Today I took him to the doctors office for an appointment and I almost forgot how I had been avoiding the pediatric the past few months: my son doesn’t know how to act while we wait. As soon as he managed to get away from me he took off running all around the building, under chairs, bumping into folks into the lab room, knocking over medical equipment, throwing chairs and magazines. I was so embarrassed. There had to be about 40 adults and children waiting as well and everyone just stared at me as I ran around like a helpless dog trying to chase a hare.
I finally grabbed him up and carried him into the children’s waiting room where a man was waiting with his sick son. My son went crazy pulling the limp noodle act when he figured out he had to sit. I fucking hate the limp noodle routine because I have to continue dragging him around nearly yanking his arm out of socket.
I grabbed him and held him tightly in my lap as he squirmed, screamed, spit at me and started slapping me. I got him to calm down for about 10 minutes by playing a cartoon on my phone but when it was over he threw my cell phone across the floor and started running around again when I got up to pick it up and while he was running he went over to the man, stood on the chair next to him and leaped ontop of the man and into his lap. OMG I felt so humiliated! I grabbed my son and apologized to the man and his son and AGAIN he managed to run away. I chased him down and as we were making our way back I noticed that the man and his son left the children’s waiting room and were sitting in the larger one. It was obvious that they no longer wanted to be around me and my son and I don’t blame them That made me feel terrible.

Some other things that happened throughout the day:

- While the doctor was trying to look in his ears, Jack ripped off Doc’s glasses and threw them across the room.
- When I took him to school after the appointment the first thing he did was punch a little boy in the face, then grab a little girl by her dress and start dragging her across the floor, punching her in the back of the head while she screamed in horror
-When I brought him back home I was trying to carry up his box of diapers that had been delivered up to our apartment. My hands were full so I could not hold JAck’s hand. He took the opportunity to make a break for it and run in traffic and towards a pond totally screaming in laughter while I chased after him. Horrified residents looked on, some probably laughing. It’s all a game to him
- I won’t even get into how he acts at home. I will say it’s not better than how he acts in public. I’ll even post pictures of what he does to our apartment.

Ugh, I’m just venting that I can’t take this anymore. I don’t understand why he acts like this. Is it normal? I feel like I’m failing as a parent because I don’t know how to correct it. Time outs don’t work. Spankings don’t work. Stern talking to’s don’t work. There’s only so much I can do ya know? I fear more than terrible twos what if it’s mental? Both his dad and I are bipolar, but obviously his dad is more fucked up than I am. He’s explained to me before that he’s acted up and caused lots of trouble all his life and has always been pretty terrible tempered. Our son already acts so much like him. I just don’t wanna deal with this See I knew single parenting would be hard and I knew there would be tantrums, but when every day is like today I feel like I’m not cut out for it.

I decided to get it over with today and here is how the convo went:

“Me: i got a letter in the mail saying our son kobe has a health concern and both of his parents need their blood tested as well for precaution. contact your local health department soon and ask them about it.
Him: wtf
Him: umm ok”

That’s all that was said from either of us. I kinda expected this which is why I was so vague in my message.. I figured if he really cared either way he’d ask for more information. Ok, I expected it so why am I so upset? I feel angry and like I want to cry. I guess it’s the confirmation that damn he really DOESN’T give a fuck about our son, MY baby, and more than that he doesn’t give a fuck if he dies .. for all he knows he could be dying.

I just DON”T get it! How could he reject such a beautiful, smart and healthy boy like this? A boy who has never done anything wrong in this world. A boy who would love him unconditionally. HOW? WHY?

I hate being reminded how much of an asshole he is because I feel it reflects on me and my bad judgment. I feel I’m to blame that my son doesn’t have a father and the one he does have is not one he deserves. I hate myself for doing this to him because I always promised myself my kids would not be in this situation and I failed.

I don’t know what to do. All I can do is hug my baby tight and try to fight back the tears.

I will NEVER contact him again. Not even for medical issues which was the only reason I contacted him initially but no more! I’m so done. FUCK him. I hope he gets treated just as evil as he treats other people, HIS SON. I hope his life is so fucking miserable and he pays for this big time. I really do.

