It wasn’t until December after staying with Daddy for 2 weeks up until Christmas that I realized this wasn’t going to work. That I was the only one trying and he wasn’t going to change. He wasn’t going to give up drugs, he wasn’t going to consistently treat me the way I deserve, he wasn’t going to adjust to being a father beyond “YAY! A BABY!”

One night we fought. He yelled at me. He called me an idiot, he called me a whore, he called me a dirty nigger (he’s white), and he tried to make me feel like I was the most worthless thing he’s ever fucked. To top everything off he threatened that since I wanna fuck shit up by talking up for myself and disagreeing with his lifestyle, he said that once my son is born and he has proof that he is the father that I would never see my son again. And it would be my fault.

It was then that I decided me and Jakobe would never be back. I never wanted to see him again. I realized once and for all that I would LOVE to be a single mother to my child, rather than be with him and allowing him, this monster, to actively be around and influencing the baby.

……………………….

Since that message yesterday and since I responded I feel so haunted by him. Yes I have thought about him every day. Not in a stressful way, but that I just wish things didn’t have to be the way they are and what if they were different. Now I feel so disturbed and, for some reason, scared.

I’m starting to have those nightmares that I had at the beginning of my pregnancy where he would get in my face and degrade me in the worst of ways and then at some point start beating me. In some dreams he even tries to kill me. Then as the dream climaxes he always kidnaps my son. I see his back turned to me fleeing in a hurry from wherever we are. I’m laying there crying my eyes out and pleading with him to give me my baby. I’m trying to hold on to whatever physical strength I have left to get up from the ground and chase after him to wrestle my son back, but I can’t.
My son looks back at me with so much fear in his eyes. He’s only a few months old, but he reaches out to me. Once he realizes that he’s getting further and further away from me he starts crying … fainter .. fainter … then he and his cries disappear.
Every single time it’s the same thing, different scenarios. Even before I knew I was having a boy.
Every single time I wake up at this moment drenched in sweat. My heart is racing, I’m on the verge of tears. I scream out “JAKOBE!” and look around frantically for my son until I realize he’s still safe in my body, close to me. I feel dizzy and collapse back on the bed.

Why do I have these dreams? Please God don’t let this ever happen.

1) I gained 15 lbs in 1 month. 15 LBS IN ONE MONTH!!! I was actually a bit ashamed and embarrassed when the nurse gasped in horror as I stepped on the scale. Wow, I’m hungry I’m sorry. I don’t feel that much fatter though. Bigger? Yes. Fatter? No.
My mom really gave it to me nonstop yesterday. “Go on a diet, Bridgette” “Cut back and stop eating so much, Bridgette.” I’m sick of hearing that crap. It’s not like I haven’t considered alternative options already, but I have a fricken human being growing inside of me for cripes sake. Give me a break.

2) I have been having a problem with (tmi) vaginal cramping and really bad pain down there. I get occasional spotting and droplets of blood. It’s hard for me to move around because I feel like I already had my son and I’m so sore to walk. Doc ordered me an emergency ultrasound and visit in 2 weeks. He told me to come in early if the pain gets worse. Argh. Damn damn damn. I was hoping all of this would be smooth sailing. I’m scared as hell now.

3) My blood pressure is up. Doc told me whatever is upsetting me in life to let it go. To lay back in bed, to rest, to not move around much, and to let every thing go. Ok …. I’ll try. I’m trying. I’m not going to lie that things are much more stressful now that I’m worrying if me and my Jacky-poo are OK.

…………………………………..

Speaking of, my friend, S, just called me a few minutes ago. He was so negative to me for some reason. First I referred to my son as Jack to him. He quickly interrupted me and said “Jack? Seriously? That’s the dumbest fucking name ever”.
Ok, we had just had a conversation that his baby’s mom named his son Tagan out of spite which wasn’t the name they picked together. He hates that name and is bitter. Ok, fine. I let it go.

Next topic I mentioned to him how I’m trying to keep my blood pressure down because my doctor ordered it. He quickly said “Well don’t be talkin to Daddy. Don’t be callin him and fighting with him.”

Me: “I don’t talk to him. We don’t call each other and you know that. He’s not a problem to me right now.”
S: “Well that’s because he doesn’t care. He probably won’t even be at the hospital.”
Me: “Maybe he does care, maybe he doesn’t care. The only thing that matters is that I don’t care and I don’t want him there”
S: “Well if he cared about you and the baby he’d call you so obviously he doesn’t. I hate my baby’s mom because she’s an atrocious bitch but at least I care and will be there for my son”

Wow. What’s the point in that? Why was he even trying to go there with me? I wanted badly to just flat out say “Yes you may call and check up on your son, but you have yet to meet him since he has been born over a week ago. You were too busy worrying about whether or not you should fuck this girl that all of your other friends have fucked and how it would make you look if you did than how you would make the trip to see your boy. Also, remember when he was born you called me and the first thing you said was ‘Unfortunately the baby and his mom made it through the surgery OK. I was kinda hoping one of them might die to be honest‘. Who says that even jokingly about their own child?
You haven’t given up the multitude of drugs you brag about taking every day to be a better role model for your son and you haven’t gotten a job in years to help provide for him. You live with your parents so you can’t even give him a home. But at least you call right?”

But I didn’t. Blood pressure down. Meditate. Happy thoughts. Everything zen!.

I simply said “My son does not need a drug addict in his life who is not able to set an example for him. One who will be in and out, up and down and unable to provide for him. My son needs me. I love him and will do anything for him.

