Thanksgiving was really nice .. I was so happy to be spending it with my son for the first time ever .. but all the same these holidays are kinda rough. Everyone loves the new baby you know so they fuss over him and pass him around a lot. There are so many faces he isn’t used to and so many loud voices that he was so overwhelmed. Odd thing is when he’s around people he doesn’t know he doesn’t cry. When he has had enough of a particular situation he kinda gets this worried look on his face and he might groan a little, yet he’s too concerned with what’s going on that he won’t eat or sleep either. I took him home that night, just us two, and he really let me have it. All of that pent up frustration .. I never heard him cry so hard!

One more to go! I think we will be having a big Christmas dinner as well.
Speaking of I don’t know what to get for my son .. I mean Christmas came pretty early this ear because last month I bought him a Baby Einstein tunnel, this past week I bought him $200 worth of winter clothes and toys. Plus he doesn’t even know the difference.

He can crawl now, he’s sitting up independently, he can roll, switch directions and push up on his toes when he’s on his hands and knees. He’s mostly obsessed with trying to stand, walk and jump .. so I really wanna get him a Jumperoo but I have a cross fear of him not wanting to play with it .. and also my aunts or cousins buying him one. A couple of them have said they want to get him one or a walker (which btw I don’t want and keep trying to drop hints not to get we have carpet!) .. so either way if I get one now I fear I will waste money.

Oh yeah .. a random thought .. one thing thats currently REALLY bugging me when I let him stay with other people is how cute everyone thinks it is that my son is entranced with television so they will sit right there close infront of it with him for as long as possible and just let him stare. At first I didn’t mind if it was occasional and only for a minute or two but now it’s starting to chap my ass because I feel it’s the making of a bad habit. I don’t watch TV myself and I don’t wanna raise my son to watch tv either. I mean there are so many other better things to do than just sit there for hours .. so this is another habit I’m going to have to get my relatives to break.

The same applies to me. Lately I feel bored and like I need to be intellectually stimulated somehow because I don’t feel I’ve been learning much of anything. I think in Jan I will go back to school if I can.

Anyway, this entry is all over the place and pretty random but I just wanted to catch up. I’m going back to bed now.

- I can no longer go to the rest room in peace and quiet. I better get lucky and coincidentally go when the baby is sleeping. If he isn’t I have to drag him in there and soothe him while he cries also rushing the process of my duties. Taking a shower and brushing my teeth? Forget about it. I have to find the time for these things.

- When I’m hungry the baby comes first. Again I can’t eat until he sleeps or is completely satisfied that he’ll quietly sit in his Boppy while mommy quickly stuffs her face! Enjoying food is kinda out of the question these days.

- As far as sleeping goes I get in where I fit in. If I’m tired with nothing to do at the time I’ll nap while he naps. If I’m sleeping good and my baby wakes up I just can’t tune him out like I would everything else. I must drag my sleepy ass out of bed and tend to his needs no matter how hard it is! Which, for a sleep lover like me who has been deprived the last 5 months or so, is very hard!

- Changing the diapers of a fussy, squirming baby is actually very hard to do! So is bathing and dressing one! My son absolutely hates being naked for any reason.

- Being puked on, peed on, drooled on, sneezed on, farted on and pooped on by another human being no longer disgusts me. In fact I typically smell like a mixture of these things + baby products and it doesn’t even phase me. Although it’s not ideal, I’ve learned to be OK with it lol.

Despite how all of this seems my son is a good baby and only cries when he really needs something like a change or a feeding or if he just wants me. Thank god I don’t have a little nightmare! I just have a little attached boy who seems to love his mommy very much right away. And the feeling I get when I look at his pretty face, witness how much he settles down when I scoop him in my arms or feel him tightly wrap his tiny arms and hands around my neck when I’m putting him to sleep makes all of this “inconvenience” more than OK

VISITORS:

Family and friends being super excited and adoring the new baby is to be expected and hell it makes me feel special to see all the love he receives. All the same I’ve learned that I’m a selfish mom. Though yeah I do want a break at times, it bothers me to have visitors touching all on my boy and doing their annoying little things with him.

- Don’t touch him with your germy hands without washing first. You do know that after he grabs on to your finger that you didn’t wash he puts his hand in his mouth, right? I’m sorry I don’t know where your finger has been and I don’t wanna find out through some virus my son gets!

- Don’t kiss him all over his face. Again where have your lips been and on who? Are you sick? I don’t wanna find out!

- Don’t offer to change his diapers and rub all over his privates. It bugs the shit out of me. I hate it. I guess I feel like it’s ok for other people to change him, but it’s a violation of his privacy for them to actually touch him down there!

