Just like that. He’s gone from our lives. Even if he gets our early he will be 50 years old and my son will be a grown man.

I’m not sure how I feel about all of this. I guess my brain is still processing it all. On one hand I am happy and relieved he’s getting the karma he deserves. On the other I’m so sad, disappointed. scared. I fear how my baby will handle all of this when he’s old enough to understand. How will it make him feel to know the truth? Will he be able to successfully distinguish himself from his father? Will he carry guilt? Will he carry shame?

It all makes me very nervous. I’m just not sure what to do but thankfully I have years to sort that out.

Also, Daddy is a rel piece of work. He just had to do all of this after I put so much work into everything. Especially child support. The same month we were about to make progress he sends himself to prison. He’s just determined not to let me win, huh? (My little joke of the whole thing)

I will go on and assume nothing horrible happened to him while at my aunts, but I will also assume my uncle did fuck with him in some way or another since he said he did. Even if it was just tickling him or making noises to wake him up that’s not acceptable. He’s just a baby who needs his rest. So he will no longer go over there unsupervised.

Some of you may wonder why I let him go over there when I said I was unsure of if I trusted them .. the thing is, as a mom, I don’t really trust anyone with my son but myself because I know no one loves him the way I do. While he’s away I wonder what all could possibly happen accidental or not that I have no control over since I’m not there. There are also many cases where you may think you know and trust someone, but then they do horrible things to people for some reason or another that you never thought they would be capable of doing. No one knows another person 100% probably for the simple fact that none of us read minds to know what all goes on through a person’s head.

Sometimes it’s hard to decipher where I’m being paranoid or where I’m feeling valid motherly instincts. In this particular instance these were not just strangers I dropped him off at. They are people I’ve known all of my life, and while my aunt did weird things to me as a child she never full on abused me sexually or otherwise. My uncle was always uninvolved so at the time I felt he would be OK in their care. He very well could still possibly be. This all could be a misunderstanding and I may be overreacting, but because I AM a good parent and I DO care about my son I have made the decision not to put him in that situation again.

My aunt always weirds me out kinda with my son. She’s always obsessed with changing his diaper and wanting to give him baths. This has never sat well with me because I always thought it was stange she wanted to do that so often, but I never really said anything cause I thought maybe she just wanted to help out.

Anyway, what that has to do with anything is my mom just called me and told me my other aunt went over there to visit and my aunts husband told her that while my son was asleep he was messing with him and did things to wake him up. Either he didn’t say what or my aunt didn’t tell my mom what, but now I have a very bad feeling. When I went to go get him I already had a bad feeling because I’ve never been sure if I trust them a lot or not. Now I’m wondering what the hell were they doing to my baby?

Thinking back when I was a little kid .. up until I was about 7 this same aunt used to always try to stick her boobs in my mouth and tell me to suck her milk out even though she’s never had kids before. Like seriously whip her boobs out and rub them on my face and try to get them in my mouth. Sometimes she’d bite and suck on me in a sexualish manner on my neck. It weirded me out as a kid but my mom told me not to worry about it because it’s just my aunt being silly and since it’s been stopped for so many years I’ve kinda forgotten about it, but hell no is that going to go on with my son.

I’m pissed now and feel so bad that I didn’t think of this and let him over there. I don’t know what else to do except not let them see him anymore.