Bored, Lazy Stay at Home Mom
Posted on | July 14, 2011 | 9 Comments
I woke up today and had an epiphany. I realized how important it is for me to get a routine while I’m stuck being a SAHM because I can’t go on living like this anymore! Nothing gets done around here. The place quickly becomes a mess, I usually get irritated with Jack because I don’t get much of a break. He’s going through a phase where needs to always be up under me and do whatever I’m doing (which turns into what HE wants to do or else I won’t hear the end of the whining and crying), which is fine – to an extent. Great! I love him too .. but sometimes I just need him to leave me the hell alone and be quiet for like 30 minutes so I can have a moment to myself. But then, funny, when I do have a moment to myself I usually sit in boredom or try to go sleep as much as possible which is rare because Jack does not nap much anymore. So if I neither sit nor sleep, I eat to entertain myself which causes me to bloat and stall on my Weight Watchers routine. Worse than just eating all of the time I find myself rarely cooking any meals because its “funner” to go out and buy something. It gives me a reason to leave the house for a moment. My child eats chicken nuggets and fries nearly everyday and I feel horrible about it health wise and financially. It’s just a nightmare all around. Things need to change.
Now what our schedule is actually gonna be, I’m not sure. But I do know I gotta get this place picked up. The mess is becoming suffocating.
And I should probably find ways to do things he might enjoy. Its too hot to play outside, but I’ll come up with something. Preferably indoors and cheap/free considering I’m not making any money these days. Any suggestions?
And today I’m going to cook our meals whether he likes it or not our food is going to be served from the kitchen. And I’ll try to challenge myself to keep it up for the rest of the week and weekend.
Temptation of Prison Love
Posted on | July 12, 2011 | 2 Comments
So this weekend my son and I went to go visit Daddy for the third time since my son has been born and also since Daddy has been in prison, and we did so to celebrate my sons 2nd birthday as a “family”.
Admittedly I had been a bit excited for this and I felt some sort of unexplained anxiousness about seeing his face. It’s always still a little awkward to be around him because subconsciously my guard shoots up when he’s around. I just remember always having to be on edge around him, so I get a little nervous, but excited too. It feels like some sort of milestone for us to even be here.
Prison visits aren’t as horrible as most people think they are, at least not at his facility. We arrive at 8:30 am and wait in line. We go through metal detector, get frisked in a non-invasive manner, then we get sniffed by the drug dog and we’re free to go back into the visiting room and see him.
My insides tingled when I saw him walk into the room, looking a bit different than I remembered. His face more worn, more mature than it was 3 years ago. His light green eyes looked like those that have seen a lot of things, he’s stressed. His slicked mouse brown hair was thinning. In some ways he looked worse than I remembered, but in some ways he was still so handsome. Maybe it was the fact that he looked healthy and fuller. He’s been eating and working out, not surviving on drugs like he used to. And he still walked and conducted himself with swagger and confidence.
Of course it could also be that in my eyes there’s nothing in the world more attractive than seeing his face light up and spread into a smile as he ran over to our son to give him a big hug. “Hey Chunkers!” he exclaimed. “It’s Daddy! Do you recognize me?”
That’s what I feel like I’ve waited 2 years of my life to see. And each time I witness him do it it reminds me of everything I used to wish for.
Jack never seems to know how to react. He will go into Daddy’s arms, but for the first 10 minutes or so he refuses to look at him he also refuses to call him “Daddy” to his face. Daddy’s face falls from excitement to disappointed. “Aren’t you even gonna look at me, baby?” he asked squeezing Jack a little tighter. No Jack is not. I’m not sure why that is.
Daddy then turns his attention to me. He smiles, his eyes warm. “Hey” he says freeing an arm to put around my shoulder. “He smells like gel” is my first thought. “Its a relief to feel his body” is my second thought. “Hi”, I smile back. There’s an awkwardness between us, but at the same time there’s still some automatic attraction.
