Jack is pretty much doing everything now except walking independently and it’s blowing my mind. It’s like one day he could hardly crawl all that well and that next he was crawling, climbing, standing and taking steps when holding on to surfaces. I think it was because of the exersaucer and jumperoo he received as early Christmas presents. They really seemed to up his confidence in standing/walking and built up strength in his legs. According to his doctor he’s very advanced for his age because he’s doing things typically a 9 month old would be doing. I’m so very proud, but it has it’s drawbacks as well. For one I hate that he’s impossible to change and bathe because he wants to move around so much which really frustrates me lately. Especially since more and more often he’s been getting up the back poops .. every parents nightmare.

For two, I get no sleep because I have to wake up about 50 times a night to check on him since he’s crawled off the bed more times than I’d like to count while we sleep. I’m giving up cosleeping now and purchased him a crib.

I was going to participate in Ms. Single Mama’s “New Year, New Leaf Challenge”. I wrote up a few things I want to change this upcoming year, but I never got the time to finish writing it all out so it’s sitting as a draft that I will probably post eventually even though I’m now too late to officially enter. Working more diligently is one of the things I want to do this year. I had to face it: I’m in debt. Ever since I had my boy I don’t really work much and everything I bought for him had to be charged. My credit cards have reached a balance of $3k in total. Which isn’t horrible compared to most people but that’s more than I want to owe anyone. I’ve cut them up and vow to live off cold cash or debit now.
To keep up with this vow, I had to empty out my savings account over the weekend to buy my son a bed. barricading no longer works because he can climb over anything. So now we have no savings it’s completely do or die in order to survive.

I hope by the summer to have the debt paid off and hopefully a little savings built back up.

….

So I got noticed over the weekend that we finally have court with Daddy later this month. I don’t know how to feel about that. Part of me is happy to be moving forward in this child support case, the other part of me is nervous as hell to see him. It’s been over a year now and with all I’ve learned about him the past month. But I honestly don’t know how this would work out being that he’s in jail right now. He probably won’t even be there.

…..

One other thing I want to change is my cooking habits .. typically I don’t cook and I’m embarrassed to admit I still haven’t lost the baby weight. I bought a bunch of groceries and I’m going to cook them up and learn new recipes on the way. I’m putting myself on a low carb-ish diet because of how sedentary I am and I bought myself a Wii for Christmas that I will only buy interactive games for. I’m loving DDR!

Ok this is a start to my updates. I gotta run now to get things done while little man is sleeping.

By Sunday night I was hospitalized and it turned out I my appendix was about to explode, plus I had an ovarian cyst so I had to get those bad boys removed. All my life I dreaded surgery but I guess with modern technology it’s not that bad. I have two unnoticeable stomach incisions and one c-section incision. I’ve been healing without pain meds. I was released Christmas Eve and spent time over my moms with my son. Christmas was just us 3 being snowed in her cozy apartment. I have to say that she drove me absolutely batshit insane after living with her a month and my son was picking up too many bad habits such staying up until midnight, wanting to be held at all times, throwing a fit when he doesn’t get his way .. all of which my mom catered to. No ma’am Miss Pam! so I pleaded to come home and here we are.

It’s so nice be home again, just the two of us. It’s still a little difficult to take care of him and he’s such a big crier and whiner now, but hopefully we can both be back to normal within a week or so.

I bought Ryan Gosling’s band (Dead Man’s Bones) debut album and I really love it. It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside because it reminds me a lot of my childhood with the doowop sound and children choir singing about all these spooky things. It’s quite festive for the reason and reminds me of how excited I got as a kid (hell I still do). I honestly can’t wait until my boy is old enough to really appreciate this holiday so I can go all out for him. Decorations, costumes, pumpkin carving, fall treats .. and music like this. I did get him a little costume. I will take pics of him in it later. He will be a ghost. Original right?

I’m not sure if I’m going anywhere, but if I do I will be Lady Gaga from the Paparazzi video. So excited to dress up like her.

What are you and your children going to be?

ETA: I just realized it’s been exactly one year today since I’ve been with my boy. I would have gotten pregnant this morning!

Me and Jack doin our make up and reveling in our insane beauty :p ..

Nope, nothing of substance to add here!

