Smiling, Sleeping, Learning, Tummy Time
Posted on | September 28, 2009 | 3 Comments
You know .. I have no idea what this Colic is about. I have no idea why it seems my son is “good” with other people, but screams his head off with me. I’m told it’s the way all kids are because they are more comfortable with being uncomfortable with their parents. Ok, whatever. I guess that’s understandable, but it doesn’t make the crying any easier to deal with. Sometimes I feel I’m going to lose my mind, though don’t get me wrong, I’m no where close to hurting my son.
I stress it. I dread it. I get frustrated with it, but I swear all of that goes away the minute my son looks lovingly into my eyes and gives me the biggest smile ever. It all goes away when he sees me and gets so excited that he squeals, laughs, giggles and tells me all about his day in baby jibberish. God, I love him. I honestly feel like the luckiest woman in the world with the greatest son ever. I’ve never been so proud of anything in my life.
Just a little smile is all it takes for me to remember why I’m doing this, why I’m here, why everything is worth it. [click to continue .. ]
Tags: biracial baby pictures > colic > cosleeping > infant learning > infant sleeping pattern
How to Heal with Dignity (Break Up Rules)
Posted on | September 26, 2009 | 5 Comments
(I wish this was available to me when I was going through shit with Thumper and Daddy too. I hope this will help someone else because it will help me in the future!)
The best way to heal with dignity (for both people after a breakup) is with NO CONTACT.
Raise your hand and repeat after me…
I, (state your name), do, hereby, solemnly swear that I will not behave in the manner of a crazy Ex. I will not participate in foolish or destructive behavior. I promise to act in a dignified fashion and that means I will not do stupid things, no matter how I might rationalize them. Therefore, I vow the following:
* I will not call him. No matter what good or bad news I think he should hear only from me, I will not call him. Even if I am convinced it will make me feel better, I will not call him. I will not call him even to get my stuff. I’ll have a friend do that, preferably via email.
* I will not email him. Not even an innocent and rather funny group email forward. I will not email him simply to give him back his stuff. I will not contact him at all. [click to continue .. ]
Confession#1 : No More Colic!
Posted on | September 24, 2009 | 3 Comments
When Jack cries nonstop for apparently no reason it makes me second guess myself and wonder why I ever became a mother. To listen to this shit nonstop? I have to because he has no one else. I knew this when I decided to become a single mother, but then it seemed it would be easier to stand. It makes me nervous. It makes me stressed. It makes me crave a treehouse, a joint and a cheeseburger.
I love him to death but I just wish he would quit for one day. No, one week. Please? PLEASE!
Romanticizing the Useless
Posted on | September 20, 2009 | 5 Comments
I have a few topics I want to write about .. I’m going to try to remember them all but I probably won’t. I may spread them out in multiple posts as they come to mind.
First I want to address the depression and the issues I have with Daddy that I wrote about. My problem is that I’m crazy. Seriously, lol, I feel like I am. I flip flop daily with how I feel and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m hormonal, or because I’m not capable of wallowing in my sadness for long. I’m much more of a “change things, regain control” type of person than someone who would rather constantly feel like “woe is me”. It’s probably a bit of both, no? Crazy mixed in there too.
My other problem is no matter how much of a piece of shit Daddy is, no matter how many times I feel satisfied without him, no matter how many times I feel I’m ok being a single mom raising our son on my own, I have a horrible habit of romanticizing him. I start imagining a man who is not him. A man who is happy, well adjusted and stable. A man who is capable of loving anyone other than himself. A man who deep down could be a loving father to both of his sons. A man who could be a great boyfriend if maybe I didn’t mess up somehow (as if how he acts towards me is my fault). So I become bitter. I become jealous. I become full of hate and anger.
But with his help I’ve pulled myself back to reality. He’s showed his ass once again and I realize he’s still as much of a loser as he ever was. And a piece of shit person at that. Yes I wish things were different, but they never will be. He will never ever change. Day by day I’m learning to accept that.
Tags: baby daddy drama > daddy (the ex) > getting over my ex
Here He Comes Again ..
Posted on | September 18, 2009 | 3 Comments
Funny that right after my last post, after I really let him have it virtually Daddy decided to pop up at the most random of times saying the most random shit. I can’t even be mad anymore because he’s far surpassed frustration territory and has ventured onto funny/sad territory. Seriously he completely wiped away my whole dark mood I was feeling yesterday and put some pep into my step. I can’t even stop laughing.
Around midnight I got an IM from him saying nothing other than “Why do you even like me? My dick is so small. It misses you though”
Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!
Loves it. I I love how he had the time to ask me about his dick, he had the time to send me pics of it and get on webcam ..but he didn’t have 10 seconds to ask me about his son.
I also love that he just assumes that I still like him. What is his deal? Girlfriend and all we’ve been through why is he still so interested fucking me? Why? Is he really delusional enough to think I’m going to be like “Ok well you’ve put my heart through hell for the past year, but I don’t even care anymore! Throw me that cock!”
Wow. I have no words for this Loser .. except LOL.
Surely he has lost his mind.