While once upon a time I enjoyed writing fiction, I cannot be fake here. I made this blog for a reason and it was to be therapeutic to all the feelings and mixed emotions I was going through after finding out that I was pregnant, and that I may be single and pregnant .. because my boyfriend just couldn’t make up his mind what he wanted to do with his life and if he wanted me and our baby in it. It was a heartbreaking situation to be thrown in, I did not see it coming, I did not want it and simultaneously I was driving my friends crazy by talking about the predicament incessantly.

What I have said here has been real .. I’ve admitted things .. that I was careless and let my son fall TWICE in ONE day, that I’ve had a problem in the past controlling sexual relationships and getting what I wanted out of them, that after everything that has happened I miss my child’s father, that I now have a weight problem, that money is hard yet I still spend foolishly, that I’ve had my heartbroken embarrassingly right after I finally decided to write that we made our relationship official. Oh, and I cuss a lot sometimes .. I don’t always bite my tongue, I don’t always tell a perfectly readable story.

I’ve let it all out. While I try to be positive, I try to avoid painting some fake or forced “single mom living happily ever after” fairytale to impress the public with. No, not everything is perfect, inspirational or alright .. but I do my best.

But still, though I want to, I find it hard to be completely 100% real. To be raw dog and say all of the bullshit that’s on my mind. Eloquently. Because I care. I care that I have a number of readers lurk my blog everyday, following along to my life story. I appreciate you guys and I don’t want to offend anyone. I cre that I’m putting myself in the open for the whole world wide web to read and that someday, just maybe, somehow it could bite my in the ass.
But having the thoughts weigh on my had for the longest time, just screaming to get out to someone, anyone who will listen is wearing me down. I desperately just getting out what I’m really thinking and feeling with no gloss or pretense. That therapeutic release that I needed when I first created this blog is what I need right now. So here it goes .. completely raw, completely uncensored, completely honest ..

I’m depressed, the extremity of my depression changes daily but I am depressed. I do all I can for my son, and I think I’m doing OK, but it’s still so fucking hard for me to look at him everyday and not think of his Dad. To face all of the emotions that I have for his dad deep inside of my heart that I never really express.

I’m sick of Daddy. I don’t even talk to him, but I’m sick of him and his fake perfection. I’m sick of how he tries to make me jealous, make me feel inferior. I just want to publish my open letter to him:

“So your dad bought you a pimped out new place, your dad bought you 2 new cars, you’re completely drug free now, you’re one of the best MJ impersonators in the world “LOOK AT ME I’M TRYING TO GET FAMOUS ON YOUTUBE!!!”, you have a new girlfriend and she’s so funny and nice, your dick has grown 3 inches since I was with you, your life is so much better now .. FUCK YOU!

Though I love you for what you have given me, I sincerely hate you. You have put me through hell this past year, you have turned my world upside down, you’ve broken down and shredded any and all self esteem I’ve ever had. But you want to be the one who is doing better and living the good life?
You fucking left me. ALONE to raise OUR child .. and how could you do that to me? You wanted this so fucking bad. Don’t you even remember? You wanted me to be pregnant for so fucking long, you begged and prayed for me to be and then when I was and scared out of my fucking mind you started flip flopping, changing your mind every second before just abandoning me all together 3 months into my pregnancy?
But you want to make ME feel bad? You want to make me feel like I’m nothing without you? Why?
I had your son. For 9 months I had you growing inside of me. I gave up the only life I knew for you. I’ve cried my eyes out and felt miserable DAILY for you. I gave up my body for you .. I’m fucking 70lbs overweight now because of you. I suffered through pregnancy and labor for you. I’m struggling as a single parent for you, I’m raising up the best gift anyone could ever give you (or me) .. and you wanna shit on me? You wanna live happy and free leaving me by myself with our child to fend and fight through life any way I can without your help?

