Holidays and Baby
Posted on | November 29, 2009 | 3 Comments
I haven’t been online much at all the past week or two because my mom has had this new obsession with me with me and my son spending the night at her house. She will actually plead for us to which makes me feel bad saying no. I guess she’s really lonely or something .. or she’s afraid because she thinks my apartment is haunted. I kinda do too but that’s another story.
Thanksgiving was really nice .. I was so happy to be spending it with my son for the first time ever .. but all the same these holidays are kinda rough. Everyone loves the new baby you know so they fuss over him and pass him around a lot. There are so many faces he isn’t used to and so many loud voices that he was so overwhelmed. Odd thing is when he’s around people he doesn’t know he doesn’t cry. When he has had enough of a particular situation he kinda gets this worried look on his face and he might groan a little, yet he’s too concerned with what’s going on that he won’t eat or sleep either. I took him home that night, just us two, and he really let me have it. All of that pent up frustration .. I never heard him cry so hard!
One more to go! I think we will be having a big Christmas dinner as well.
Speaking of I don’t know what to get for my son .. I mean Christmas came pretty early this ear because last month I bought him a Baby Einstein tunnel, this past week I bought him $200 worth of winter clothes and toys. Plus he doesn’t even know the difference.
He can crawl now, he’s sitting up independently, he can roll, switch directions and push up on his toes when he’s on his hands and knees. He’s mostly obsessed with trying to stand, walk and jump .. so I really wanna get him a Jumperoo but I have a cross fear of him not wanting to play with it .. and also my aunts or cousins buying him one. A couple of them have said they want to get him one or a walker (which btw I don’t want and keep trying to drop hints not to get we have carpet!) .. so either way if I get one now I fear I will waste money.
Oh yeah .. a random thought .. one thing thats currently REALLY bugging me when I let him stay with other people is how cute everyone thinks it is that my son is entranced with television so they will sit right there close infront of it with him for as long as possible and just let him stare. At first I didn’t mind if it was occasional and only for a minute or two but now it’s starting to chap my ass because I feel it’s the making of a bad habit. I don’t watch TV myself and I don’t wanna raise my son to watch tv either. I mean there are so many other better things to do than just sit there for hours .. so this is another habit I’m going to have to get my relatives to break.
The same applies to me. Lately I feel bored and like I need to be intellectually stimulated somehow because I don’t feel I’ve been learning much of anything. I think in Jan I will go back to school if I can.
Anyway, this entry is all over the place and pretty random but I just wanted to catch up. I’m going back to bed now.
UPDATE on “Sitter Abuse”
Posted on | November 18, 2009 | 2 Comments
So I got my son back this morning and out of precaution I checked him over and he seems fine. Nothing out of the ordinary, no bruises or punctures and he still seems like a happy baby which is good. I feel relief.
I will go on and assume nothing horrible happened to him while at my aunts, but I will also assume my uncle did fuck with him in some way or another since he said he did. Even if it was just tickling him or making noises to wake him up that’s not acceptable. He’s just a baby who needs his rest. So he will no longer go over there unsupervised.
Some of you may wonder why I let him go over there when I said I was unsure of if I trusted them .. the thing is, as a mom, I don’t really trust anyone with my son but myself because I know no one loves him the way I do. While he’s away I wonder what all could possibly happen accidental or not that I have no control over since I’m not there. There are also many cases where you may think you know and trust someone, but then they do horrible things to people for some reason or another that you never thought they would be capable of doing. No one knows another person 100% probably for the simple fact that none of us read minds to know what all goes on through a person’s head.
Sometimes it’s hard to decipher where I’m being paranoid or where I’m feeling valid motherly instincts. In this particular instance these were not just strangers I dropped him off at. They are people I’ve known all of my life, and while my aunt did weird things to me as a child she never full on abused me sexually or otherwise. My uncle was always uninvolved so at the time I felt he would be OK in their care. He very well could still possibly be. This all could be a misunderstanding and I may be overreacting, but because I AM a good parent and I DO care about my son I have made the decision not to put him in that situation again.