The visit went fine. We spent time inside eating lunch, making small talk and playing games with Jack. I took note of the fact that being around Daddy now feels much different than it used to. I feel I can relax and be myself which I used to not be able to do. Before he was always so cold and only looked at me with annoyance and hatred in his eyes. Even during sex there was very little connection to me, I could’ve been anyone in his bed. He didn’t give a fuck.
Now his demeanor is different. He continued to smile warmly at me and look at me with “interest”, like he actually wanted to be around me and like he cared about what I had to say. Things have been this way for awhile, but it still takes some getting used to. I kinda felt I was sitting next to a stranger.
Jack is happy and playful. Daddy does all the work for me: they play together, he holds him, he chases him, he wrassles him when he acts up. He see’s what I have to put up with without him. This is my time to relax and I don’t feel guilty about it. I’m actually amused when he collapses in a chair, exasperated from chasing a loose toddler around the room he thinks it’s funny to duck and weave and run away from his parents. “Ok”, he huffs and puffs. “Your turn please”.
As the visit went on Daddy started to open up to me and emerge out of his disguised shyness. At random times he would reach out and gently brush my shoulders and arms with his finger tips. Our eyes would meet and silently do the flirting for us. As noted, there was some sort of attraction and chemistry growing between us which is no surprise since I’ve been aware that he now has feelings for me.
Towards the end of the visit we decided we would take Jack outside to the playground to run around for a little bit. As we watched him we stood close talking and innocently flirting. We talked about Jack, we talked about his stint in prison, we talked of this and that and it seems a force guided us, he slipped his arm around my waist, simultaneously we turned to one another and without hesitation he leaned down to kiss me, full on open mouth kissed me .. and I’m not even gonna lie it was amazing. His lips were so soft, his tongue was so gentle and he tasted so sweet. I felt like a little girl with butterflies and all.
He pulled back and smiled looking into my eyes “I love you, Bridgette”.
“I love you too” slipped from my tongue. We kissed once more and split up to play with Jack.
*sigh* I feel so tempestuous. I still have no idea where we stand. Admittedly I have feelings for the man, I never stopped. Yes I do love him, but the situation is incredibly complicated. Part of me wants to be with him badly, the other part of me knows I deserve a man who is free, that I can see anytime, talk to, touch how I want, not have to be pegged down with charges with. I just don’t know.
Daycare Issues .. AGAIN!
Posted on | June 20, 2011 | 5 Comments
I’m running out of suitable options for day cares to send my son. The ones he’s at now just isn’t cutting it. I like the fact that they have webcam system so I can watch him from home while I work, but that’s about the only positive thing I can say about it. Oh man where do I begin? So much has been bugging me the past couple of weeks
- its one of the hottest summers ever in Oklahoma yet they send him outside about 4 times a day. I don’t feel comfortable with that. Once in the early morning should be enough. They need to find other ways to entertain the children inside. What about arts and crafts or something? They NEVER send him home with any of that
- Speaking of .. why was it that every other child had a fathers day card (granted it was cheap with pencil scribbles on it. Where are the crayons? Markers? Paints?) but my son didn’t? They offered no explanation? Is it because they never physically see Jack’s father? He didn’t NEED to make one? What?
- Every time I pick him up he’s missing something. Shoes, socks, blankets. It makes no fucking sense. Why can’t they keep up with his shit? They have to go outside everyday and search for his belongings which they will find in the sand somewhere. But why didn’t anyone notice before? Are they not watching him? They’re letting him run around outside barefoot? Huh?