Well what do you know … lol

He brought up more interesting things:

1) I would be disappointed and heartbroken THIS year, but it will not be a problem I can’t overcome .. it will just be hard for me to emotionally.
2) I will do great financially. Me and my “unknown child” will be very happy and comfortable.
3) A man will come back in my life wanting a second chance and I should give it to him because it will work out for the best this time around.
4) I will fear court, legal documents and physical harm but not to worry because everything is in my favor and none of this will come to be. Things are going to work out on their own.
5) I will have my true love and reason to celebrate within 18 months (from last June)
5) When this mystery man comes back we’re going to have a lot of amazing sex. I should forgive him and enjoy it.

OWWW!!! Holy shit my future life is amazing. When the fuck does all the good stuff start?!

We talked more about other boring things which he was right about as well .. eventually. Now I’m curious to see how the rest of his prediction goes!

Has anyone else ever had a psychic reading? How did it go? Did truth come of it or was it mostly bogus?

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.
I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for
us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you’ve got to know when people’s part in your story is over so that you don’t keep trying to raise the dead.
You’ve got to know when it’s dead.

You’ve got to know when it’s over. Let me tell you something. I’ve got the gift of good-bye. It’s the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It’s not that I’m hateful, it’s that I’m faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He’ll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don’t need it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn’t belong to you and was never intended for your life,

then you need to……

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ……

LET IT GO!!!

If someone can’t treat you right, love you back, and
see your worth…..

LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you .

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge……

LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction……

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents

LET IT GO!!!

If you! u have a bad attitude…….

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better……

LET IT GO!!!

If you’re stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him……..

LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship…….

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won’t even try to help themselves……

LET IT GO!!!

If you’re feeling depressed and stressed ……….

LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying ‘take your hands off of it,’ then you need to……

LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2009!!!

LET IT GO!!!

Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then .

LET IT GO!!!

I had woke up from a afternoon nap and called my mom. She told me she was on the other line and would call me right back. 3 minutes later my phone rang and assuming it was Mommy without looking at the caller ID I picked up and heard a male voice on the other end. It was S. Here is how the conversation went:

S: Hey! What’s up?
Me: Oh hi .. not too much how are you?
S: I’m good. You done had that baby yet?
Me: No …
S: Oh because I have this really cool friend .. he’s a black guy and I told him you would be interested in meeting him. I was wondering if you would come over today.
Me: Why would you tell him that? I rarely even talk to you anymore …
S: Yeah well you know he was asking me if I knew any girls who are cool because he’s .. you know .. lookin to get some .. so I thought you would be interested. But he prefers that you have your baby first.
Me: Why would you volunteer me for some shit like that? What would make you think that I’m that type of girl that you can just offer me up as a sex hole to some skanky ass dude?
S: I dunno … I just thought you guys would hit it off.
Me: Absolutely not and I can’t believe you would call me with this shit.
S: My bad. No big deal .. he’s pretty crazy anyway.

FUCKIN ASSHOLE! I’m beyond pissed and offended. This is a guy I’ve known for 8 years. We used to be pretty fuckin tight as youngsters. He used to be like a brother to me and now this is what he does? He pimps me out to some skeezy ass “crazy” dude offering me as a sex object? When I’m a responsible, mature woman who is now a mother and this is the level he wants to bring me down to? His level? FUCK THAT SHIT! If that dude is horny he can use his damn hand. Don’t bring me and my son into this.

And not only that I hung up with him and about an hour later I got a call on my number from a “Demarco” according to my caller ID so I have no doubt this bitch, S has already given dude my number.

STOP TRYING TO PULL ME INTO YOUR SHITTY LIFE! ME NOR MY BABY WANT ANY PART OF YOU DAMMIT! MORE SO DON’T EVER TRY TO DEGRADE ME LIKE THIS AGAIN!

That’s my rant Uggh. I have so much I want to say, but I’m speechless and don’t even know where to start. And I know I cuss a lot when I get upset lol.

Now I’m going back to drawing up a “blueprint” of how I’m going to redecorate my studio to suit me and baby. I have some great ideas and I can’t wait until everything falls into place!

Anyway I went to breastfeeding and birth classes this week. They have been .. interesting. I learned a lot in breast, but it’s a bit intimidating to me because I feel like I just won’t do it right. How to get the baby to latch on, how to position him correctly .. I just feel like I will fuck up or that my boobs are shaped too weird or too big for him to feed off of. I’m really excited about breastfeeding so I hope I don’t fail my son!

