Ontop of all else my mom and I had a fight (like always lately) and I decided to cut her out of our lives until she gets her attitude adjusted.
I’ve been putting up with her bullshit since I had the baby. She treats me like I’m so stupid and such a burden to her when I rarely ever ask her for anything. Sunday morning I woke up in terrible pain which I thought I would have to go back to the hospital for so I called her and asked her to come watch my son and drop me off there. She came over bitching saying I’m ruining her life by calling her just because I’m in pain and since he’s my son I need to deal with him whether I’m in pain or not. On top of that she told me she wouldn’t take my to the hospital but she called 911 and told the EMSA to come get me even though I told her NOT to since I don’t need another $1400 medical bill.

I told her I wouldn’t treat her this way if she needed me and to think about how she would feel if I did treat her this way. She didn’t listen to one word I was saying and told me to shut up because she’s sick of me. That’s when I kicked her ass out and told her I don’t wanna see her and she’s not allowed to see my baby again. He doesn’t need to be around that type of toxic shit or witness anyone treat his mother like that infront of him time and time again. I guess obviously she didn’t take me seriously because she called me about 50 times yesterday, then she drove my aunt over and asked her to ask me if she could come up. I pretty much laughed at her and gave a big fat NO! If anything she needs time to think about how shes acting and how she can change. IF she doesn’t feel the need to change then we really don’t need her negativity.

……….

Anyway, so that’s the deal with my mom. Since she nor any of my family can watch my son reliably for me while I work I decided to enroll him in day care. This is so fricken hard! First of all it’s hard to find one I feel comfortable with. One where the workers seem nice andthe environment seems fun, safe and sanitary.
Second of all it’s hard to think about leaving him with strangers for a few hours a day. He’s been by my side since he was born so he has an attachment to me. I wonder which of us it’s going to be harder for. I’m sure he will be able to adapt faster. I did 2 tours today, got one more in a couple of hours and another on Thursday then I will make my decision which will hopefully be the right one.

I know in the end it will be good for me and him. I will be able to make a living for us, get a break/much needed rest and run errands. He will be able to gain a bit of independence and make new friends/be around people his age. Those are all good things right?
….

I’m trying to think if anything new is going on with Jack.

- Eating solids 3x a day now. Thinking about introducing him to finger foods like cooked apples or something because he wants to feed himself.

- He understands no and is starting to learn what is OK and what is wrong. He knows he’s wrong to go into the bathroom or kitchen without mommy. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t try to sneak in anyway.

- He has his big boy bed. Initially it was hard to transition him over from cosleeping, but he spends long hours in the bed now.

- He has a love of being naked. I had to buy him overalls because he loves to take off his pants and diaper when I’m not looking. Just like his dad LOL.

That’s about all I can think of for now.

Jack is pretty much doing everything now except walking independently and it’s blowing my mind. It’s like one day he could hardly crawl all that well and that next he was crawling, climbing, standing and taking steps when holding on to surfaces. I think it was because of the exersaucer and jumperoo he received as early Christmas presents. They really seemed to up his confidence in standing/walking and built up strength in his legs. According to his doctor he’s very advanced for his age because he’s doing things typically a 9 month old would be doing. I’m so very proud, but it has it’s drawbacks as well. For one I hate that he’s impossible to change and bathe because he wants to move around so much which really frustrates me lately. Especially since more and more often he’s been getting up the back poops .. every parents nightmare.

For two, I get no sleep because I have to wake up about 50 times a night to check on him since he’s crawled off the bed more times than I’d like to count while we sleep. I’m giving up cosleeping now and purchased him a crib.

I was going to participate in Ms. Single Mama’s “New Year, New Leaf Challenge”. I wrote up a few things I want to change this upcoming year, but I never got the time to finish writing it all out so it’s sitting as a draft that I will probably post eventually even though I’m now too late to officially enter. Working more diligently is one of the things I want to do this year. I had to face it: I’m in debt. Ever since I had my boy I don’t really work much and everything I bought for him had to be charged. My credit cards have reached a balance of $3k in total. Which isn’t horrible compared to most people but that’s more than I want to owe anyone. I’ve cut them up and vow to live off cold cash or debit now.
To keep up with this vow, I had to empty out my savings account over the weekend to buy my son a bed. barricading no longer works because he can climb over anything. So now we have no savings it’s completely do or die in order to survive.

I hope by the summer to have the debt paid off and hopefully a little savings built back up.

….

So I got noticed over the weekend that we finally have court with Daddy later this month. I don’t know how to feel about that. Part of me is happy to be moving forward in this child support case, the other part of me is nervous as hell to see him. It’s been over a year now and with all I’ve learned about him the past month. But I honestly don’t know how this would work out being that he’s in jail right now. He probably won’t even be there.

…..

One other thing I want to change is my cooking habits .. typically I don’t cook and I’m embarrassed to admit I still haven’t lost the baby weight. I bought a bunch of groceries and I’m going to cook them up and learn new recipes on the way. I’m putting myself on a low carb-ish diet because of how sedentary I am and I bought myself a Wii for Christmas that I will only buy interactive games for. I’m loving DDR!

Ok this is a start to my updates. I gotta run now to get things done while little man is sleeping.