Sitter Abuse
Posted on | November 17, 2009 | 9 Comments
My mom kept my son last night and since I was tired she asked me if I would be OK with her taking my son over to my aunt’s house before she went to work so I could rest and because my aunt has been dying to watch my boy. I told her I suppose that would be OK and my son stayed with them (her and her husband) for about 8 hours until I came and picked him up.
My aunt always weirds me out kinda with my son. She’s always obsessed with changing his diaper and wanting to give him baths. This has never sat well with me because I always thought it was stange she wanted to do that so often, but I never really said anything cause I thought maybe she just wanted to help out.
Anyway, what that has to do with anything is my mom just called me and told me my other aunt went over there to visit and my aunts husband told her that while my son was asleep he was messing with him and did things to wake him up. Either he didn’t say what or my aunt didn’t tell my mom what, but now I have a very bad feeling. When I went to go get him I already had a bad feeling because I’ve never been sure if I trust them a lot or not. Now I’m wondering what the hell were they doing to my baby?
Thinking back when I was a little kid .. up until I was about 7 this same aunt used to always try to stick her boobs in my mouth and tell me to suck her milk out even though she’s never had kids before. Like seriously whip her boobs out and rub them on my face and try to get them in my mouth. Sometimes she’d bite and suck on me in a sexualish manner on my neck. It weirded me out as a kid but my mom told me not to worry about it because it’s just my aunt being silly and since it’s been stopped for so many years I’ve kinda forgotten about it, but hell no is that going to go on with my son.
I’m pissed now and feel so bad that I didn’t think of this and let him over there. I don’t know what else to do except not let them see him anymore.
“Rape”
Posted on | November 9, 2009 | 10 Comments
I’ve been meaning to do better at updating. Really. I have. I’m not dead and I love keeping this blog up. I guess really my life as a single mom .. and well my life period has been uninteresting. Life consists of nothing more than work, sleep, baby.
I’m so proud of Jack. He can can sit up all his own now, but he can’t actually sit up for too long. He’s rolling, he’s trying to crawl although it frustrates him. He’d much rather attempt to walk.
I’m worried about him. We definitely need a bigger apartment so I can get him a crib. I think he’s rolled out of the bed a total of 4 or 5 times with me. My mom called me up all nervous to say he rolled out with her. I mean no one lets him do it on purpose but he’s just so busy and impossible to sleep with anymore. If he hits the wall he will turn himself around and keep rolling until he goes off the foot of the bed. Uggh .. I don’t want him to get hurt! I’m not sure what to do with no space.
Anyway child support has been moving along fantastically. I assume they’ve sent out the notices. Daddy has been sending me emails saying in one sentence he has no money to pay for CS so its not fair I filed, and in the next claiming I raped him to set him up because he doesn’t remember me or ever sleeping with me. He says he vaguely remembers falling asleep while being in my presence and that I’ll never get away with this. Mmm sure baby. Guess that’s why you were all in my face saying you missed fucking me a couple months ago, huh?
Gotta love him.
ETA: I’ve been doing a worse job at keeping up this blog than I thought! Damn damn damn. I forgot to mention before that about 3-4 weeks ago Child Support had been stalling with my case and when I would call them to get answers Customer Service would claim that the hold up was that they couldn’t find Daddy even though I gave them his exact address that he had given me and no explanation as to why that was.
I got frustrated with that after hearing it for 2 months and ontop of that they were acting like I was a pain in the ass for calling them. I decided that I would write a letter to the governor to get something done and before I sent it off I like Child Support know I was going to. That same day a man called me from the Child Support office apologizing profusely and told me that he went over my case file and the hold up was that for some bullshit nonexistent reason they wrote me down as non-cooperative and put my case on hold. Finding Daddy wasn’t an issue, they found him months before. He told me he would take off my “non-coop” title and put my case as top priority to get things moving along and he would send out the letter to Daddy to let him know he was being sued for Child Support and the steps to move forward.
