Damn, damn, damnit.

Whatever! I am not that bad guy here! I will not give in!

LOL

Things have been going pretty well my son is 2.5 now. Can you believe it? I can’t! He talks sooooooooooooo much now! Within the past week or so his vocabulary has increased about 2x what it had before. He’s such a bigga man and so smart.

I haven’t talked to Daddy much lately because of school and me not having time. We went to see him in September I think. “Hey check this out”, he said looking around to see if any guards were near or watching us before he rolled up the sleeves on his periwinkle button up shirt. Across his arm in big, bold, blue letters it read JAKOBE, our son’s name. His very first prison tattoo. He looked at it and our son proudly. “Do you like it?” He asked. I don’t know what to think. I guess its flattering but prison tats are so gross, though admittedly this was well done for what it was. He’s been trying as much as he can. Christmas cards and a $50 gift card to buy toys. Still it feels like we’re not doing enough. Jack has been sorta forgetting him. He has to take a minute to remember his face when he sees pictures then he’s like “Oh that’s my daddy!” Prison relationships of any kind, especially when there are children involved FREAKIN SUCK!

But this is a never ending story. At least 3 days a week I sit defeated and bummed out reflecting on things I’ve lost because of my busy, curious toddler.

This fucking sucks.

I don’t know what to do with myself because I feel like I’m not handling it well. I’m doing well on all of my assignments so far, BUT I’m so behind financially because it’s been so difficult to find time to put hours into work and just part time aint cutting it anyway. After rent and electricity being paid I’m currently -$200 in my checking account, my savings have been wiped out and my credit cards are all maxed. I just don’t know what I’m gonna do. I have no money for credit card payments, no money to pay my bills, no money for a daycare copayment. The weather is getting pretty cool and all of my son’s pants are high waters but I have no money to buy him anything new. Fuck. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I have a military check coming in hopefully a week or two but it will only be $200. Just enough to get me out of a deficit. I have a financial aid grant refund but my school so nicely decided at this moment in time to go “green” so we have to be issued credit cards and have the money transferred onto those. Who knows when the credit cards will come and the balance transferred.

I’m fucking drowning and don’t know what to do. I’ve already sold all of my stuff to keep afloat before when we have struggled in the past, so I have nothing but the bare minimum right now.
Daddy called me and I completely broke down over the phone with him. I could tell he felt horrible and was panicing for us inside, but he remained calm and talked me down and did all he could to make me laugh. He told me not to worry one bit and that he would fix things and take good care of us, which I guess means he will try to get his dad to send us money or he’s gonna send me his book money. I don’t know. I do know I don’t want his book money. We have food at least, without his books he won’t be able to eat or buy his necessities, so although I appreciate his gesture he can keep that. I’d rather find a way than him starve. Nevertheless, he did a good job of pepping me up, but I’m still stressing.

However, the most shocking part for me was when he wrote her back. She didn’t have her glasses, so when the mail came she brought the letter over and asked me if I would like to read it aloud to her and I did. He thanked her, he talked about his love for Jack, what life is like in prison, then at the end of the letter he began telling her how much he loves me, how I’m everything he’s ever wanted in a woman, how blessed he is to still have me in his life and how he feels he can’t live without me .. and then came the shocker … he said he would like to propose and he asked for her permission to marry me. This is news to me. I had no idea, so I guess apparently I was not supposed to read the letter. Yowzers!

Wow. I’m just completely floored. I don’t know what to think or say. Jack and I are supposed to go visit in a couple of weeks and I’m wondering if that’s when he will do it. Just .. wow. Wow. I have no speech right now.

My mom let it be known that she’s very unhappy with the fact that I’m involved with my son’s dad as well as his family. He’s so grumpy and bitter especially now that he and I are closer romantically, as friends and as co-parents. She said he does not deserve it. He was not there in the beginning.

Prison is really the best thing that could have happened to us. He’s clean now which has made a huge difference in who he is as a person. He’s not the same druggy asshole who lived day to day on a diet of meth, pills and marijuana. Clean Daddy is actually a pretty cool, laid-back, funny, smart and interesting guy. Furthermore, prison has allowed us to sit down and really talk and get to know one another no distractions. We realized over time that we have more in common and get along better than we did before. We are very dear friends. He tries to be as good a dad as possible to our son. Our son loves him and talks about “Daddy” constantly. This past year and change has been calm for us. But because he wasn’t there that first year am I to never forgive him and forever hold a grudge? If he’s still around when Jack is, say, 5 he will have been around 4 years to his absence of 1 year. Do I blow off those 4 and continue holding the 1 over his head?

I just don’t get it. That’s now how I live my life. Our past is ugly, yes. But I’m truly over that part of my life by now. 2 years have passed. My mom is such a miserable person and I wish she wouldn’t live her life like that either. Forever a cynic, pessimistic. I also think it’s a case of jealousy and possessiveness. She feels because she’s been around Jack is HER’S. Fact of the matter he is half mine, half Daddy’s. He’s as much Daddy’s parent’s as he is her’s and so on.

This is really just a rant. I’m getting sick of her eyes rolls and snide remarks each time either Jack or I talk about his dad.

Thanks!
Mandy

Answer: Mandy – first of all I want to say you are a great friend for researching ways to help your friend out through this highly emotional time of her life. The only thing I can say is be a shoulder she can cry on and a listening ear for her to vent her pain. Whenever possible do things to help her take her mind off things .. go to the movies, shopping, whatever she finds fun.

That’s about all my friends were able to do for me that help, like most painful things it in life, this too takes time to heal. I was broken my whole pregnancy and much of the first few months after I had the baby. To be honest I was never my same self after it all. In some ways I’m stronger. I learned some life lessons, I have a beautiful, brilliant little boy, and there are remnants of the old me … but but overall I’m a fucked up person. Kinda like being traumatized. I’m now bipolar and need medication to get through most days. My son’s father and I are close now and I still get angry and lash out on him about the past. I don’t know when I will ever stop feeling this way and I’m not sure if this outcome would have been avoidable or not.
It may be beneficial to suggest her some professional therapy to help out. Maybe some other single moms will read this and comment more helpful tips for your situation.

Good luck and best wishes to your friend.

Bridgette