Seriously. How could I withstand the urge to buy an abundance of BabyLegs when leg warmers on my son’s little muscular legs just so happen to be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my life? And you know cold weather if just around the corner …

So I reasoned with myself and I splurged … my clicky finger got happy, I pressed “Check Out” and in the end I ordered $72 worth of legwarmers for Jack.

$72.

Fuck me.

On the bright side I have read and seen that legwarmers totally grow with the kids and they can wear them up until about age 3 or so. So … that’s gotta count for something. This is more like an investment than a senseless purchase.

Good mommy .. right? lol
RIGHT?!

For one, I just noticed that all of the toxic people in my life have been weeded out in some way or another. The last few people that I held on to because of boredom, familiarity, or just to have someone are gone and it feels so good.

The guy I’ve been seeing, the guy I occasionally mention here but never talk about because I’ve always been aware he was no one special and we were going no where, is GONE. And I’m happy. I feel peaceful. I’m so relieved to be 100% single instead of “mostly single”.
I no longer give a shit what Daddy is doing and why he is not here. I don’t miss him at all And I’m, for once, being completely honest when I say that.
I’m happy to finally be free of all drama. Especially drama that involves men.

I’m eating better. I’m exercising. I’m spending more quality time with my son, and he’s growing like a weed turning out to be an amazing, smart and healthy baby. I feel good, content. I’m becoming happy with myself and with my life. It’s been nearly a year since I’ve felt completely OK. I feel like things are looking up me.

No, life isn’t perfect. I’m taking a lesson in frugal living right now as it’s been predicted that the forthcoming months will be tough on us financially. But I feel humbled and optimistic. I will do whatever I can to keep a roof over our head, my bills paid, our tummies fed and my son in clean clothes and diapers.
I see this as a chance for me to grow up and stop spending emotionally. Also a realization that money won’t always come easy, and that I really do need to pay off my credit card debt once and for all. Monthly payments to cards suck.

I’m in a total nesting mode. My apartment is so cluttered and unorganized. It’s making things feel so cramped so I’m working on this now, then I plan to redecorate. Arrgh. Back to it before Jack wakes up!

Saying I’m alone could be a huge stretch, I do have family members, most of which are excited about my child .. but I’m not exactly close with my family because I’m not much like them and I don’t agree with how they see a lot of things. I think about some of their beliefs being put in my baby’s head and it scares the crap out of me. For instance it pisses me off that my mom is already being so prejudice and she doesn’t understand just how much it offends me when she says she hopes she doesn’t have a “white” grand baby. She hopes it looks a certain way, acts a certain, doesn’t acknowledge that not only is it black, it’s half-Italian too .. WTF?! The baby is half-white, that’s just a fact. And if it does come out looking more like Daddy than it does me what’s it matter? It’s still my child and still her grandchild.
Also she basically just wants to take my child away because she believes my whole lifestyle is just wrong and that I would fill my own child up with “foolishness”. Because I’m open-minded? Because I’m accepting of others? Because I’m fun-loving? Why? She never answers.

*As for my friends? Well, they can’t imagine what I’m going through so they can’t understand and have nothing to say. Therefore I have no one to talk to.

*My baby’s father is a loser meth-addict who never deserved me to begin with and doesn’t deserve our child, but at the same time he’s hurting us so much because my baby needs it’s father .. especially if it’s a little boy. I have no male role models for him. Why can’t he get his shit together? He got everything he wanted .. he got me pregnant and he’s tied to me forever now. So how can he not give a shit right now? Your wish came true and you don’t want to man up? What was the point? Why did you go through so much trouble to lie and impress me? Was it all just for the extra drama in your life? WTF, dude?!

*The fucking economy sucks. I’m self employed and lately work sucks when it used to be booming. I’ve been surviving off my savings which are dwindling. How can I raise a child in this? Right now I have nothing to give. I can barely afford to feed myself AND keep a roof over my head. How can I feed and house myself and my little kiddo too? Right now I’m working 2 jobs 24/7, just napping when I can trying to make ends meet ..

*I’m tired of people judging me and feeling sorry for me or like they’re better than me because I’m a single mom, alone and pregnant. I can’t even hold a conversation with a guy in a friendly way without him assuming I’m on the hunt for a replacement of a baby’s daddy. I have a baby, not a disease. Why is it assumed that I NEED a man? Why is it assumed I made all the wrong choices in life, that I have a MISTAKE growing inside of me and my life is just headed nowhere but down … like I’m a pity to be around.

*Lastly, I thought I had a man who understood it all. Someone who got me and was on a level with me like no one else was. I did something with him that I never do .. I fell inlove. He told me he wanted me, told me he wanted my baby which I asked him repeatedly not to say but he swore he meant it all. I gave myself to him and what did he do? He left me and broke my heart almost right away. Saying he wanted me and the baby only hurts because I feel lied to and used. Why did he do that? What was the point? I just can’t understand how he keeps talking to me now swearing he loves me so much, yet he no longer wants me. He wants me in the future, but he doesn’t want me now. Why not? What’s suddenly so wrong with me? It kills me because I can’t make sense of it.

How do I handle all of this? I don’t know. I still wake up every morning, my heart is still beating .. so I guess I’m making it. How long can I go on? I have no idea.

I’m trying to be strong and go on, I’m trying to see the brighter side. For short moments I connect with this little one inside of me and I break down crying. I want all the best, I want to be a great mom and so far everything is just so freaking lousy. So the night is darkest just before the dawn .. when will I see my dawn?