While once upon a time I enjoyed writing fiction, I cannot be fake here. I made this blog for a reason and it was to be therapeutic to all the feelings and mixed emotions I was going through after finding out that I was pregnant, and that I may be single and pregnant .. because my boyfriend just couldn’t make up his mind what he wanted to do with his life and if he wanted me and our baby in it. It was a heartbreaking situation to be thrown in, I did not see it coming, I did not want it and simultaneously I was driving my friends crazy by talking about the predicament incessantly.

What I have said here has been real .. I’ve admitted things .. that I was careless and let my son fall TWICE in ONE day, that I’ve had a problem in the past controlling sexual relationships and getting what I wanted out of them, that after everything that has happened I miss my child’s father, that I now have a weight problem, that money is hard yet I still spend foolishly, that I’ve had my heartbroken embarrassingly right after I finally decided to write that we made our relationship official. Oh, and I cuss a lot sometimes .. I don’t always bite my tongue, I don’t always tell a perfectly readable story.

I’ve let it all out. While I try to be positive, I try to avoid painting some fake or forced “single mom living happily ever after” fairytale to impress the public with. No, not everything is perfect, inspirational or alright .. but I do my best.

But still, though I want to, I find it hard to be completely 100% real. To be raw dog and say all of the bullshit that’s on my mind. Eloquently. Because I care. I care that I have a number of readers lurk my blog everyday, following along to my life story. I appreciate you guys and I don’t want to offend anyone. I cre that I’m putting myself in the open for the whole world wide web to read and that someday, just maybe, somehow it could bite my in the ass.
But having the thoughts weigh on my had for the longest time, just screaming to get out to someone, anyone who will listen is wearing me down. I desperately just getting out what I’m really thinking and feeling with no gloss or pretense. That therapeutic release that I needed when I first created this blog is what I need right now. So here it goes .. completely raw, completely uncensored, completely honest ..

I’m depressed, the extremity of my depression changes daily but I am depressed. I do all I can for my son, and I think I’m doing OK, but it’s still so fucking hard for me to look at him everyday and not think of his Dad. To face all of the emotions that I have for his dad deep inside of my heart that I never really express.

I’m sick of Daddy. I don’t even talk to him, but I’m sick of him and his fake perfection. I’m sick of how he tries to make me jealous, make me feel inferior. I just want to publish my open letter to him:

“So your dad bought you a pimped out new place, your dad bought you 2 new cars, you’re completely drug free now, you’re one of the best MJ impersonators in the world “LOOK AT ME I’M TRYING TO GET FAMOUS ON YOUTUBE!!!”, you have a new girlfriend and she’s so funny and nice, your dick has grown 3 inches since I was with you, your life is so much better now .. FUCK YOU!

Though I love you for what you have given me, I sincerely hate you. You have put me through hell this past year, you have turned my world upside down, you’ve broken down and shredded any and all self esteem I’ve ever had. But you want to be the one who is doing better and living the good life?
You fucking left me. ALONE to raise OUR child .. and how could you do that to me? You wanted this so fucking bad. Don’t you even remember? You wanted me to be pregnant for so fucking long, you begged and prayed for me to be and then when I was and scared out of my fucking mind you started flip flopping, changing your mind every second before just abandoning me all together 3 months into my pregnancy?
But you want to make ME feel bad? You want to make me feel like I’m nothing without you? Why?
I had your son. For 9 months I had you growing inside of me. I gave up the only life I knew for you. I’ve cried my eyes out and felt miserable DAILY for you. I gave up my body for you .. I’m fucking 70lbs overweight now because of you. I suffered through pregnancy and labor for you. I’m struggling as a single parent for you, I’m raising up the best gift anyone could ever give you (or me) .. and you wanna shit on me? You wanna live happy and free leaving me by myself with our child to fend and fight through life any way I can without your help?

You may not think I do, but, Baby, I know you. I know 90% of your happiness is just smoke in the mirror. It’s just bullshit you pep talk yourself with to feel good about yourself. I know this but still I want to say this: Suffer please. I want you to know how I feel, how I’ve felt. I want you to know how wrong you are, how guilty you are. I want you to know how much you’ve hurt me, how bad you’ve treated me and how I’ve done nothing to deserve it. I’ve only done what you wanted me to do, I had your baby.”

Daddy is only one of many reasons for my depression and developing self destruction. He’s not the only reason, but he is one of the main reasons. I hate that about a week ago I felt so nice, so positive. Now I secretly and shamefully long to smoke weed daily and drink up my cabinet of alcohol to help cope and drown the way I feel just to make it through the days .. but the only reason I do not, and will not is my son. He needs me. He needs me in my right sober mind to put on a happy face and be a good mommy .. so instead I’ve turned to food. I try to numb my emotions by overeating or not eating at all. I haven’t even given enough of a fuck to work out in a week. If nothing else I feel like it’s the one thing I have control over, to deprive or overindulge my eating, my health.
But I realize that this is only making things worse because my body IS another one of the causes of my depression. So I’m honestly going to stop. Seriously. Today.

I’ve written enough. A Novel. My brain is tired now, I’m tired so I’m going to join my son in bed.

All at once I just feel so used up and washed out at the young age of 23. Damaged goods. I hear all the time how being a single parent is so lonely and it’s hard to find friends or dates once this is your life. I had so much planned before parenthood, I wanted so much happiness .. is it really all over for me just because I have a child? Just because I’m one of those pesky single parents? Why does being a single parent have to make one a leper? Someone people look down their nose to and want to avoid at all costs?

My mom is a single mother. She had two friends and tons of brothers and sisters she talked to on the phone. Other than that I was her life, she never dated or anything. She spent all her time in the house with me, only leaving on Sundays for church and through the weekdays for work. She seemed content, but the life always seemed so lonely to me. I had always vowed I wanted to be different.

Now I feel as if I’m headed on the same path all because of one little slip up that turned into a little miracle. And every day I’m reminded of this by someone or something.

How depressing.

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