You may not think I do, but, Baby, I know you. I know 90% of your happiness is just smoke in the mirror. It’s just bullshit you pep talk yourself with to feel good about yourself. I know this but still I want to say this: Suffer please. I want you to know how I feel, how I’ve felt. I want you to know how wrong you are, how guilty you are. I want you to know how much you’ve hurt me, how bad you’ve treated me and how I’ve done nothing to deserve it. I’ve only done what you wanted me to do, I had your baby.”

Daddy is only one of many reasons for my depression and developing self destruction. He’s not the only reason, but he is one of the main reasons. I hate that about a week ago I felt so nice, so positive. Now I secretly and shamefully long to smoke weed daily and drink up my cabinet of alcohol to help cope and drown the way I feel just to make it through the days .. but the only reason I do not, and will not is my son. He needs me. He needs me in my right sober mind to put on a happy face and be a good mommy .. so instead I’ve turned to food. I try to numb my emotions by overeating or not eating at all. I haven’t even given enough of a fuck to work out in a week. If nothing else I feel like it’s the one thing I have control over, to deprive or overindulge my eating, my health.
But I realize that this is only making things worse because my body IS another one of the causes of my depression. So I’m honestly going to stop. Seriously. Today.

I’ve written enough. A Novel. My brain is tired now, I’m tired so I’m going to join my son in bed.

Secretly in my mind I’m jealous of his new girlfriend. Past the initial weeks of our relationship he never did value me or love me like he lead me to believe he would, but I wish he did.
I wish the world were perfect and that he would come around and shape up dramatically. I wish he would want me again, like he obsessively wanted me when he first met me.
I dream of us being a family. I think of us making more perfect babies .. because dammit if we don’t make great babies together.

I dream of Jack smiling to see him, giving him big hugs and saying “I love you, Daddy!” and I dream of him being touched and saying “I love you too, son” and actually meaning it. I dream of them having this great, loving father/son relationship. I dream of him being so proud of his son and wanting to be there for him every step of the way.

Why do I care? Why do I still think of him every single day when if it wasn’t for our son I would’ve never called him again back in October ’08 after our first break up? Why do I let him stress and depress me like this? My world is flipped AGAIN. How many times will my heart be broken by him? HOW FUCKING MANY?!

I just want to fuckin forget him, but I can’t. I just want to be emotionally numb to him, but I’m not.

Gat-fuckin-dammit.

But why when I got him and his cooperation I didn’t have not one good feeling about it and instead was terribly apprehensive and constantly on the verge of tears?

I remained firm with what I wanted out of this meeting and he was cooperative and nice about it. One stipulation that I had was that me and my son would go visit him under the condition that NO ONE would be there but us. Me, him and our baby. He agreed. That was until this morning when I was asking him for directions he said “Hey my girlfriend might be here she wants to see the baby”

I flipped and told him absolutely not that’s not what we agreed to. So again he said OK, he understood, no one but us. I still didn’t trust him so my rules changed to:

1) We come there but no one will be involved but me, him, the baby and the guy I’m currently seeing for our safety.

2) If he has a problem with that he comes here to see his son.

3) If he doesn’t want to do that we forget about the whole thing and let Child Support handle everything in between us from now on.

He didn’t too much like those options and told me the next time I contact him I better have a DNA test ready. Hmph. So I gave him the number to Child Support and told him our case is on file so he can set it up, then I sent him on his merry way.

Can’t say I wasn’t expecting this. I knew it was only a matter of time. He knows it’s his son deep down, so I think he wanted to see him just to see him and not too much more would’ve come from it.

Also I re-publicized THIS POST which touches only a LITTLE on what was said this morning. Girlfriend or no girlfriend he obviously wanted sex with me again and I believe our son was the perfect opportunity in his mind to get it from me.

Ugh I’m so over this piece of shit and since he’s decided to back out AGAIN I feel as though a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Still I don’t too much trust him or his family so I regret telling him my son’s name and showing him a picture. I don’t know what will come from that.

I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s a permanent thought that’s killing me right now. It’s starting to hurt me all over again that he doesn’t care about his new son. He suddenly wants nothing to do with him.
It started last night when I was filling out our son’s memory book. It pissed me off how empty his side was, only filled out with basic information I know about him. His full name, his birthday, I know a couple of his hobbies. I have no idea where he went to school, what city he was born in or where he grew up. I don’t know his moms name, his sister’s name, his grand parents. What’s he done since graduation besides sit on the couch and smoke? I have no idea.

