Thanks!
Mandy

Answer: Mandy – first of all I want to say you are a great friend for researching ways to help your friend out through this highly emotional time of her life. The only thing I can say is be a shoulder she can cry on and a listening ear for her to vent her pain. Whenever possible do things to help her take her mind off things .. go to the movies, shopping, whatever she finds fun.

That’s about all my friends were able to do for me that help, like most painful things it in life, this too takes time to heal. I was broken my whole pregnancy and much of the first few months after I had the baby. To be honest I was never my same self after it all. In some ways I’m stronger. I learned some life lessons, I have a beautiful, brilliant little boy, and there are remnants of the old me … but but overall I’m a fucked up person. Kinda like being traumatized. I’m now bipolar and need medication to get through most days. My son’s father and I are close now and I still get angry and lash out on him about the past. I don’t know when I will ever stop feeling this way and I’m not sure if this outcome would have been avoidable or not.
It may be beneficial to suggest her some professional therapy to help out. Maybe some other single moms will read this and comment more helpful tips for your situation.

Good luck and best wishes to your friend.

On the 5th, my last entry I wrote about being concerned about labor being around the corner. That morning I lost my mucus plug at around 1 am and after that I randomly (TMI) got the poops like crazy. I knew something was up because my body was obviously starting to clean itsself out.

Around 6 am I started getting what felt like period pains. I always heard contractions were stomach pains, plus for about half of my pregnancy I had vaginal pains and aches so I ruled out anything going on .. that was until I realized they were coming and going in intervals!

I called my mom and told her that something was happening and by the time she got here they were getting pretty strong so we went to the hospital t around 9 am. When I got there the nurses confirmed that they were indeed contractions but I wasn’t dilated so they sent me home. Arrrgh.

By the time we got home I was practically screaming every time they came on, but I took their Ambien pill and held it off for about 8 hours. I really couldn’t sleep and omfg they were hurting like crazy so we said fuck it and went back into the hospital at around midnight. Dilated or not they were at least going to drug me up!

I got back to the hospital and they agreed to take me in and hook me up to an IV. When I first came back I was only dilated to about a 2 the nurse insisted that I get pain medication and my epidural going which freaked me out because I heard so many horror stories that women started their epis before about 6 and ran out. The nure assured me that they had plenty for me and if I ran out they’d give me a refill so I agreed.

4 am they hooked me up to the epi and omg it was amazing. Plus I was high as a kite from the pain meds and really able to relax at this point. I still felt some pressure and the contractions coming on so I called the nurse and told her something wasn’t working. She checked me and said I was fully dilated and the baby was already crowning!

Long story short, my doctor was still on vacation so they scrambled to find me one to deliver me and it ended up being my old OBGYN! By the time he got there Jack was pretty much hanging out so they told me I only needed to push once and within 5 minutes, 2 pushes later on July 6 at 7 am (3 days early) I had my baby!

He’s so amazing and so beautiful (ignore me in that pic I look like crap!). I love being a mom although it’s hard doing this alone and I can tell it’s going to be a long journey! I’m lucky that I got a pretty easy labor despite all my worries, but I did suffer one gnarly rip So I’m pretty exhausted and cripple from that plus all the other post partum pains, but my little man is so worth it. I would do this whole journey all over again just to have him!

BTW OMFG he looks 100% like his daddy it’s so outrageous LOL. People are always looking at me like I kidnapped a white baby lol but nope! He’s ALL mine.

I’ll update more later. Little man is finally sleeping so its time to get my nap in! Thanks so much everyone for the support throughout all of this! I appreciate you all so much!

I’m having hope for my body. Jack Jack is so low that I feel like he’s going to fall out of me, I’ve started to lose my mucus plug and my body has been cleaning itsself out. Plus I’ve had a surge of energy and been going through the whole nesting stage. I’ve never experienced one contraction though. At least not to my knowledge.

Keep your fingers crossed for me! Thanks for everyone’s tips in the last post as well. I’ve been trying them.

Yeah life is miserable right now. I’m huge, uncomfortable and in so much pain. I’m also sad that my belly suddenly produced stretch marks that go all that way up underneath my tits Fuck you body. Whyyyy?? At least one good thing is happening and that’s my skin is clearing up the dryness and pregnancy mask which relieves me since I was so afraid it would not go away.

Now back to waiting! Just wanted to update.

Doctor checked my cervix and I’ve made no progress at all. Cervix is thick and clamped absolutely no dialation. Grrr. More than that he said my blood pressure is up and if things don’t get better next appointment they may start considering a csection. Damn damn damn. I know I used to want a Csection but I’m so afraid of them now. I guess because I’ve conditioned myself to get used to the idea of vaginal births.