In birth we learned basically what most of us probably already knew .. such has to expect pain, that our vaginas are going to stretch out .. yada yada. The showed us a 30 minute video of several women going through the 3 stages or labor, including of course the birth. A few people flipped out at the head crowning and popping out including the lady next to me. I swore she was going to faint because she kept saying “OMG OMG OMG! I can’t do this EWW OMG!” and hyperventilating. She kinda threw a small fit and left the room then came back a little more recollected. Poor gal. Personally I was laughing my ass off because the woman in the video took a peak down there as the head was coming out and saw that her baby was covered in white in blood and she exclaimed “OMG! THAT DOESN’T LOOK LIKE A BABY! WHAT IS IT?”

Hilarious.

It was a little uncomfortable being in the birth class with my mom as my partner. Of course there were several other couples there .. maybe about 15 and they were all husband and wife or boyfriend and girlfriend. Naturally being around two people who conceived a baby together and witnessing them be so happy and inlove made me feel a little out of place and uncomfortable. But I sucked it up and took it in stride. In all it wasn’t too bad. None of them looked at me funny or treated me weird and not too many of them threw their happiness and excitement in my face. So that was cool.
Honestly though say things did work out with me and Daddy and he were supportive .. Sure I would have him in the room come delivery but I would still want my mom to be my support person. I mean ever since the moment I was born she was the person I always cried to when I was scared or in some sort of pain and she was always the person who made it all better. Naturally I’d feel more comfortable having her. Too bad she doesn’t really want to be. She says the whole thing is too overwhelming and frightening for her.

…………………..

Moving on .. Monday morning I turned in my notice that I would be moving. I was hella pumped and hella excited that it was finally time for me and Jack to start our lives together fresh in a new place, that was until after I had signed the leave agreement the management lady told me the rent on 1 bedrooms had gone up $100. I thought “Hmm well I will just find something else” but then during my search I became overwhelmed and stressed out. I realied what a bad idea it is for me to worry about having a baby AND moving at the same time when I would rather just concentrate on one or the other. So the baby it is. Me and Jack will be making do in our small studio apartment for the next 9-12 months. I’m being optimistic about it. I think it will work out. Jut need to change a bit around.

-Gown
-Robe
-Slippers
-Socks
-2 pairs of sweats
-2 T-shirts
-Dress to wear home
-Granny panties
-Nursing bra and pads
-Soap
-Deodorant
-Toothpaste/brush
-Sanitary pads
-Dvds
-Books
-MP3 player
-Outfits for Jack
-Blankets for both of us
-Sleep pillow and Boppy pillow

I think that should be every thing. Start my breast feeding class tonight and Birth on the 4th. Phew everything is starting to get busy now.

Now I’m off to braid my hair – final hairstyle until after the baby gets here! Then go to bed.

It’s not hard to see why I was so into him. He made his move on me at a perfect time. I was hurt and vulnerable over the reality that my dreams were not going to come true with Daddy. I was not going to have a perfect family, with a perfect, loving mother and father joined with a perfect baby. I was not going to be Mrs. Cleaver 2009. And I was accepting that. No, I wasn’t looking for immediate love nor was I looking for a immediate replacement father for my child, but I was looking for a friend. Someone I could confine in and talk to about everything. Someone who would listen and uunderstand. Someone who would comfort me and wipe away me tears.He was there.
He was amazing and he was my rock. He would comfort me, support me and he made me see the good in every thing. Not only that he made me feel beautiful, he made me feel special. He was a guy who was there caring for me when other guys were running because they expect the worst from pregnant chicks. How could I have not fallen inlove with him? That all makes sense. He was perfect. But not really.

All of this .. all I’ve went through with men in the past and present, everything I’ve witnessed and learned about relationships .. it all inspires me to work harder to be an excellent mom. I have a little man who I am in charge of raising. What type of man he will be solely relies on me and I refuse to fail. I refuse to add on to the asshole population. I refuse to have a poor girl 18 years from now feel the way I do by actions of my boy. It’s just not going to happen.

Not to this perfect little boy who is my strength. This perfect little boy who is the reason I’m living right now and look forward to life. The perfect little boy who is the reason I’m up at 5:13 working when I’d rather be sleeping.

And from this moment on I push forward leaving back the past, but not forgetting what it has taught me. From this moment on I push forward not only for myself but for my perfect baby boy.