Dating a single parent always seemed less than ideal. I would hear words like “baggage”, “damaged goods” thrown around along with the unappealing idea of taking care of someone else’s child.

A beautiful and wonderful woman who happened to also be a single mommy took me under her wing while I cried and bitched and she told me as far as men go “Don’t even worry about that. When you have that baby, and even when you become visibly pregnant, you won’t be able to walk out of the door without men throwing themselves at you. Trust me you’re going to do fine”.
And she went on to tell me her theories why a high caliber of men were attracted to single mothers and how she had no problems getting into dating when she was ready.

I listened and believed her, but I didn’t think the same would happen for me .. until this past week when for former male acquaintances saw me with my son and asked me out.

So strange it all happened the same.

Them: “Oh wow so you have a baby now?”
Me: “Yeah this is my son”
Them: “Wow that’s truly amazing. I had no idea! How do you like being a mom? Are things much different for you?”
Me: “I love being a mom! My son is the greatest thing that ever happened … and things are very different. There’s always change when you become responsible for another human being. Majority of it’s good change. I’m still the same, but more grown up .. I have to be you know?”
Them: “Yeah totally that’s awesome. So you’re not all that wild anymore, huh?”
Me: “Noo .. I’m kinda boring now actually”
Them: *laughs* “No never! Are you with his father? Do you guys have a good relationship?”
Me: “No we are no longer together. Our relationship is fine yes” (I never speak negatively about my BD to people and I never let them know what our relationship is like in detail. I’d prefer to avoid him in conversation all together.)
Them: “That’s really good. So wow it’s great to see you again .. Look I know things may be a little busy for you now, but I’m wondering if there’s a chance I could take you out sometime? Maybe dinner or something?”

Four days in a row .. lol. Wow,what’s the deal? I find it very flattering especially during a time in my life where I’m finally beginning to value my self-worth again and I am working on my self esteem to know I “got it” and know that I can move on from certain men and there will always be more out there to choose from, me with a kid and all.

But all the same I’m not ready to date. I’m not completely happy with myself nor am I all that confident. While I’m getting my life together everything is still a mess right now while I’m learning how to be the sole parent of a beautiful baby boy. He’s the only man I have time for in my life now. Plus I’m not in a hurry to ax my title as “Single” right now.

What I am in a hurry to ax are my lonely feelings. The number of friends I have are so low now. Even those who I thought could be true I’ve learned aren’t that interested in hanging out with me if it’s not in a bar or club and that’s just totally not my scene anymore. IS there anyone out there who enjoys laid back things anymore? OR any women who enjoy having relaxed girl’s nights without constantly tagging their uninvited boyfriends alone so they have someone to make out with all night?

Let’s hope I find out!

Saying I’m alone could be a huge stretch, I do have family members, most of which are excited about my child .. but I’m not exactly close with my family because I’m not much like them and I don’t agree with how they see a lot of things. I think about some of their beliefs being put in my baby’s head and it scares the crap out of me. For instance it pisses me off that my mom is already being so prejudice and she doesn’t understand just how much it offends me when she says she hopes she doesn’t have a “white” grand baby. She hopes it looks a certain way, acts a certain, doesn’t acknowledge that not only is it black, it’s half-Italian too .. WTF?! The baby is half-white, that’s just a fact. And if it does come out looking more like Daddy than it does me what’s it matter? It’s still my child and still her grandchild.
Also she basically just wants to take my child away because she believes my whole lifestyle is just wrong and that I would fill my own child up with “foolishness”. Because I’m open-minded? Because I’m accepting of others? Because I’m fun-loving? Why? She never answers.

*As for my friends? Well, they can’t imagine what I’m going through so they can’t understand and have nothing to say. Therefore I have no one to talk to.

*My baby’s father is a loser meth-addict who never deserved me to begin with and doesn’t deserve our child, but at the same time he’s hurting us so much because my baby needs it’s father .. especially if it’s a little boy. I have no male role models for him. Why can’t he get his shit together? He got everything he wanted .. he got me pregnant and he’s tied to me forever now. So how can he not give a shit right now? Your wish came true and you don’t want to man up? What was the point? Why did you go through so much trouble to lie and impress me? Was it all just for the extra drama in your life? WTF, dude?!

*The fucking economy sucks. I’m self employed and lately work sucks when it used to be booming. I’ve been surviving off my savings which are dwindling. How can I raise a child in this? Right now I have nothing to give. I can barely afford to feed myself AND keep a roof over my head. How can I feed and house myself and my little kiddo too? Right now I’m working 2 jobs 24/7, just napping when I can trying to make ends meet ..

*I’m tired of people judging me and feeling sorry for me or like they’re better than me because I’m a single mom, alone and pregnant. I can’t even hold a conversation with a guy in a friendly way without him assuming I’m on the hunt for a replacement of a baby’s daddy. I have a baby, not a disease. Why is it assumed that I NEED a man? Why is it assumed I made all the wrong choices in life, that I have a MISTAKE growing inside of me and my life is just headed nowhere but down … like I’m a pity to be around.

*Lastly, I thought I had a man who understood it all. Someone who got me and was on a level with me like no one else was. I did something with him that I never do .. I fell inlove. He told me he wanted me, told me he wanted my baby which I asked him repeatedly not to say but he swore he meant it all. I gave myself to him and what did he do? He left me and broke my heart almost right away. Saying he wanted me and the baby only hurts because I feel lied to and used. Why did he do that? What was the point? I just can’t understand how he keeps talking to me now swearing he loves me so much, yet he no longer wants me. He wants me in the future, but he doesn’t want me now. Why not? What’s suddenly so wrong with me? It kills me because I can’t make sense of it.

How do I handle all of this? I don’t know. I still wake up every morning, my heart is still beating .. so I guess I’m making it. How long can I go on? I have no idea.

I’m trying to be strong and go on, I’m trying to see the brighter side. For short moments I connect with this little one inside of me and I break down crying. I want all the best, I want to be a great mom and so far everything is just so freaking lousy. So the night is darkest just before the dawn .. when will I see my dawn?