- THE TEACHERS CANNOT SPEAK ENGLISH! I have no problem with the fact that people from other countries come here and need work. Fine, whatever. I do have a problem with the fact that they are caring for my child, yet have no way to communicate with me or him. They don’t understand me, he doesn’t understand them. It’s not fair to the children (that don’t speak Spanish. a couple of them do) and I’m sure confuses them. I never get any kind of report from them besides “Yes, Yes, It’s ok. Baby very good”
- They don’t watch the children or keep them very safe. One day they were having story time with a handful of the children actually in the story circle. My son was climbing furniture which they were noticeably ignoring until I got there then the teacher called from across the room “JACK! GET DOWN!” meanwhile another little boy was hiding behind the diaper station playing with a spray bottle mixed with chemicals. They had no idea and something bad could have happened had I not ran and grabbed the little boy on my way out.
- the teacher asked me for alternate ways to discipline him when he hits and acts aggressive. Uh no. You don’t have permission to discipline my son beyond telling him no hitting and separating him and the child as they cool off. Seems to me when they discipline him they do so by not giving him a snack but making him watch the other children eat since the day in question every other child had been served cookies and milk, but my son was sitting there with an empty plate and his cup was in his cubby hole. It didn’t occur to me until after we left “Hey. Why didn’t my son have a snack?”
I tried to tough it out hoping they’d improve, but I’m just not comfortable sending my baby here anymore, but that puts me in a bad situation because I have nowhere to send him. It took me long enough to find this one which I thought was decent, so I really have no where else to look.
UPDATE: So I pulled him out this same day. The director practically begged us to stay and said she’d keep a spot open if we wanna take a break and return and that he’d be in a new class. I guess if nothing else works that may be an option. I’d rather not .. but no one else has openings and I’m determined to go back to school in August! I hate this part!
Terrible Twos and the Single Mama
Posted on | May 18, 2011 | 15 Comments
Terrible Twos is the understatement of the century when describing my son’s behavior lately. He’s an absolutely NIGHTMARE. An embarrassment. It’s almost humorous how strangers go from being like “Wow what a cute little boy” to giving me looks of pity and disbelief. I swear I cannot take him anywhere! He makes me look like a fool.
Today I took him to the doctors office for an appointment and I almost forgot how I had been avoiding the pediatric the past few months: my son doesn’t know how to act while we wait. As soon as he managed to get away from me he took off running all around the building, under chairs, bumping into folks into the lab room, knocking over medical equipment, throwing chairs and magazines. I was so embarrassed. There had to be about 40 adults and children waiting as well and everyone just stared at me as I ran around like a helpless dog trying to chase a hare.
I finally grabbed him up and carried him into the children’s waiting room where a man was waiting with his sick son. My son went crazy pulling the limp noodle act when he figured out he had to sit. I fucking hate the limp noodle routine because I have to continue dragging him around nearly yanking his arm out of socket.
I grabbed him and held him tightly in my lap as he squirmed, screamed, spit at me and started slapping me. I got him to calm down for about 10 minutes by playing a cartoon on my phone but when it was over he threw my cell phone across the floor and started running around again when I got up to pick it up and while he was running he went over to the man, stood on the chair next to him and leaped ontop of the man and into his lap. OMG I felt so humiliated! I grabbed my son and apologized to the man and his son and AGAIN he managed to run away. I chased him down and as we were making our way back I noticed that the man and his son left the children’s waiting room and were sitting in the larger one. It was obvious that they no longer wanted to be around me and my son and I don’t blame them 
That made me feel terrible.
Some other things that happened throughout the day:
- While the doctor was trying to look in his ears, Jack ripped off Doc’s glasses and threw them across the room.
- When I took him to school after the appointment the first thing he did was punch a little boy in the face, then grab a little girl by her dress and start dragging her across the floor, punching her in the back of the head while she screamed in horror
-When I brought him back home I was trying to carry up his box of diapers that had been delivered up to our apartment. My hands were full so I could not hold JAck’s hand. He took the opportunity to make a break for it and run in traffic and towards a pond totally screaming in laughter while I chased after him. Horrified residents looked on, some probably laughing. It’s all a game to him
- I won’t even get into how he acts at home. I will say it’s not better than how he acts in public. I’ll even post pictures of what he does to our apartment.
