The date I met Daddy: October 5
The day I got pregnant: October 19
The day I found out I was pregnant: November 3
The day I moved in with Daddy and discovered his real world: November 5
The day my life turned into hell (at the time) and I discovered I would be a single mom: November 7

I’m not sure why but these dates scare me. I’m reliving the memories, feeling the emotions I felt and suddenly I’m on the verge of tears. Is that weird that my memories still hurt me one year later? I’m not sure why. I guess because it was all so much to handle at the time, and it seems like it all happened yesterday. I was so hurt, so depressed, so conflicted. Every thing that happened on these dates changed my life forever.

* I remember meeting Daddy. I thought he was so good-looking and so sweet. I can’t believe that I actually swooned when he wrote and sang a song for me on his keyboard. He’s an awesome musician. Like a moth to a flame I was instantly drawn to him and could not tear myself away.

* Me and Daddy connected immediately and were inseparable. Within a week of knowing me he was telling me he loved me and that I was the girl of his dreams. Slowly he became obsessed with me and obsessive over me. He was crazy, but I was bored and liked the attention .. and the crazy kinda turned me on.

* Daddy came to live with me and things were good at first, though I knew something was up with him because he looked a hot mess and was strung out. He hid his addiction from me through a lie. He said he was looking so bad and “feeling weird” because of stress and his inability to sleep.
I should have known better because right before he came to see me he told me he was going to get some crack and asked me if I wanted any … “JUST KIDDING!” Yeah, right. I’m naive to hard drugs to I believed him.

* We were on my bed cuddling and watching a movie when Daddy pressured me into having sex with him and to do so with no condom .. and then to do so with no pulling out. He told me he was not concerned about me getting pregnant because he wanted me to be. He wanted me to have his baby. He had been pressuring me to having his baby for 3 days now. Though my heart was screaming “No! You will regret this!” I gave in. I felt so weak, and for some reason I just could not speak up for myself. It was like I was mute.

* Daddy and I sat around smoking weed, getting drunk and having lots of unprotected sex for days. I had become comfortable with him not pulling out of me at this point.

* We fought off and on and broke up off and on. I continued to drink and smoke to deal with the pain and frustration of dealing with this hot and cold crazy man. I was never much of a drinker as I prefer smoking, but at this point I was drinking LOTS.

* I took a morning after pill.

* Halloween is my favorite holiday. I drank hard alcohol, smoked like mad (yes Bridgette once LOVED her some green) and partied like a rock star on October 30, 31, Nov 1.

* Nov 3 I went to the bathroom and saw an old, nearly expired pregnancy test lying on the counter. I peed on it just for the hell of it. I wasn’t expecting to be pregnant because I had taken the morning after pill on time. The result: PREGNANT!
First reaction: “Oh. my. fucking. god.”
Second reaction: *remembering how much I had been drinking and smoking all along* “Oh my god, my baby is going to be retarded” (for lack of better word at the time)

To be continued …