He is currently in daycare which has been freeing up a little bit of time for me to work and this month it has paid off. I’ve done really well and am trying to get back on my feet. I had been planning to move into a nice, larger apartment in a different complex once my lease was up in August, but yesterday the apartment manager called me and told me the city is expanding the freeway next to my apartment and that they are tearing out our parking lot and would be working directly infront of my place. So to compensate for this she offered me a larger, newly renovated apartment for the same rate I’m paying on my studio and also free moving and moving equipment that she would arrange for me. I just have to be out of the studio by Monday and I have to sign a year long lease on the new place. I was looking forward to moving away from here, but I honestly think that’s an offer I can’t pass up. It’s an upgrade and very little financial responsibility on me to get the move off. So I save moving costs and about $200 a month on rent that I was planning on paying. This complex is not my fave because some neighbors are annoying and some units are infested with roaches .. but I can’t really complain. I just hope I have decent neighbors and little or no pests.

Yeah he was my boyfriend, at least that’s the agreement that we made. But we had only been dating 2 weeks before we had sex for the first time and made my son. By the time we made it to 1 month we were over, and 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. No we weren’t fuck buddies, but what we had was not what I thought it would be going into everything and then what I got out of us certainly was NOT what I wanted (not really my son .. but the fact that I got impregnated by an abusive, drug addicted, deadbeat loser which lead to me being a single mother. I never wanted this).

Although I’m happy about the outcome, I can’t help but think how much heartache and misery could have been avoided if I didn’t give in to his pressure and said no. If I just felt him out much longer than the chase and found out what kinda person he was. It wasn’t until he got me for life (by getting me pregnant) that he let it all hang out. And I fuckin hate that. I feel like a fool, like not only did I fuck myself I fucked my son out of the great Dad he deserves.

I’ve had this pressure problem beyond Daddy. Being into guys, yet not ready to be sexual but giving in to the pressure anyway. I’m never happy when this happens, but I’ve been weak. I’ve lacked self-esteem.

I’ve written all of this just to say that I’ve been connecting with a guy, not to date or be with, but a new friend who just so happens to be gorgeous (like 30-something-Brad Pitt- didn’t-have-nothin-on-this-guy-gorgeous) and I’ve enjoyed having an innocent 6th grade crush on.

Anyway, we were chilling this morning and basically he said to me that he’s really into me and was wondering if I’d like to to take things to a more sexual level, that we could date but mostly be exclusive fuck friends since he’s too busy with his career to have a serious girlfriend.
Now this was tempting for me because like I said GORGEOUS!!! and he’s done some modeling .. I can see he’s definitely packing large and damn would I love to give him a try (especially since my postpartum libido has been off the charts). But I just couldn’t. It doesn’t feel right anymore. I held strong to my personal vows and said no .. it’s not what I’m looking for right now. I meant that, I held onto it and I felt great about it.

It may sound like nothing, and what any lady would do but I am so proud of myself. It’s just another thing that’s showing me that I really am changing. That I really am getting better. That I really do value myself more. That I really am becoming a strong woman and mother.

While sex is great, and I deserve lots of great sex, I also deserve a great man. I deserve to be loved truly and I deserve to be committed to. For more than just a toy.

I have faith I will get that some day. When I’m ready.

For one, I just noticed that all of the toxic people in my life have been weeded out in some way or another. The last few people that I held on to because of boredom, familiarity, or just to have someone are gone and it feels so good.

The guy I’ve been seeing, the guy I occasionally mention here but never talk about because I’ve always been aware he was no one special and we were going no where, is GONE. And I’m happy. I feel peaceful. I’m so relieved to be 100% single instead of “mostly single”.
I no longer give a shit what Daddy is doing and why he is not here. I don’t miss him at all And I’m, for once, being completely honest when I say that.
I’m happy to finally be free of all drama. Especially drama that involves men.

I’m eating better. I’m exercising. I’m spending more quality time with my son, and he’s growing like a weed turning out to be an amazing, smart and healthy baby. I feel good, content. I’m becoming happy with myself and with my life. It’s been nearly a year since I’ve felt completely OK. I feel like things are looking up me.

No, life isn’t perfect. I’m taking a lesson in frugal living right now as it’s been predicted that the forthcoming months will be tough on us financially. But I feel humbled and optimistic. I will do whatever I can to keep a roof over our head, my bills paid, our tummies fed and my son in clean clothes and diapers.
I see this as a chance for me to grow up and stop spending emotionally. Also a realization that money won’t always come easy, and that I really do need to pay off my credit card debt once and for all. Monthly payments to cards suck.

I’m in a total nesting mode. My apartment is so cluttered and unorganized. It’s making things feel so cramped so I’m working on this now, then I plan to redecorate. Arrgh. Back to it before Jack wakes up!

I reflected on all I had eaten that day. One large bowl of cereal for breakfast followed by frozen pizza, rice krispies treats snacks, 1 fillet of fried fish with tarter sauce, 1 plate of nachos, 1 beef and cheese sandwich from Arby’s along with two orders of curly fries, 1 pint of chocolate ice cream, and probably a couple of things I’m forgetting.

What a loser. I felt like crap and here I was steadily gaining weight each Doctor visit. I’ve currently gained 50lbs this pregnancy which makes me nearly 100 lbs overweight and at first I didn’t care. But I quickly realized that night that it’s one thing to do this to myself .. to ruin my body and my health but I realized that I’m also doing it to my baby. Jakobe doesn’t have a choice in how he eats through me and already I’m getting him off to a bad start. Already I’m putting him in bad health.

Wow. I feel like a bad mother. No I don’t exercise and throughout the pregnancy I’ve rarely taken my prenatal vitamins (until more recently). And though I hate to admit it I’ve even smoked a couple of times.

I decided that night to make a change. Not only for myself but for my baby and I have I’m 2 days in.

I plan to exercise as well. To get back in the habit of lifting weights and to walk. Every thing has to be permanent this time. From now until way after I’ve given birth with what I feed him. Not just to look good, but to feel better and to be healthy and raise my baby. I’m doing it I swear!

Wish me luck!