However, the most shocking part for me was when he wrote her back. She didn’t have her glasses, so when the mail came she brought the letter over and asked me if I would like to read it aloud to her and I did. He thanked her, he talked about his love for Jack, what life is like in prison, then at the end of the letter he began telling her how much he loves me, how I’m everything he’s ever wanted in a woman, how blessed he is to still have me in his life and how he feels he can’t live without me .. and then came the shocker … he said he would like to propose and he asked for her permission to marry me. This is news to me. I had no idea, so I guess apparently I was not supposed to read the letter. Yowzers!

Wow. I’m just completely floored. I don’t know what to think or say. Jack and I are supposed to go visit in a couple of weeks and I’m wondering if that’s when he will do it. Just .. wow. Wow. I have no speech right now.

My mom let it be known that she’s very unhappy with the fact that I’m involved with my son’s dad as well as his family. He’s so grumpy and bitter especially now that he and I are closer romantically, as friends and as co-parents. She said he does not deserve it. He was not there in the beginning.

Prison is really the best thing that could have happened to us. He’s clean now which has made a huge difference in who he is as a person. He’s not the same druggy asshole who lived day to day on a diet of meth, pills and marijuana. Clean Daddy is actually a pretty cool, laid-back, funny, smart and interesting guy. Furthermore, prison has allowed us to sit down and really talk and get to know one another no distractions. We realized over time that we have more in common and get along better than we did before. We are very dear friends. He tries to be as good a dad as possible to our son. Our son loves him and talks about “Daddy” constantly. This past year and change has been calm for us. But because he wasn’t there that first year am I to never forgive him and forever hold a grudge? If he’s still around when Jack is, say, 5 he will have been around 4 years to his absence of 1 year. Do I blow off those 4 and continue holding the 1 over his head?

I just don’t get it. That’s now how I live my life. Our past is ugly, yes. But I’m truly over that part of my life by now. 2 years have passed. My mom is such a miserable person and I wish she wouldn’t live her life like that either. Forever a cynic, pessimistic. I also think it’s a case of jealousy and possessiveness. She feels because she’s been around Jack is HER’S. Fact of the matter he is half mine, half Daddy’s. He’s as much Daddy’s parent’s as he is her’s and so on.

This is really just a rant. I’m getting sick of her eyes rolls and snide remarks each time either Jack or I talk about his dad.

Admittedly I had been a bit excited for this and I felt some sort of unexplained anxiousness about seeing his face. It’s always still a little awkward to be around him because subconsciously my guard shoots up when he’s around. I just remember always having to be on edge around him, so I get a little nervous, but excited too. It feels like some sort of milestone for us to even be here.

Prison visits aren’t as horrible as most people think they are, at least not at his facility. We arrive at 8:30 am and wait in line. We go through metal detector, get frisked in a non-invasive manner, then we get sniffed by the drug dog and we’re free to go back into the visiting room and see him.
My insides tingled when I saw him walk into the room, looking a bit different than I remembered. His face more worn, more mature than it was 3 years ago. His light green eyes looked like those that have seen a lot of things, he’s stressed. His slicked mouse brown hair was thinning. In some ways he looked worse than I remembered, but in some ways he was still so handsome. Maybe it was the fact that he looked healthy and fuller. He’s been eating and working out, not surviving on drugs like he used to. And he still walked and conducted himself with swagger and confidence.
Of course it could also be that in my eyes there’s nothing in the world more attractive than seeing his face light up and spread into a smile as he ran over to our son to give him a big hug. “Hey Chunkers!” he exclaimed. “It’s Daddy! Do you recognize me?”
That’s what I feel like I’ve waited 2 years of my life to see. And each time I witness him do it it reminds me of everything I used to wish for.

Jack never seems to know how to react. He will go into Daddy’s arms, but for the first 10 minutes or so he refuses to look at him he also refuses to call him “Daddy” to his face. Daddy’s face falls from excitement to disappointed. “Aren’t you even gonna look at me, baby?” he asked squeezing Jack a little tighter. No Jack is not. I’m not sure why that is.

Daddy then turns his attention to me. He smiles, his eyes warm. “Hey” he says freeing an arm to put around my shoulder. “He smells like gel” is my first thought. “Its a relief to feel his body” is my second thought. “Hi”, I smile back. There’s an awkwardness between us, but at the same time there’s still some automatic attraction.

The visit went fine. We spent time inside eating lunch, making small talk and playing games with Jack. I took note of the fact that being around Daddy now feels much different than it used to. I feel I can relax and be myself which I used to not be able to do. Before he was always so cold and only looked at me with annoyance and hatred in his eyes. Even during sex there was very little connection to me, I could’ve been anyone in his bed. He didn’t give a fuck.
Now his demeanor is different. He continued to smile warmly at me and look at me with “interest”, like he actually wanted to be around me and like he cared about what I had to say. Things have been this way for awhile, but it still takes some getting used to. I kinda felt I was sitting next to a stranger.