Glad to see he kept good on his word. Daddy got the letter and seems to be flipping his lid. I think it’s funny he actually thought I wouldn’t do this. That he could get off scotch free and not be held accountable for anything AGAIN. Nope, baby. You’re a 27 year old (sorry excuse for a) man. Time to finally step up and be responsible for something you’ve done.
Tough
Posted on | October 29, 2009 | 7 Comments
Life’s been a little tough and hectic lately. I’m honestly overworked and overtired .. both from being a mom and from working period. I hate being thrown into a financial bind. I’m doing everything I can to keep the roof over my sons head and then with Christmas coming too? Fuck.
Sleep? What’s that?
Stress? I’ve got plenty. I woke up yesterday feeling like I had gotten hit by a bus. I was shaking and I could not even get out of bed to get my baby a bottle. I had absolutely no strength. I had to call my mom to come get him while I nourished myself with food and sleep. No thinking of work. I feel a million times better now.
Sad though cause Halloween is my absolute favorite holiday. I was so excited for it this year but now I don’t even feel like doing anything.
My son is all over the place. He’s rolling, crawling, trying to stand. And being adorable. I know I promised I wouldn’t pimp him out, but I couldn’t help it .. I enrolled him in the BabyGap Model contest. Wish him luck! I don’t care much if he even wins the grand prize, but winning the semi finals would be such an honor.
I desperately want to move. We’ve SO outgrown this apartment. I can’t even keep it clean because there’s no where to put things.
Why is it that lately I’ve been so terribly bitter at his father? I don’t know why really since we haven’t talked since I mentioned the baby’s SCT .. if you call that talking. I think of him and my stomach turns. I want to spit in his face. I’m tired of being bitter over him. I’m tired of him ruining my life of happiness. I’m doing all I can to move on, but damn that’s hard.
This entry is all over place, sorry. I have to go now, just wanted to update 
Dead Man’s Bones
Posted on | October 20, 2009 | 3 Comments
I’m still here. Just not much time to blog because I spend every waking moment either with my boy or scheming up ways to make money and executing them. I have like 4 jobs right now ..lol. I did get fired from the one I mentioned BUT I’m not too worried about it. I was more like a “paid hobby” than a job because I was sending texts out and only getting paid 3-10 cents for them. Nothing significant. The funny thing was the guy who fired me was trying to be all uppity and snippy about it like I was dumped from a prestigious position. LOL .. K.
I bought Ryan Gosling’s band (Dead Man’s Bones) debut album and I really love it. It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside because it reminds me a lot of my childhood with the doowop sound and children choir singing about all these spooky things. It’s quite festive for the reason and reminds me of how excited I got as a kid (hell I still do). I honestly can’t wait until my boy is old enough to really appreciate this holiday so I can go all out for him. Decorations, costumes, pumpkin carving, fall treats .. and music like this. I did get him a little costume. I will take pics of him in it later. He will be a ghost. Original right?
I’m not sure if I’m going anywhere, but if I do I will be Lady Gaga from the Paparazzi video. So excited to dress up like her.
What are you and your children going to be?
ETA: I just realized it’s been exactly one year today since I’ve been with my boy. I would have gotten pregnant this morning!
Stuck at Medium
Posted on | October 14, 2009 | 1 Comment
My writing has kinda dropped off. I’ve been overwhelmingly busy with new work projects.
I don’t have too much to say. My son has been crying nonstop again and we’re not sure why. The doctor saw him today and he’s not sure why either. He told me to go on and put him on cereal to see if maybe its tummy pains and if it improves. So yay! Today is Jack’s first day on rice. So far so good.
A bit of good news: I got a call with some positive news about my child support case .. but I won’t go into details of that until it actually plays out.
A bit of bad news (because it seems there ALWAYS has to be bad news to follow any good news. I feel like lately I’ve been stuck at a medium, not allowed to be completely happy or completely sad) is that I’ve been so tired lately .. I was driving yesterday, spaced out and ran up on a curb going about 45 mph. Needless to say it ripped a hole right in my tire! Now I have to buy a new one. JUST when I was slowly starting to get back ontop of my finances.
Second bit of bad news is that I think I’ve been fired from one of my jobs, but I’m not sure. If I have been it was a misunderstanding .. I hope it all gets worked out 
…………………….