Putting My Truth and Honesty Out There
Posted on | September 17, 2009 | 9 Comments
I think by having an online blog causes bloggers to lack authenticity, no matter what they may say. To an extent most bloggers blog to attract readers, to keep them interested, to not offend, to hide from those they know in real life.
While once upon a time I enjoyed writing fiction, I cannot be fake here. I made this blog for a reason and it was to be therapeutic to all the feelings and mixed emotions I was going through after finding out that I was pregnant, and that I may be single and pregnant .. because my boyfriend just couldn’t make up his mind what he wanted to do with his life and if he wanted me and our baby in it. It was a heartbreaking situation to be thrown in, I did not see it coming, I did not want it and simultaneously I was driving my friends crazy by talking about the predicament incessantly.
What I have said here has been real .. I’ve admitted things .. that I was careless and let my son fall TWICE in ONE day, that I’ve had a problem in the past controlling sexual relationships and getting what I wanted out of them, that after everything that has happened I miss my child’s father, that I now have a weight problem, that money is hard yet I still spend foolishly, that I’ve had my heartbroken embarrassingly right after I finally decided to write that we made our relationship official. Oh, and I cuss a lot sometimes .. I don’t always bite my tongue, I don’t always tell a perfectly readable story. [click to continue .. ]
Tags: daddy (the ex) > depression > frustration
Bye Jack, Hello Sid Vicious
Posted on | September 15, 2009 | 4 Comments
Who is this big boy? The big boy who almost badly hurt my precious little Jack 3 times in 2 hours. First Jack fell off the bed, then Jack fell out of the chair both times when I turned my back for one second to get a bottle, then Jack nearly went under the water in his bathtub twice (luckily I was right there to hold him up) .. because this big boy realizes how strong and mobile he is even if I did not. He also thinks it’s funny to do these things so he gets a good laugh when mommy screams “OMG JACK NOOO!!!!”. This big boy kicks, pulls and pushes his body and apparently rolls and crawls when I’m not looking.
This big boy also throws tantrums. He screams at the top of his lungs when hes unhappy, but he’s also very sweet and smiles, laughs and coos A LOT now.
Also this big boy knows he needs fuel for his big strong body so overnight he went from being satisfied with 4 oz baby bottles to drinking (demanding) 6-8oz big boy bottles.
And wow this big boy cannot fit in my precious baby Jacks clothes anymore. Nope big boy wears size 6-9 even though hes only 2 months old because his body is so long now. He’s doubled in size and strength nearly overnight.
Wow, Big Boy, pleased to meet you. I didn’t see you coming so quickly, and boy did you give my the scare of my life today. You took away my sweet, still little baby and have given me Sid Vicious reincarnated. Just kidding, but you are wild and are keeping me on my toes now. Wow ..I’m a little sad, a little surprised. I didn’t have my tiny baby nearly as long as I would have liked to, but I love you just as much.
And now we take a lesson in baby-proofing ..
Sex
Posted on | September 15, 2009 | 1 Comment
I’ve made the vow to myself to give up Fuck Buddy relationships and to take sex and who I do it with more seriously. I’ve only had one true FB, but I’ve had enough relationships that involved sex and didn’t end up being serious to feel like I’ve been merely a cock socket more than I’ve been a serious love interest.
As of lately I just don’t feel positive coming away from this type of relationship and I feel like I’ve finally learned my lesson with Daddy.
Yeah he was my boyfriend, at least that’s the agreement that we made. But we had only been dating 2 weeks before we had sex for the first time and made my son. By the time we made it to 1 month we were over, and 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. No we weren’t fuck buddies, but what we had was not what I thought it would be going into everything and then what I got out of us certainly was NOT what I wanted (not really my son .. but the fact that I got impregnated by an abusive, drug addicted, deadbeat loser which lead to me being a single mother. I never wanted this). [click to continue .. ]
Tags: daddy (the ex) > inner strength > positive changes
So Much For Frugal Living ..
Posted on | September 14, 2009 | 3 Comments
Is this not the cutest thing ever?
Seriously. How could I withstand the urge to buy an abundance of BabyLegs when leg warmers on my son’s little muscular legs just so happen to be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my life? And you know cold weather if just around the corner …
So I reasoned with myself and I splurged … my clicky finger got happy, I pressed “Check Out” and in the end I ordered $72 worth of legwarmers for Jack.
$72.
On legwarmers.
Fuck me.
On the bright side I have read and seen that legwarmers totally grow with the kids and they can wear them up until about age 3 or so. So … that’s gotta count for something. This is more like an investment than a senseless purchase.
Good mommy .. right? lol
RIGHT?!
Tags: biracial baby pictures > financial struggles > spoiling baby
Bored Single Mom
Posted on | September 13, 2009 | No Comments
Being a single mom taking care of her little son alone sometimes means that I don’t get to leave the house all that much and am forced to entertain myself in the strangest of ways. Thank God for my Digicam for without it and my ability to record hundreds of random videos I might actually be insane by now.
Me and Jack doin our make up and reveling in our insane beauty :p ..
Nope, nothing of substance to add here!
Tags: interracial single family > my son > single mom videos