I get annoyed with everyone’s “advice”. Really why don’t people figure that no one loves to be lectured all the time and basically told they’re a shitty parent who doesn’t know what they’re doing? I mean yeah if there’s a toy or something out tht has been proven to kill babies tell me, but don’t walk in the door and criticize me for how I hold him, how I feed him, how I put him to sleep, etc … I’m not being too rough. I’m not going to choke him I swear. And if he gets a little spoiled by falling asleep on my chest it’s Ok, I’ll deal with it. It’s a personal bonding time that both he and I enjoy.

-Also I hate when visitors were doing all of the above and I snatched my son from them, my aunt actually had the nerve to say “Oh you see him all of the time, let someone else hold him” while trying to pry him out of my arms. HEY! He’s my baby, not a toy. I will hold him if I want no matter if I do it a lot or not, I’m entitled to continue it!

Gosh, I sound like a bitter bitch, but really I’m not. People bug! I guess it’s all instinct of being a mother. Protective, a germaphobe, wanting the best for my tiny little person …

Lastly, a because in just a week I’m already SUCH a freakin mom .. pics of my baby

PICS! This slideshow is backwards. I don’t know how to work Flickr.

I used my new Sony Cybershot DSC-W220 to take the pictures and I absolutely love it. Great investment and I can’t wait to see how the baby’s pics turn out with it! My mom even loved it so much that she bought herself one!

So at the shower I got every thing I registered for and then some! Outfits, diapers, wipes, a bed, carseat, swing, breast pump, Boppy, tub, so much other stuff! We ate good food like sandwiches, chicken, mixed fruit, chips with dip, punch and of course CUPCAKES! It was really amazing and I’m so glad everything turned out that way. I got totally caught up in having fun that I forgot to take pictures of the guests and well .. the pics of me are unacceptable! I don’t like how bloated and huge I look LOL.

Other than that finally I’ve just been (impatiently) patiently waiting for my little boy to get here. I’m a little scared about the delivery, but I mostly just want to get it over with. I can’t wait to be a mom and have my little man here in my arms and show him off to the world.

I’m still planning on moving in July which will be here and a little over a month. I really need to get packing!

First my cousin approached me a few weeks ago and asked me if she could be the one to throw me a shower which I agreed to. I guess she also approached my mom and asked her to co-host the shower with her, which eventually lead to her putting the shower off completely on my mom because she decided she didn’t have enough money to throw it. I had no idea this happened until yesterday as I was left completely in the dark. Ok that’s fine.

I went over my mom’s place and she sat down with me and said “Ok I’m actually throwing your shower for you and it will be on May 31st at 1 pm .. and here are the invitations.”
Whoa whoa whoa .. ok first she picked a date and time without consulting me or first asking if it were OK and then she picked out these ugly, tacky looking invitations because she thought they were cute without asking me what type I wanted. The date I could be cool with, the invitations I could not.

“Well, I’m not buying anymore invitations” she protested. “These are the ones I picked out, these are the ones we’re using. You’re just going to have to deal with it”

The rest of the convo went as follows:

“No I don’t have to deal with it. It’s my baby and his party, not yours. It’s a one time occasion and I feel like I should be able to have things the way I want them. You can’t keep going through this whole thing doing what YOU want and not asking me first!”

“Well, you asked me to throw the party so I-”

“No I did NOT ask you to throw the party. I didn’t ask anyone to throw the party. I actually just learned today that you were the one throwing the party”

“Well fine I won’t throw it. You do every thing yourself. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

Way to have a sour attitude just because I asked that I be kept in the loop and for everyone involved to remember it’s my day and I would prefer for it to be done with my style. If that makes me a bitch then so be it I guess. I was as nice as possible about it all and she had to be so defensive and bratty. Yes invitations will most likely be something people just throw away, but they’re also keepsakes for some including myself. So if I want them to be pretty and nice then they should be pretty and nice!

……………………………………

Next I went to go pick out carseats, a swing and an activity station to put on the registry at BRU. My mom brought along two of my aunts. Several times my aunts wanted to pick out the cheapest most basic things or things they liked. I said no, if I’m going to have them purchased I want them purchased right. I want the best quality, the safest product and something he will enjoy .. not just any ol thing because it’s the cheapest they have. I can’t tell you how many times I caught them rolling their eyes at me when they meant to do it behind my back.

Eventually they went on to say that my baby doesn’t need or deserve such nice things and if I want the expensive stuff I should use my own money to buy them.