S: Subject change.

Yeaaah buddy.

All that anger I was feeling towards Thumper and myself last night has magically vanished in a quick snap. How? I have decided to channel that anger towards something worthwhile: starting over. And that task is more stressful and takes much more of my energy than any relationship drama.

First thing on my list? Redecorating my apartment. I hate the way it looks now. It now bores me and reminds me too much of my old life as a pink-loving single woman. As it looks now it reminds me of the not so great things happened here. Be gone. Out with the old life, in with the new life.

Yuck. I’m basically getting rid of everything you see there and turning it into a whole new colorful, contemporary and more sophisticated pad. Lots of bright, vibrant colors that won’t only represent me, but will be welcoming to the new man in my life. This is very exciting for me because I get a chance to let my creative juices flow and turn my apartment into a canvas again! The inner artist in my is rejoicing.

I have so many ideas and I can’t wait until all is complete and I can share my finished product with the world.

Then one guy walks up to me standing out from the rest of the crowd and calmly says to me “Hey, did you know that Thumper got with her and she even has a kid? He said he broke up with you because you’re going to have one. But you know what? It’s not your baby and never was, its you! You’re a failure! You suck! NO MAN WANTS TO COMMIT TO YOU!”

Then they all begin to laugh at me and throw things at me. I fall to my knees weeping hysterically, pictures of Thumper and his new girl smiling happy circle around me. All the jerks I’ve ever dated appear and join in the laughing. I wake up in a sweaty panic on the verge of tears.

Now this dream means two things to me. One of Thumper’s friends likes to rub it in my face that he and I are not together anymore. He always cites Thumper as a “pimp” and brags that he gets so many girls, basically hinting to me that he’s moved on. I wouldn’t expect Thumper not to have moved on, but it still hurts to hear things like that (but I think that’s the friend’s intention.) And as much as it stings me to hear I never show it. I smile graciously and ignore it. I know that he’s always hated the fact that Thumper and I were getting close since day one which I believe to be jealousy since he is the guy we met through. But add on the fact that Thumper has pulled away from me completely, no more check up phone calls, no texts, and I never see him online anymore which all leads me to believe he’s avoiding me … for some reason it kills me. I thought I had moved on. Yes, I still have feeling for him, but I was finally able to accept we were no more and start moving forward. Now I have the overwhelming urge to cling. I want him to call and tell me he still loves me and cares about me and that every thing is OK. Gah.

The second thing that the dream means to me are the words “You are a failure. You suck. NO MAN WANTS TO COMMIT TO YOU!” have been resounding over and over in my head since I “heard” them. The last part I’m wondering if it holds some truth. I’ve had one serious boyfriend and our relationship lasted 4 years, others a few months. I’ve dated some guys who were jerks, some who were not. But nothing lasted. Sometimes it was purely physical, other times they just seemed to get bored (and to my credit I’ve called off a few myself) .. and then there was Thumper. Thumper is a whole different ballgame.

I’ve taken a look at myself many times before and I wonder “Is it me? Do I suck? Am I a failure? Am I boring? Unattractive? Do I give too much? Do I not give enough? Am I too nice? Should I be a bitch?” I don’t have an answer for myself, but there are many times in my life when I do wonder if one of the above apply to me.

Or on the other hand, is it just them?

I want an answer! It drives me crazy I suppose simply because I’m a romantic at heart. I just want MY happily ever after someday, and I want the slightest glimmer of hope that YES some day I will get it. Not right now or asap, but someday. I want hope that I’m not being delusional and fooling myself when I’m destined for a lifetime of loneliness.

In the one I had last night he was playing a Saw-like “hide and seek” game with me after he kidnapped our kid and I was devastated. Never have I woken up so relieved and happy to have my baby safe and happy in my belly right close to me.

……………
I talked to my mom yesterday about what happened Saturday. She doesn’t understand what she said wrong so she refuses to apologize but she insists that despite saying “That poor baby doesn’t have a chance in hell with you as it’s mother and the father it ended up with” that she didn’t mean it that I’m a bad mother, just that I give the baby no chance at being healthy and growing up decent …. Ummm .. isn’t that the exact same thing just worded differently?

Whatever.

My little baby means the world to me. It’s the reason I do almost anything these days because I want to give it a good life, I want it to be comfortable and happy. And it will be! I want to be a great mommy, and I will be!

The others are unfortunately about Daddy. In some of them he calls me, in some of them he doesn’t. Either way I wake up hot, sweaty, and disappointed in the realization of my reality.

Ugh, I just want a break from thinking about him and the baby. It’s hard enough to take my mind off either for 5 minutes when I’m awake. Why must these thoughts transfer over to when I’m sleeping? Gosh, I miss my old life so much. I miss my thought train before last Monday. I was over the break up with Daddy, was going out with my friends and had really not a care in the world. Now I worry about and over-analyze/over-think everything.

When I fall asleep I have even started watching movies so I can concentrate on them and not my situation. Horror movies even … hell, I’d love to dream about Jason chasing me for once or Freddy sucking my brains out! Anything is better than dreaming about Daddy at this point, but no success! LOL! I guess real life nightmares are worse than regular nightmares.

Anyway .. arggh the cravings begin. I want pancakes, a bacon egg and cheese sandwich, hash browns and orange juice right now. NOMNOMNOMNOM. I think I’ll grab a bag of breakfast junk and go hang out with my mama for the day.