Anyway, when my doctor checked me he irritated my cervix I suppose. It hurt SO bad and I’ve been bleeding like mad with these horrible cramps. Why do these fuckers have to be so rough some times?! Sometimes I feel like they think just because you’ve had sex or are about to have a baby they can be rough and you can take it. YOU HOAR! Haha.

I want to get out of the house today. Going to do some grocery shopping, maybe visit my aunt and then come home and finish redecorating.

Anyway I went to breastfeeding and birth classes this week. They have been .. interesting. I learned a lot in breast, but it’s a bit intimidating to me because I feel like I just won’t do it right. How to get the baby to latch on, how to position him correctly .. I just feel like I will fuck up or that my boobs are shaped too weird or too big for him to feed off of. I’m really excited about breastfeeding so I hope I don’t fail my son!

In birth we learned basically what most of us probably already knew .. such has to expect pain, that our vaginas are going to stretch out .. yada yada. The showed us a 30 minute video of several women going through the 3 stages or labor, including of course the birth. A few people flipped out at the head crowning and popping out including the lady next to me. I swore she was going to faint because she kept saying “OMG OMG OMG! I can’t do this EWW OMG!” and hyperventilating. She kinda threw a small fit and left the room then came back a little more recollected. Poor gal. Personally I was laughing my ass off because the woman in the video took a peak down there as the head was coming out and saw that her baby was covered in white in blood and she exclaimed “OMG! THAT DOESN’T LOOK LIKE A BABY! WHAT IS IT?”

Hilarious.

It was a little uncomfortable being in the birth class with my mom as my partner. Of course there were several other couples there .. maybe about 15 and they were all husband and wife or boyfriend and girlfriend. Naturally being around two people who conceived a baby together and witnessing them be so happy and inlove made me feel a little out of place and uncomfortable. But I sucked it up and took it in stride. In all it wasn’t too bad. None of them looked at me funny or treated me weird and not too many of them threw their happiness and excitement in my face. So that was cool.
Honestly though say things did work out with me and Daddy and he were supportive .. Sure I would have him in the room come delivery but I would still want my mom to be my support person. I mean ever since the moment I was born she was the person I always cried to when I was scared or in some sort of pain and she was always the person who made it all better. Naturally I’d feel more comfortable having her. Too bad she doesn’t really want to be. She says the whole thing is too overwhelming and frightening for her.

…………………..

Moving on .. Monday morning I turned in my notice that I would be moving. I was hella pumped and hella excited that it was finally time for me and Jack to start our lives together fresh in a new place, that was until after I had signed the leave agreement the management lady told me the rent on 1 bedrooms had gone up $100. I thought “Hmm well I will just find something else” but then during my search I became overwhelmed and stressed out. I realied what a bad idea it is for me to worry about having a baby AND moving at the same time when I would rather just concentrate on one or the other. So the baby it is. Me and Jack will be making do in our small studio apartment for the next 9-12 months. I’m being optimistic about it. I think it will work out. Jut need to change a bit around.

It’s not hard to see why I was so into him. He made his move on me at a perfect time. I was hurt and vulnerable over the reality that my dreams were not going to come true with Daddy. I was not going to have a perfect family, with a perfect, loving mother and father joined with a perfect baby. I was not going to be Mrs. Cleaver 2009. And I was accepting that. No, I wasn’t looking for immediate love nor was I looking for a immediate replacement father for my child, but I was looking for a friend. Someone I could confine in and talk to about everything. Someone who would listen and uunderstand. Someone who would comfort me and wipe away me tears.He was there.
He was amazing and he was my rock. He would comfort me, support me and he made me see the good in every thing. Not only that he made me feel beautiful, he made me feel special. He was a guy who was there caring for me when other guys were running because they expect the worst from pregnant chicks. How could I have not fallen inlove with him? That all makes sense. He was perfect. But not really.

All of this .. all I’ve went through with men in the past and present, everything I’ve witnessed and learned about relationships .. it all inspires me to work harder to be an excellent mom. I have a little man who I am in charge of raising. What type of man he will be solely relies on me and I refuse to fail. I refuse to add on to the asshole population. I refuse to have a poor girl 18 years from now feel the way I do by actions of my boy. It’s just not going to happen.

Not to this perfect little boy who is my strength. This perfect little boy who is the reason I’m living right now and look forward to life. The perfect little boy who is the reason I’m up at 5:13 working when I’d rather be sleeping.

And from this moment on I push forward leaving back the past, but not forgetting what it has taught me. From this moment on I push forward not only for myself but for my perfect baby boy.