That totally rubbed me wrong. First of all it’s just nasty to say. Second of all if I think my son deserves the best then he gets the best. If they don’t want to buy the stuff they don’t have to, but who are they to say what he needs and doesn’t need. What he deserves and doesn’t deserve?

I’m spoiling him? Ok maybe a little, but so what! Can I not? I’m not being a snob because some times cheap things are just as good, but when it comes to large things that could be a hazard to his safety? You bet your ass I’m gonna be picky.

So I narrowed down the carseats and the swings I wanted -about 2 or 3 each and put them on the registry to research later. Little did I know that my mom ran off copies of the registry and started distributing them to people. I told her beforehand that they registry was not ready! I was just there to see and test things for myself and then pick out the final product online after research.

“Well you’re just doing things backwards and messing everything up”, she said.

OMFG! This is going to be looooooooong.

I vow from now on: NO MORE PERSONAL BUSINESS. But I fear it’s too late.

……………….

I took a trip to the ER last night because of the cramps and pains I’ve been having which lead to sharp “contracting” pains. I honestly have every symptom for Preterm Labor so I had been getting very worried, even if eventually the symptoms or pains would go away. I made it out to the hospital which is the same one I will give birth in, they strapped me up to various machines on the bed and left me there for a couple of hours to be observed. Everything was fine. The good thing about it all is that I learned it’s a nice, clean quiet facility with a super nice staff.

My mama was there and brought my aunt and together they sat in the room with me. The nurse asked me a series of personal questions that I didn’t feel comfortable answering in front of them so I lied. One of the questions included “Have you ever been physically or verbally abused?” which I did answer truthfully. Shamefully and hesitantly I said “Yes …”
The nurse asked “By who?”
Hesitantly again, “My sons father.”

As soon as the nurse left my mom gave me a verbal beating that I am not to bring up my baby’s father ever again, that I need to get over him and not talk bout him and accept that he’s no longer in the picture. She actually seemed humiliated as she always does when I mention him especially in front of others. I don’t know why she acts like this. I didn’t go into details, I didn’t give out personal information about him, and I can’t help it if every time I have an emergency she insists on bringing my aunt even when I ask her not to.

Which is another I don’t understand and angers me a little with her.For some reason she insists that we need extra support. I call her because I need support, then she calls someone because SHE insists she needs support. She will call my aunt who is no doctor and has no children every time I hurt to ask her what I should do. How would she know? She will drag her out of bed at 2 am to come with her to visit me and if I’m OK she gets mad at ME for waking my aunt up and bringing her out there when all is well.

I think she and I will need to talk about this.

Oh the drama.

………………….

OMG! I’M HAVING A BOY!

I could NOT be happier. I have a son! He’s what I’ve always wanted simply because I’ve had it in my mind ever since I was a little girl that my very first child would be a boy and I was so right! I’m ecstatic. Admittedly since I feel like I’ve known for many many years it wasn’t much of a shock or surprise, but more of a happy confirmation. Wow my beautiful little man ..

Here are his pics ..

I’m so proud of him and so was my mom we went shopping immediately after and bought him so much. He’s going to be SO spoiled.

I got to see a good shot of his face .. he’s still skeletal right now it was so weird. But I could tell in his face that he looked exactly like his daddy ..

In the one I had last night he was playing a Saw-like “hide and seek” game with me after he kidnapped our kid and I was devastated. Never have I woken up so relieved and happy to have my baby safe and happy in my belly right close to me.

……………
I talked to my mom yesterday about what happened Saturday. She doesn’t understand what she said wrong so she refuses to apologize but she insists that despite saying “That poor baby doesn’t have a chance in hell with you as it’s mother and the father it ended up with” that she didn’t mean it that I’m a bad mother, just that I give the baby no chance at being healthy and growing up decent …. Ummm .. isn’t that the exact same thing just worded differently?

Whatever.

My little baby means the world to me. It’s the reason I do almost anything these days because I want to give it a good life, I want it to be comfortable and happy. And it will be! I want to be a great mommy, and I will be!

Yes these are exact quotes between the two of them, but then they acted shocked that I eventually got upset. Yes, I know when you’re pregnant people are just trying to help because they want a healthy, happy baby out of you .. but I wish people would realize that no one likes being bitched at about everything and told they’re a horrible person.

I know I look like crap, I know my apartment looks like crap but I do my best! I’m just getting over morning sickness, but it’s been replaced by chest pains and bad cramping as my belly stretches out and my insides move around. Also I’m starting to get lower back pain. I know I’m not doing all I should do, but I’m doing my best! I want to look better, I want to exercise .. but it’s hard for me. And it’s all perfectly natural.