Jack is happy and playful. Daddy does all the work for me: they play together, he holds him, he chases him, he wrassles him when he acts up. He see’s what I have to put up with without him. This is my time to relax and I don’t feel guilty about it. I’m actually amused when he collapses in a chair, exasperated from chasing a loose toddler around the room he thinks it’s funny to duck and weave and run away from his parents. “Ok”, he huffs and puffs. “Your turn please”.

As the visit went on Daddy started to open up to me and emerge out of his disguised shyness. At random times he would reach out and gently brush my shoulders and arms with his finger tips. Our eyes would meet and silently do the flirting for us. As noted, there was some sort of attraction and chemistry growing between us which is no surprise since I’ve been aware that he now has feelings for me.
Towards the end of the visit we decided we would take Jack outside to the playground to run around for a little bit. As we watched him we stood close talking and innocently flirting. We talked about Jack, we talked about his stint in prison, we talked of this and that and it seems a force guided us, he slipped his arm around my waist, simultaneously we turned to one another and without hesitation he leaned down to kiss me, full on open mouth kissed me .. and I’m not even gonna lie it was amazing. His lips were so soft, his tongue was so gentle and he tasted so sweet. I felt like a little girl with butterflies and all.

He pulled back and smiled looking into my eyes “I love you, Bridgette”.
“I love you too” slipped from my tongue. We kissed once more and split up to play with Jack.

*sigh* I feel so tempestuous. I still have no idea where we stand. Admittedly I have feelings for the man, I never stopped. Yes I do love him, but the situation is incredibly complicated. Part of me wants to be with him badly, the other part of me knows I deserve a man who is free, that I can see anytime, talk to, touch how I want, not have to be pegged down with charges with. I just don’t know.

So why is it that him being there now, and all on me growing feelings for me makes me wanna push away? It’s so uncomfortable.

We’ve been on decent terms for a year now and he’s met our son once when I took him to visit. Have I mentioned that? The whole situation is so awkward and I have yet to develop a trust in him. I mean as a dad I think he’s trying as best as he can to support me and keep up with our son. How do you parent from prison?

But our relationship is soo … I don’t even now how to describe it. I’m very guarded from him and I’m not interested in prison romance.

Yeah this post is very random, but I’m sitting here in boredom reading his most recent letters and it got me thinking about the old days. How I used to wish and wish and wish and here things are not at all like I had wanted them to be. In many ways.

Just like that. He’s gone from our lives. Even if he gets our early he will be 50 years old and my son will be a grown man.

I’m not sure how I feel about all of this. I guess my brain is still processing it all. On one hand I am happy and relieved he’s getting the karma he deserves. On the other I’m so sad, disappointed. scared. I fear how my baby will handle all of this when he’s old enough to understand. How will it make him feel to know the truth? Will he be able to successfully distinguish himself from his father? Will he carry guilt? Will he carry shame?

It all makes me very nervous. I’m just not sure what to do but thankfully I have years to sort that out.

Also, Daddy is a rel piece of work. He just had to do all of this after I put so much work into everything. Especially child support. The same month we were about to make progress he sends himself to prison. He’s just determined not to let me win, huh? (My little joke of the whole thing)

I’m so proud of Jack. He can can sit up all his own now, but he can’t actually sit up for too long. He’s rolling, he’s trying to crawl although it frustrates him. He’d much rather attempt to walk.
I’m worried about him. We definitely need a bigger apartment so I can get him a crib. I think he’s rolled out of the bed a total of 4 or 5 times with me. My mom called me up all nervous to say he rolled out with her. I mean no one lets him do it on purpose but he’s just so busy and impossible to sleep with anymore. If he hits the wall he will turn himself around and keep rolling until he goes off the foot of the bed. Uggh .. I don’t want him to get hurt! I’m not sure what to do with no space.

Anyway child support has been moving along fantastically. I assume they’ve sent out the notices. Daddy has been sending me emails saying in one sentence he has no money to pay for CS so its not fair I filed, and in the next claiming I raped him to set him up because he doesn’t remember me or ever sleeping with me. He says he vaguely remembers falling asleep while being in my presence and that I’ll never get away with this. Mmm sure baby. Guess that’s why you were all in my face saying you missed fucking me a couple months ago, huh?

Gotta love him.

ETA: I’ve been doing a worse job at keeping up this blog than I thought! Damn damn damn. I forgot to mention before that about 3-4 weeks ago Child Support had been stalling with my case and when I would call them to get answers Customer Service would claim that the hold up was that they couldn’t find Daddy even though I gave them his exact address that he had given me and no explanation as to why that was.
I got frustrated with that after hearing it for 2 months and ontop of that they were acting like I was a pain in the ass for calling them. I decided that I would write a letter to the governor to get something done and before I sent it off I like Child Support know I was going to. That same day a man called me from the Child Support office apologizing profusely and told me that he went over my case file and the hold up was that for some bullshit nonexistent reason they wrote me down as non-cooperative and put my case on hold. Finding Daddy wasn’t an issue, they found him months before. He told me he would take off my “non-coop” title and put my case as top priority to get things moving along and he would send out the letter to Daddy to let him know he was being sued for Child Support and the steps to move forward.