Lastly and irrelevantly some pics of me and the boy. Got my hurr did. They’re so blurry though
I really like these. I wish they weren’t blurry or I’d have them made into large pictures to frame and hang.
Evil.
Posted on | October 8, 2009 | 6 Comments
I never posted this here but about a week ago I got a letter from the state saying that my son’s Newborn Screening Test came back that he most likely is carrying Sickle Cell Trait and they asked that me and his father come in and be tested asap as the are certain one of us has either sickle cell or the trait or we both do.
I had been conflicted with whether or not to tell Daddy because I REALLY did NOT want to talk to him at all, but it was one of those things that I kinda felt I HAD to do since it involved his health and the health of my son. I kinda felt like he had the right to know.
I decided to get it over with today and here is how the convo went:
“Me: i got a letter in the mail saying our son kobe has a health concern and both of his parents need their blood tested as well for precaution. contact your local health department soon and ask them about it.
Him: wtf
Him: umm ok”
That’s all that was said from either of us. I kinda expected this which is why I was so vague in my message.. I figured if he really cared either way he’d ask for more information. Ok, I expected it so why am I so upset? I feel angry and like I want to cry. I guess it’s the confirmation that damn he really DOESN’T give a fuck about our son, MY baby, and more than that he doesn’t give a fuck if he dies .. for all he knows he could be dying.
I just DON”T get it! How could he reject such a beautiful, smart and healthy boy like this? A boy who has never done anything wrong in this world. A boy who would love him unconditionally. HOW? WHY?
I hate being reminded how much of an asshole he is because I feel it reflects on me and my bad judgment. I feel I’m to blame that my son doesn’t have a father and the one he does have is not one he deserves. I hate myself for doing this to him because I always promised myself my kids would not be in this situation and I failed.
I don’t know what to do. All I can do is hug my baby tight and try to fight back the tears.
I will NEVER contact him again. Not even for medical issues which was the only reason I contacted him initially but no more! I’m so done. FUCK him. I hope he gets treated just as evil as he treats other people, HIS SON. I hope his life is so fucking miserable and he pays for this big time. I really do.
So Far So Fail
Posted on | October 6, 2009 | 5 Comments
I just realized so far mommyhood is nothing like I had PLANNED for it to be. I failed right from the beginning when I was pregnant. I promised that I would eat great and keep exercising until it was time to have the baby. Instead I pigged out on junk, was sore, was sick, slept a lot and gained 70 lbs.
I said I was going to lotion my body up 3 times a day every day. I didn’t and now I have stretch marks from my belly button to my boobs.
When I had my son I said I would do more for myself. Shower daily, keep my hair looking nice, dress well, wear make up. I don’t. I shower when I can., my hair is a mess, my wardrobe consists of sweats and tshirts (for one my son throws up on me all of the time, for two its all that comfortably fits me noq) and I only wear makeup when I’m going somewhere special.
Rough, so rough. Fail, so much fail.
At least I’ve stuck with the commitment to only cook every meal I eat. I’m still not working out like I want to and doing all that I would like for myself and my health and sanity.
The Anniversaries, The Timeline
Posted on | September 30, 2009 | 8 Comments
I can’t believe the Anniversary of everything is coming up. Seriously? I’ve been thrown into this whirlwind for one year now? Time flies so fast.
The date I met Daddy: October 5
The day I got pregnant: October 19
The day I found out I was pregnant: November 3
The day I moved in with Daddy and discovered his real world: November 5
The day my life turned into hell (at the time) and I discovered I would be a single mom: November 7
I’m not sure why but these dates scare me. I’m reliving the memories, feeling the emotions I felt and suddenly I’m on the verge of tears. Is that weird that my memories still hurt me one year later? I’m not sure why. I guess because it was all so much to handle at the time, and it seems like it all happened yesterday. I was so hurt, so depressed, so conflicted. Every thing that happened on these dates changed my life forever. [click to continue ..]
Tags: daddy (the ex) > how i became pregnant > how i met daddy > life before my son