I can’t even call him and ask him these things because he doesn’t wanna talk to me. He’s too sick, something else is more important.
“Why does he treat me like this?” is something I often wonder. When we first met we were inseparable and he was so obsessed with me. He wanted desperately for me to feel the same about him, he wanted desperately for our connection to last, he wanted desperately to have a family with me. He got the family he wanted. No I’m not a girl that he’s known for years. No we never had a long term relationship. Yes, there was only lust, not love when we made our son, but why can’t we be on good terms and try to work together?
I’m not a bad person. I’m not a psycho-chick who wants to make his life miserable. I’ve always been nothing but nice to him since I’ve known him and he treats me like shit and now he’s treating our son like shit by ignoring him.

He doesn’t know we have a son. He doesn’t know that our son looks so much like him already. He has his head, his facial structure, his nose … and he’s a beautiful, perfect looking baby. He doesn’t know that our son will be here very soon. Just a couple more months to go. He doesn’t even know that I have a name for our son all picked out. I want so bad to call him and share the joy I have with him. That all I want from. To let him know all about what a perfect little person we have made. He doesn’t want to hear it.

So block me from Yahoo, delete me from your phone. You don’t plan on ever talking to me again, huh? You don’t plan on ever finding any of this information out? This is what you wanted yet you just want to pretend we don’t exist? Great.

I don’t even want him to be a full-time father, or really even part time right now. I don’t want to be his girlfriend. But dammit I just want him to care a little. I want him to know his son is his and how wonderful he is. The little boy he said he wanted so so badly when he first found out I was pregnant .. he got him.

But he DOESN’T. FUCKING. CARE.

I decided “What can it hurt?” so last night I gave him a call and it went like this ..

Daddy: “Hello?”

Me: “Hey! How you doin?”

D: “Who is this?”

M: *hesitating over what smartass thing to say* “Bridgette …”

D: “Oh hey whats up?”

M: “You sound like shit .. whats wrong with you?” (literally he sounded on the brink of death and my curiosity got the best of me.)

D: “I’m sick lemme call you back” *click*

Arrgh. Ass. Seriously that was that. You’re the mother of my child. A little piece of me is growing inside of you, but I’m “too sick” to see what you want. *click*

Oooh but I’d come too far. I wasn’t just going to quietly walk away like I always do. His stanky attitude pisses me off, not because it hurts me but because it’s directed to our child and I think the baby deserves a little more respect than he gives, especially when he was the one who initially wanted the baby SO bad. So I decided to leave him a message which basically said “I only called you about our baby, to tell you things that I thought you should know. If you wanna play games that’s fine. Just don’t say I never warned you”

He came back at me with “I’m sooooo sick, yo. And for your own good don’t ever threaten me again”

Let’s just say I flipped my lid after this and went off on him, cussing him out.

It wasn’t as gracious as I hoped it would be, and in the end he learned absolutely nothing about the baby like I intended (doesn’t deserve to anyway), but it was a relief to finally tell him all about himself and how much of a piece of shit I find him to be. I’m sick of being nice and cordial to him when he treats me and our child like shit.

So, yeah … that was that.

When I got home Daddy signed online but didn’t message me. I decided to take the plunge. I messaged him first and simply said “Hey Daddy. Just wanted to let you know that I went to the doctors today and they told me I’m 6 weeks along, baby is due July 14.” then I sent him a copy of the paper.

To my surprise he responded “Hey .. whoa. Cool!”

And that was the end of the conversation. Ugh. So frustrating but I take what I can get I guess. At least he didn’t ignore me for once in 2 weeks! This guy is killin me ad he doesn’t even know. Or maybe he does but doesn’t care. Either way I’m pretty sure he was freakin high.

I’ve now told most of my family about the baby. Everyone is super excited. But me. I’m in pregnancy hell. Super morning sickness, sore boobies, sleeping all day. Uuuugh. It’s gotten old already.