Things have been going pretty well my son is 2.5 now. Can you believe it? I can’t! He talks sooooooooooooo much now! Within the past week or so his vocabulary has increased about 2x what it had before. He’s such a bigga man and so smart.

I haven’t talked to Daddy much lately because of school and me not having time. We went to see him in September I think. “Hey check this out”, he said looking around to see if any guards were near or watching us before he rolled up the sleeves on his periwinkle button up shirt. Across his arm in big, bold, blue letters it read JAKOBE, our son’s name. His very first prison tattoo. He looked at it and our son proudly. “Do you like it?” He asked. I don’t know what to think. I guess its flattering but prison tats are so gross, though admittedly this was well done for what it was. He’s been trying as much as he can. Christmas cards and a $50 gift card to buy toys. Still it feels like we’re not doing enough. Jack has been sorta forgetting him. He has to take a minute to remember his face when he sees pictures then he’s like “Oh that’s my daddy!” Prison relationships of any kind, especially when there are children involved FREAKIN SUCK!

But this is a never ending story. At least 3 days a week I sit defeated and bummed out reflecting on things I’ve lost because of my busy, curious toddler.

This fucking sucks.

I don’t know what to do with myself because I feel like I’m not handling it well. I’m doing well on all of my assignments so far, BUT I’m so behind financially because it’s been so difficult to find time to put hours into work and just part time aint cutting it anyway. After rent and electricity being paid I’m currently -$200 in my checking account, my savings have been wiped out and my credit cards are all maxed. I just don’t know what I’m gonna do. I have no money for credit card payments, no money to pay my bills, no money for a daycare copayment. The weather is getting pretty cool and all of my son’s pants are high waters but I have no money to buy him anything new. Fuck. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I have a military check coming in hopefully a week or two but it will only be $200. Just enough to get me out of a deficit. I have a financial aid grant refund but my school so nicely decided at this moment in time to go “green” so we have to be issued credit cards and have the money transferred onto those. Who knows when the credit cards will come and the balance transferred.

I’m fucking drowning and don’t know what to do. I’ve already sold all of my stuff to keep afloat before when we have struggled in the past, so I have nothing but the bare minimum right now.
Daddy called me and I completely broke down over the phone with him. I could tell he felt horrible and was panicing for us inside, but he remained calm and talked me down and did all he could to make me laugh. He told me not to worry one bit and that he would fix things and take good care of us, which I guess means he will try to get his dad to send us money or he’s gonna send me his book money. I don’t know. I do know I don’t want his book money. We have food at least, without his books he won’t be able to eat or buy his necessities, so although I appreciate his gesture he can keep that. I’d rather find a way than him starve. Nevertheless, he did a good job of pepping me up, but I’m still stressing.

However, the most shocking part for me was when he wrote her back. She didn’t have her glasses, so when the mail came she brought the letter over and asked me if I would like to read it aloud to her and I did. He thanked her, he talked about his love for Jack, what life is like in prison, then at the end of the letter he began telling her how much he loves me, how I’m everything he’s ever wanted in a woman, how blessed he is to still have me in his life and how he feels he can’t live without me .. and then came the shocker … he said he would like to propose and he asked for her permission to marry me. This is news to me. I had no idea, so I guess apparently I was not supposed to read the letter. Yowzers!

Wow. I’m just completely floored. I don’t know what to think or say. Jack and I are supposed to go visit in a couple of weeks and I’m wondering if that’s when he will do it. Just .. wow. Wow. I have no speech right now.

Now what our schedule is actually gonna be, I’m not sure. But I do know I gotta get this place picked up. The mess is becoming suffocating.

And I should probably find ways to do things he might enjoy. Its too hot to play outside, but I’ll come up with something. Preferably indoors and cheap/free considering I’m not making any money these days. Any suggestions?

And today I’m going to cook our meals whether he likes it or not our food is going to be served from the kitchen. And I’ll try to challenge myself to keep it up for the rest of the week and weekend.

