Just like that. He’s gone from our lives. Even if he gets our early he will be 50 years old and my son will be a grown man.

I’m not sure how I feel about all of this. I guess my brain is still processing it all. On one hand I am happy and relieved he’s getting the karma he deserves. On the other I’m so sad, disappointed. scared. I fear how my baby will handle all of this when he’s old enough to understand. How will it make him feel to know the truth? Will he be able to successfully distinguish himself from his father? Will he carry guilt? Will he carry shame?

It all makes me very nervous. I’m just not sure what to do but thankfully I have years to sort that out.

Also, Daddy is a rel piece of work. He just had to do all of this after I put so much work into everything. Especially child support. The same month we were about to make progress he sends himself to prison. He’s just determined not to let me win, huh? (My little joke of the whole thing)

I decided to get it over with today and here is how the convo went:

“Me: i got a letter in the mail saying our son kobe has a health concern and both of his parents need their blood tested as well for precaution. contact your local health department soon and ask them about it.
Him: wtf
Him: umm ok”

That’s all that was said from either of us. I kinda expected this which is why I was so vague in my message.. I figured if he really cared either way he’d ask for more information. Ok, I expected it so why am I so upset? I feel angry and like I want to cry. I guess it’s the confirmation that damn he really DOESN’T give a fuck about our son, MY baby, and more than that he doesn’t give a fuck if he dies .. for all he knows he could be dying.

I just DON”T get it! How could he reject such a beautiful, smart and healthy boy like this? A boy who has never done anything wrong in this world. A boy who would love him unconditionally. HOW? WHY?

I hate being reminded how much of an asshole he is because I feel it reflects on me and my bad judgment. I feel I’m to blame that my son doesn’t have a father and the one he does have is not one he deserves. I hate myself for doing this to him because I always promised myself my kids would not be in this situation and I failed.

I don’t know what to do. All I can do is hug my baby tight and try to fight back the tears.

I will NEVER contact him again. Not even for medical issues which was the only reason I contacted him initially but no more! I’m so done. FUCK him. I hope he gets treated just as evil as he treats other people, HIS SON. I hope his life is so fucking miserable and he pays for this big time. I really do.

First I want to address the depression and the issues I have with Daddy that I wrote about. My problem is that I’m crazy. Seriously, lol, I feel like I am. I flip flop daily with how I feel and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m hormonal, or because I’m not capable of wallowing in my sadness for long. I’m much more of a “change things, regain control” type of person than someone who would rather constantly feel like “woe is me”. It’s probably a bit of both, no? Crazy mixed in there too.

My other problem is no matter how much of a piece of shit Daddy is, no matter how many times I feel satisfied without him, no matter how many times I feel I’m ok being a single mom raising our son on my own, I have a horrible habit of romanticizing him. I start imagining a man who is not him. A man who is happy, well adjusted and stable. A man who is capable of loving anyone other than himself. A man who deep down could be a loving father to both of his sons. A man who could be a great boyfriend if maybe I didn’t mess up somehow (as if how he acts towards me is my fault). So I become bitter. I become jealous. I become full of hate and anger.

But with his help I’ve pulled myself back to reality. He’s showed his ass once again and I realize he’s still as much of a loser as he ever was. And a piece of shit person at that. Yes I wish things were different, but they never will be. He will never ever change. Day by day I’m learning to accept that.

Around midnight I got an IM from him saying nothing other than “Why do you even like me? My dick is so small. It misses you though”

Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!

Loves it. I I love how he had the time to ask me about his dick, he had the time to send me pics of it and get on webcam ..but he didn’t have 10 seconds to ask me about his son.

I also love that he just assumes that I still like him. What is his deal? Girlfriend and all we’ve been through why is he still so interested fucking me? Why? Is he really delusional enough to think I’m going to be like “Ok well you’ve put my heart through hell for the past year, but I don’t even care anymore! Throw me that cock!”

Wow. I have no words for this Loser .. except LOL.

Surely he has lost his mind.

But why when I got him and his cooperation I didn’t have not one good feeling about it and instead was terribly apprehensive and constantly on the verge of tears?

I remained firm with what I wanted out of this meeting and he was cooperative and nice about it. One stipulation that I had was that me and my son would go visit him under the condition that NO ONE would be there but us. Me, him and our baby. He agreed. That was until this morning when I was asking him for directions he said “Hey my girlfriend might be here she wants to see the baby”

I flipped and told him absolutely not that’s not what we agreed to. So again he said OK, he understood, no one but us. I still didn’t trust him so my rules changed to:

1) We come there but no one will be involved but me, him, the baby and the guy I’m currently seeing for our safety.

