/over-think everything.

When I fall asleep I have even started watching movies so I can concentrate on them and not my situation. Horror movies even … hell, I’d love to dream about Jason chasing me for once or Freddy sucking my brains out! Anything is better than dreaming about Daddy at this point, but no success! LOL! I guess real life nightmares are worse than regular nightmares.

Anyway .. arggh the cravings begin. I want pancakes, a bacon egg and cheese sandwich, hash browns and orange juice right now. NOMNOMNOMNOM. I think I’ll grab a bag of breakfast junk and go hang out with my mama for the day.

I’m still counting, still caring. How long is he going to ignore us? What’s he doing right now? Does he ever think of me and baby? If so what kind of thoughts cross his mind? Does he still talk about us? If he does what does he say?

Ugh .. why do you have to do this, Daddy? Do you have any idea how much you’re hurting me, killing me right now? What have I ever done to you to make you think I deserve this? For as long as I’ve known you I’ve been nothing but good to you! You tell me about people of your past who have done nothing but wrong you and you still speak to them regularly? What’s the worst I’ve done to you? Not be a bitch enough for you? Not try to kill you? Not cheat on you? Not steal from you? Act like an adult around you? And I deserve the silent treatment?

Maybe you need space, maybe you need to think. Ok, I’m giving you that. But how much are you gonna need before you decide I deserve an acknowledgment that you remember I exist?

Remember when I was at your house and I started crying when you said you think maybe we need an abortion? You comforted me, told me to calm down and that we didn’t have to get one and you’d be ok with that to. You told me not to cry or stress out so much because not only would it hurt me, not only would it hurt you but it would hurt our little one. So why are you purposely stressing me out right now? Are you hoping that it will hurt the little one? Or are you just hoping that it hurts me?

I didn’t ask to be pregnant I’m sorry. If I could go back and change time we would’ve worn a condom that night so I could’ve forgotten about you long ago. But I can’t change time and I am carrying your baby. I have to deal with it. Why can’t you? Don’t you realize we will never go away? Remember when you said no matter what decision we make it effects you too? That’s still valid you know .. so why isn’t this effecting you?

Sigh.

I’ve come to accept that I am pregnant and I am having the baby. It’s just hard to accept that you’re doing this to me. How many more tears am I going to have to cry because of you?

Please just throw me a bone here. Am I going to have to start praying? Asking God for a miracle just so you pick up the phone and dial me to ask about your kid? A miracle just for you to tell me “Ok” you realize that you will be a father in July. To tell me “Yeah, Ok, baby can have my last name. Yeah, Ok, I will spend an hour or two with it on the weekends or every other weekend”

That’s all I fuckin want from you. Why is this so hard?