Anyway, I think I ended up offending my aunt because she asked why would I be angry and I straight up told her I don’t appreciate people who don’t understand how I may feel telling me that I should feel differently and overall being so negative. Well, my aunt can’t have children so I think she took that as a diss, but I didn’t mean it like that because I was directing it in general way. Now I think she’s upset with me.

So much dramaz! Uggh I’m trying to get over that shit.

To add to this dramatic entry I wanna say I’m concerned that some eyes who I prefer not to read this blog have probably made their way over. One particular person’s name starts with a “D” and ends with an “A-D-D-Y”

Don’t ever add your blog to mybloglog.com because, yeah .. it’ll feed your blog entries to your Yahoo buddy list for all your friends to read and there’s almost no way for you to know until someone brings it to your attention.

Thanks MyBlogLog and Yahoo! That was a lovely idea!

Now I’m not sure if I should just delete this blog or what. I like the idea of being anonymous, and not having people who really know me know all about me, all about my situation and all the thoughts that run in my mind. I don’t want to be censored, but now I feel like I have to be.

Meh.

Saying I’m alone could be a huge stretch, I do have family members, most of which are excited about my child .. but I’m not exactly close with my family because I’m not much like them and I don’t agree with how they see a lot of things. I think about some of their beliefs being put in my baby’s head and it scares the crap out of me. For instance it pisses me off that my mom is already being so prejudice and she doesn’t understand just how much it offends me when she says she hopes she doesn’t have a “white” grand baby. She hopes it looks a certain way, acts a certain, doesn’t acknowledge that not only is it black, it’s half-Italian too .. WTF?! The baby is half-white, that’s just a fact. And if it does come out looking more like Daddy than it does me what’s it matter? It’s still my child and still her grandchild.
Also she basically just wants to take my child away because she believes my whole lifestyle is just wrong and that I would fill my own child up with “foolishness”. Because I’m open-minded? Because I’m accepting of others? Because I’m fun-loving? Why? She never answers.

*As for my friends? Well, they can’t imagine what I’m going through so they can’t understand and have nothing to say. Therefore I have no one to talk to.

*My baby’s father is a loser meth-addict who never deserved me to begin with and doesn’t deserve our child, but at the same time he’s hurting us so much because my baby needs it’s father .. especially if it’s a little boy. I have no male role models for him. Why can’t he get his shit together? He got everything he wanted .. he got me pregnant and he’s tied to me forever now. So how can he not give a shit right now? Your wish came true and you don’t want to man up? What was the point? Why did you go through so much trouble to lie and impress me? Was it all just for the extra drama in your life? WTF, dude?!

*The fucking economy sucks. I’m self employed and lately work sucks when it used to be booming. I’ve been surviving off my savings which are dwindling. How can I raise a child in this? Right now I have nothing to give. I can barely afford to feed myself AND keep a roof over my head. How can I feed and house myself and my little kiddo too? Right now I’m working 2 jobs 24/7, just napping when I can trying to make ends meet ..

*I’m tired of people judging me and feeling sorry for me or like they’re better than me because I’m a single mom, alone and pregnant. I can’t even hold a conversation with a guy in a friendly way without him assuming I’m on the hunt for a replacement of a baby’s daddy. I have a baby, not a disease. Why is it assumed that I NEED a man? Why is it assumed I made all the wrong choices in life, that I have a MISTAKE growing inside of me and my life is just headed nowhere but down … like I’m a pity to be around.

*Lastly, I thought I had a man who understood it all. Someone who got me and was on a level with me like no one else was. I did something with him that I never do .. I fell inlove. He told me he wanted me, told me he wanted my baby which I asked him repeatedly not to say but he swore he meant it all. I gave myself to him and what did he do? He left me and broke my heart almost right away. Saying he wanted me and the baby only hurts because I feel lied to and used. Why did he do that? What was the point? I just can’t understand how he keeps talking to me now swearing he loves me so much, yet he no longer wants me. He wants me in the future, but he doesn’t want me now. Why not? What’s suddenly so wrong with me? It kills me because I can’t make sense of it.

How do I handle all of this? I don’t know. I still wake up every morning, my heart is still beating .. so I guess I’m making it. How long can I go on? I have no idea.

I’m trying to be strong and go on, I’m trying to see the brighter side. For short moments I connect with this little one inside of me and I break down crying. I want all the best, I want to be a great mom and so far everything is just so freaking lousy. So the night is darkest just before the dawn .. when will I see my dawn?