Ugh, I’m just venting that I can’t take this anymore. I don’t understand why he acts like this. Is it normal? I feel like I’m failing as a parent because I don’t know how to correct it. Time outs don’t work. Spankings don’t work. Stern talking to’s don’t work. There’s only so much I can do ya know? I fear more than terrible twos what if it’s mental? Both his dad and I are bipolar, but obviously his dad is more fucked up than I am. He’s explained to me before that he’s acted up and caused lots of trouble all his life and has always been pretty terrible tempered. Our son already acts so much like him. I just don’t wanna deal with this See I knew single parenting would be hard and I knew there would be tantrums, but when every day is like today I feel like I’m not cut out for it.
Tags: embarassing child behavior > frustration > toddler behavior
Prison Dad
Posted on | April 3, 2011 | 6 Comments
Remember how I used to always post that I wish my son’s dad would come around, make things work and be there for our son?
So why is it that him being there now, and all on me growing feelings for me makes me wanna push away? It’s so uncomfortable.
We’ve been on decent terms for a year now and he’s met our son once when I took him to visit. Have I mentioned that? The whole situation is so awkward and I have yet to develop a trust in him. I mean as a dad I think he’s trying as best as he can to support me and keep up with our son. How do you parent from prison?
But our relationship is soo … I don’t even now how to describe it. I’m very guarded from him and I’m not interested in prison romance.
Yeah this post is very random, but I’m sitting here in boredom reading his most recent letters and it got me thinking about the old days. How I used to wish and wish and wish and here things are not at all like I had wanted them to be. In many ways.
Unhappy New Years
Posted on | December 30, 2010 | 2 Comments
I kinda hate this time of year because it is so hard being alone and reminds me that I’m in the exact same spot I was in the year before, the year before, the year before …
Friends with boyfriends, friends out of town, friends with other friends, friends with potential boyfriends .. I’ve found myself to be the odd one out this NYE. With such short notice there’s not much I can do to change it, so in a hurry I am trying to do all I can to make the best of it. With my son, or without my son that is the question.
Going into this new year I’ve realized I really need to tweak some things in my life because in 2011 the last thing I want to do is look back and realize I’m still in the same place. I’m still unhappy.
Been a Long Time
Posted on | December 2, 2010 | 1 Comment
It’s been so long since I’ve written here that I don’t even know where to begin anymore. I’ve kinda fallen out of the blogging mood and mindset. Sure life has had it’s interesting twists and turns but I just haven’t felt like transcribing them into text form. But I’m not going to give up on this blog, and I really shouldn’t go any longer without updating it. I’m going to try the best I can to update regularly again. There’s definitely no shortage of single mama drama going on here lately haha.
All is Well
Posted on | March 25, 2010 | 11 Comments
I can’t believe it’s been so long since I’ve updated. I’ve been so busy going going going lately. Things are going well! My baby is 8 months now and growing so fast. He started standing independently about 3 weeks ago and Sunday he took his first steps! I honestly could not be more proud of him. He makes my life.
He is currently in daycare which has been freeing up a little bit of time for me to work and this month it has paid off. I’ve done really well and am trying to get back on my feet. I had been planning to move into a nice, larger apartment in a different complex once my lease was up in August, but yesterday the apartment manager called me and told me the city is expanding the freeway next to my apartment and that they are tearing out our parking lot and would be working directly infront of my place. So to compensate for this she offered me a larger, newly renovated apartment for the same rate I’m paying on my studio and also free moving and moving equipment that she would arrange for me. I just have to be out of the studio by Monday and I have to sign a year long lease on the new place. I was looking forward to moving away from here, but I honestly think that’s an offer I can’t pass up. It’s an upgrade and very little financial responsibility on me to get the move off. So I save moving costs and about $200 a month on rent that I was planning on paying. This complex is not my fave because some neighbors are annoying and some units are infested with roaches .. but I can’t really complain. I just hope I have decent neighbors and little or no pests.
« go back — keep looking »