- its one of the hottest summers ever in Oklahoma yet they send him outside about 4 times a day. I don’t feel comfortable with that. Once in the early morning should be enough. They need to find other ways to entertain the children inside. What about arts and crafts or something? They NEVER send him home with any of that
- Speaking of .. why was it that every other child had a fathers day card (granted it was cheap with pencil scribbles on it. Where are the crayons? Markers? Paints?) but my son didn’t? They offered no explanation? Is it because they never physically see Jack’s father? He didn’t NEED to make one? What?
- Every time I pick him up he’s missing something. Shoes, socks, blankets. It makes no fucking sense. Why can’t they keep up with his shit? They have to go outside everyday and search for his belongings which they will find in the sand somewhere. But why didn’t anyone notice before? Are they not watching him? They’re letting him run around outside barefoot? Huh?
- THE TEACHERS CANNOT SPEAK ENGLISH! I have no problem with the fact that people from other countries come here and need work. Fine, whatever. I do have a problem with the fact that they are caring for my child, yet have no way to communicate with me or him. They don’t understand me, he doesn’t understand them. It’s not fair to the children (that don’t speak Spanish. a couple of them do) and I’m sure confuses them. I never get any kind of report from them besides “Yes, Yes, It’s ok. Baby very good”
- They don’t watch the children or keep them very safe. One day they were having story time with a handful of the children actually in the story circle. My son was climbing furniture which they were noticeably ignoring until I got there then the teacher called from across the room “JACK! GET DOWN!” meanwhile another little boy was hiding behind the diaper station playing with a spray bottle mixed with chemicals. They had no idea and something bad could have happened had I not ran and grabbed the little boy on my way out.
- the teacher asked me for alternate ways to discipline him when he hits and acts aggressive. Uh no. You don’t have permission to discipline my son beyond telling him no hitting and separating him and the child as they cool off. Seems to me when they discipline him they do so by not giving him a snack but making him watch the other children eat since the day in question every other child had been served cookies and milk, but my son was sitting there with an empty plate and his cup was in his cubby hole. It didn’t occur to me until after we left “Hey. Why didn’t my son have a snack?”

I tried to tough it out hoping they’d improve, but I’m just not comfortable sending my baby here anymore, but that puts me in a bad situation because I have nowhere to send him. It took me long enough to find this one which I thought was decent, so I really have no where else to look.

UPDATE: So I pulled him out this same day. The director practically begged us to stay and said she’d keep a spot open if we wanna take a break and return and that he’d be in a new class. I guess if nothing else works that may be an option. I’d rather not .. but no one else has openings and I’m determined to go back to school in August! I hate this part!

Today I took him to the doctors office for an appointment and I almost forgot how I had been avoiding the pediatric the past few months: my son doesn’t know how to act while we wait. As soon as he managed to get away from me he took off running all around the building, under chairs, bumping into folks into the lab room, knocking over medical equipment, throwing chairs and magazines. I was so embarrassed. There had to be about 40 adults and children waiting as well and everyone just stared at me as I ran around like a helpless dog trying to chase a hare.
I finally grabbed him up and carried him into the children’s waiting room where a man was waiting with his sick son. My son went crazy pulling the limp noodle act when he figured out he had to sit. I fucking hate the limp noodle routine because I have to continue dragging him around nearly yanking his arm out of socket.
I grabbed him and held him tightly in my lap as he squirmed, screamed, spit at me and started slapping me. I got him to calm down for about 10 minutes by playing a cartoon on my phone but when it was over he threw my cell phone across the floor and started running around again when I got up to pick it up and while he was running he went over to the man, stood on the chair next to him and leaped ontop of the man and into his lap. OMG I felt so humiliated! I grabbed my son and apologized to the man and his son and AGAIN he managed to run away. I chased him down and as we were making our way back I noticed that the man and his son left the children’s waiting room and were sitting in the larger one. It was obvious that they no longer wanted to be around me and my son and I don’t blame them That made me feel terrible.

Some other things that happened throughout the day:

- While the doctor was trying to look in his ears, Jack ripped off Doc’s glasses and threw them across the room.
- When I took him to school after the appointment the first thing he did was punch a little boy in the face, then grab a little girl by her dress and start dragging her across the floor, punching her in the back of the head while she screamed in horror
-When I brought him back home I was trying to carry up his box of diapers that had been delivered up to our apartment. My hands were full so I could not hold JAck’s hand. He took the opportunity to make a break for it and run in traffic and towards a pond totally screaming in laughter while I chased after him. Horrified residents looked on, some probably laughing. It’s all a game to him
- I won’t even get into how he acts at home. I will say it’s not better than how he acts in public. I’ll even post pictures of what he does to our apartment.

Ugh, I’m just venting that I can’t take this anymore. I don’t understand why he acts like this. Is it normal? I feel like I’m failing as a parent because I don’t know how to correct it. Time outs don’t work. Spankings don’t work. Stern talking to’s don’t work. There’s only so much I can do ya know? I fear more than terrible twos what if it’s mental? Both his dad and I are bipolar, but obviously his dad is more fucked up than I am. He’s explained to me before that he’s acted up and caused lots of trouble all his life and has always been pretty terrible tempered. Our son already acts so much like him. I just don’t wanna deal with this See I knew single parenting would be hard and I knew there would be tantrums, but when every day is like today I feel like I’m not cut out for it.

Friends with boyfriends, friends out of town, friends with other friends, friends with potential boyfriends .. I’ve found myself to be the odd one out this NYE. With such short notice there’s not much I can do to change it, so in a hurry I am trying to do all I can to make the best of it. With my son, or without my son that is the question.

Going into this new year I’ve realized I really need to tweak some things in my life because in 2011 the last thing I want to do is look back and realize I’m still in the same place. I’m still unhappy.