2) If he has a problem with that he comes here to see his son.

3) If he doesn’t want to do that we forget about the whole thing and let Child Support handle everything in between us from now on.

He didn’t too much like those options and told me the next time I contact him I better have a DNA test ready. Hmph. So I gave him the number to Child Support and told him our case is on file so he can set it up, then I sent him on his merry way.

Can’t say I wasn’t expecting this. I knew it was only a matter of time. He knows it’s his son deep down, so I think he wanted to see him just to see him and not too much more would’ve come from it.

Also I re-publicized THIS POST which touches only a LITTLE on what was said this morning. Girlfriend or no girlfriend he obviously wanted sex with me again and I believe our son was the perfect opportunity in his mind to get it from me.

Ugh I’m so over this piece of shit and since he’s decided to back out AGAIN I feel as though a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Still I don’t too much trust him or his family so I regret telling him my son’s name and showing him a picture. I don’t know what will come from that.

And when I say “I hope our son inherits your musical talent. Maybe you’ll work with him someday on your instruments!” during our conversation his reply should not be:

“I was just remembering .. WOW you gave great head ”

Nor should he be telling me he misses any other part of our former sex life or how he misses me period at this point, yet he is.

I’m so disappointed. I’m sorry Jack. This is your Daddy.

It wasn’t until December after staying with Daddy for 2 weeks up until Christmas that I realized this wasn’t going to work. That I was the only one trying and he wasn’t going to change. He wasn’t going to give up drugs, he wasn’t going to consistently treat me the way I deserve, he wasn’t going to adjust to being a father beyond “YAY! A BABY!”

One night we fought. He yelled at me. He called me an idiot, he called me a whore, he called me a dirty nigger (he’s white), and he tried to make me feel like I was the most worthless thing he’s ever fucked. To top everything off he threatened that since I wanna fuck shit up by talking up for myself and disagreeing with his lifestyle, he said that once my son is born and he has proof that he is the father that I would never see my son again. And it would be my fault.

It was then that I decided me and Jakobe would never be back. I never wanted to see him again. I realized once and for all that I would LOVE to be a single mother to my child, rather than be with him and allowing him, this monster, to actively be around and influencing the baby.

……………………….

Since that message yesterday and since I responded I feel so haunted by him. Yes I have thought about him every day. Not in a stressful way, but that I just wish things didn’t have to be the way they are and what if they were different. Now I feel so disturbed and, for some reason, scared.

I’m starting to have those nightmares that I had at the beginning of my pregnancy where he would get in my face and degrade me in the worst of ways and then at some point start beating me. In some dreams he even tries to kill me. Then as the dream climaxes he always kidnaps my son. I see his back turned to me fleeing in a hurry from wherever we are. I’m laying there crying my eyes out and pleading with him to give me my baby. I’m trying to hold on to whatever physical strength I have left to get up from the ground and chase after him to wrestle my son back, but I can’t.
My son looks back at me with so much fear in his eyes. He’s only a few months old, but he reaches out to me. Once he realizes that he’s getting further and further away from me he starts crying … fainter .. fainter … then he and his cries disappear.
Every single time it’s the same thing, different scenarios. Even before I knew I was having a boy.
Every single time I wake up at this moment drenched in sweat. My heart is racing, I’m on the verge of tears. I scream out “JAKOBE!” and look around frantically for my son until I realize he’s still safe in my body, close to me. I feel dizzy and collapse back on the bed.

Why do I have these dreams? Please God don’t let this ever happen.

DADDY: (29/4/09 12:20 PM): HES NOT MINE!!!!

Oh fucking really?

You know, I can’t decide if I seriously wanna reply this fuck back and say “No he’s not yours, he’s MINE because as of today you haven’t done a damn thing for him except lend your fucking sperm. And even that is something I wish on any baby. Lucky for me your shit was weak and my son missed your gatdamn inner uglyness. BITCH!!!!!”

But I don’t know if I should even entertain his foolishness.

I don’t know why, but after I initially laughed this pissed me off lots. Obviously you can see by how I just wanna cuss him out and call him every name in the book!

Uggh. I swear I despise him more and more every day and then I could kick myself because I don’t see how I could’ve had the worse judgment in a man (or men) ever and put myself in this situation.

But then I think about my beautiful baby, he’s what I got out of it and I realize it’s not so bad. I’d go through all of this all over again to have my Jack.