Glad to see he kept good on his word. Daddy got the letter and seems to be flipping his lid. I think it’s funny he actually thought I wouldn’t do this. That he could get off scotch free and not be held accountable for anything AGAIN. Nope, baby. You’re a 27 year old (sorry excuse for a) man. Time to finally step up and be responsible for something you’ve done.

I decided to get it over with today and here is how the convo went:

“Me: i got a letter in the mail saying our son kobe has a health concern and both of his parents need their blood tested as well for precaution. contact your local health department soon and ask them about it.
Him: wtf
Him: umm ok”

That’s all that was said from either of us. I kinda expected this which is why I was so vague in my message.. I figured if he really cared either way he’d ask for more information. Ok, I expected it so why am I so upset? I feel angry and like I want to cry. I guess it’s the confirmation that damn he really DOESN’T give a fuck about our son, MY baby, and more than that he doesn’t give a fuck if he dies .. for all he knows he could be dying.

I just DON”T get it! How could he reject such a beautiful, smart and healthy boy like this? A boy who has never done anything wrong in this world. A boy who would love him unconditionally. HOW? WHY?

I hate being reminded how much of an asshole he is because I feel it reflects on me and my bad judgment. I feel I’m to blame that my son doesn’t have a father and the one he does have is not one he deserves. I hate myself for doing this to him because I always promised myself my kids would not be in this situation and I failed.

I don’t know what to do. All I can do is hug my baby tight and try to fight back the tears.

I will NEVER contact him again. Not even for medical issues which was the only reason I contacted him initially but no more! I’m so done. FUCK him. I hope he gets treated just as evil as he treats other people, HIS SON. I hope his life is so fucking miserable and he pays for this big time. I really do.

The date I met Daddy: October 5
The day I got pregnant: October 19
The day I found out I was pregnant: November 3
The day I moved in with Daddy and discovered his real world: November 5
The day my life turned into hell (at the time) and I discovered I would be a single mom: November 7

I’m not sure why but these dates scare me. I’m reliving the memories, feeling the emotions I felt and suddenly I’m on the verge of tears. Is that weird that my memories still hurt me one year later? I’m not sure why. I guess because it was all so much to handle at the time, and it seems like it all happened yesterday. I was so hurt, so depressed, so conflicted. Every thing that happened on these dates changed my life forever.

* I remember meeting Daddy. I thought he was so good-looking and so sweet. I can’t believe that I actually swooned when he wrote and sang a song for me on his keyboard. He’s an awesome musician. Like a moth to a flame I was instantly drawn to him and could not tear myself away.

* Me and Daddy connected immediately and were inseparable. Within a week of knowing me he was telling me he loved me and that I was the girl of his dreams. Slowly he became obsessed with me and obsessive over me. He was crazy, but I was bored and liked the attention .. and the crazy kinda turned me on.

* Daddy came to live with me and things were good at first, though I knew something was up with him because he looked a hot mess and was strung out. He hid his addiction from me through a lie. He said he was looking so bad and “feeling weird” because of stress and his inability to sleep.
I should have known better because right before he came to see me he told me he was going to get some crack and asked me if I wanted any … “JUST KIDDING!” Yeah, right. I’m naive to hard drugs to I believed him.

* We were on my bed cuddling and watching a movie when Daddy pressured me into having sex with him and to do so with no condom .. and then to do so with no pulling out. He told me he was not concerned about me getting pregnant because he wanted me to be. He wanted me to have his baby. He had been pressuring me to having his baby for 3 days now. Though my heart was screaming “No! You will regret this!” I gave in. I felt so weak, and for some reason I just could not speak up for myself. It was like I was mute.

* Daddy and I sat around smoking weed, getting drunk and having lots of unprotected sex for days. I had become comfortable with him not pulling out of me at this point.

* We fought off and on and broke up off and on. I continued to drink and smoke to deal with the pain and frustration of dealing with this hot and cold crazy man. I was never much of a drinker as I prefer smoking, but at this point I was drinking LOTS.

* I took a morning after pill.

* Halloween is my favorite holiday. I drank hard alcohol, smoked like mad (yes Bridgette once LOVED her some green) and partied like a rock star on October 30, 31, Nov 1.

* Nov 3 I went to the bathroom and saw an old, nearly expired pregnancy test lying on the counter. I peed on it just for the hell of it. I wasn’t expecting to be pregnant because I had taken the morning after pill on time. The result: PREGNANT!
First reaction: “Oh. my. fucking. god.”
Second reaction: *remembering how much I had been drinking and smoking all along* “Oh my god, my baby is going to be retarded” (for lack of better word at the time)

To be continued …