Thanks!
Mandy

Answer: Mandy – first of all I want to say you are a great friend for researching ways to help your friend out through this highly emotional time of her life. The only thing I can say is be a shoulder she can cry on and a listening ear for her to vent her pain. Whenever possible do things to help her take her mind off things .. go to the movies, shopping, whatever she finds fun.

That’s about all my friends were able to do for me that help, like most painful things it in life, this too takes time to heal. I was broken my whole pregnancy and much of the first few months after I had the baby. To be honest I was never my same self after it all. In some ways I’m stronger. I learned some life lessons, I have a beautiful, brilliant little boy, and there are remnants of the old me … but but overall I’m a fucked up person. Kinda like being traumatized. I’m now bipolar and need medication to get through most days. My son’s father and I are close now and I still get angry and lash out on him about the past. I don’t know when I will ever stop feeling this way and I’m not sure if this outcome would have been avoidable or not.
It may be beneficial to suggest her some professional therapy to help out. Maybe some other single moms will read this and comment more helpful tips for your situation.

Good luck and best wishes to your friend.

Ohhh .. I gave in and called Daddy, but got no answer, no voicemail. That’s odd, huh? Again, I had no reason to call I just wanted to. *shrug* I had nothing to say. I wonder what’s up with that though. What’s going on in this crazy, dramatic life of his? Not that it matters, but does he remember he’s having a baby? If so what is he thinking? Does he know its getting close to time? Almost halfway there and he’ll have a baby son or daughter. How could he want to miss this? I don’t get it, but whatever.

The others are unfortunately about Daddy. In some of them he calls me, in some of them he doesn’t. Either way I wake up hot, sweaty, and disappointed in the realization of my reality.

Ugh, I just want a break from thinking about him and the baby. It’s hard enough to take my mind off either for 5 minutes when I’m awake. Why must these thoughts transfer over to when I’m sleeping? Gosh, I miss my old life so much. I miss my thought train before last Monday. I was over the break up with Daddy, was going out with my friends and had really not a care in the world. Now I worry about and over-analyze/over-think everything.

When I fall asleep I have even started watching movies so I can concentrate on them and not my situation. Horror movies even … hell, I’d love to dream about Jason chasing me for once or Freddy sucking my brains out! Anything is better than dreaming about Daddy at this point, but no success! LOL! I guess real life nightmares are worse than regular nightmares.

Anyway .. arggh the cravings begin. I want pancakes, a bacon egg and cheese sandwich, hash browns and orange juice right now. NOMNOMNOMNOM. I think I’ll grab a bag of breakfast junk and go hang out with my mama for the day.

Am I gonna bitch about Daddy this entry? Eh, not really cause I don’t feel like its him this time. Right now I’m like who gives a fuck about him. I’m not even sure why I’ve wanted him to call so bad. To show he cares of course, but what do we really have to talk about? Mention the baby? Why keep in touch? I hate him actually, he’s scum and I don’t wanna hear about his pathetic life. Plus I remembered that whenever I wanted to talk about the baby when we were speaking to one another he said “Don’t worry about the baby. We have plenty of time to do that. I have other things I need to focus on for now” Like court? Drugs? Your ex-girlfriend? Picking up new girls online who fall for your charm and goodlooks yet fail to realize how much of a loser you are? Meeting new connections? Wondering how the hell at 26 years old you’ve failed at life so epically? I guess … I wish you nothing but the worst.

Gah, cramps And I wanna cry. But I refuse to cry without a purpose. So now I’m giggling. Giggling with tears welling up in my eyes.

I wonder what I’ll have for dinner today. I’m not feeling very hungry. I don’t cook .. I suck at it and … I just don’t feel like it right now. I’m still in my mood.

Maybe I should get out of the house tonight. I can go to the bookstore, sip a frappucinno and read a book about being a mommy. Or maybe I shouldn’t do that. I’m sick of thinking about the baby. No offense baby .. but you’ve been on my mind for over a week now. This is overload. But then the cycle starts again. What else should I be thinking about?

I’m in my mood. Nothing else really matters.

Anyway, one thing Scottie and I have in common now is that we’re both currently experiencing parenthood. He and his “girl thing” (I call her that cause I have no idea what their relationship is) are having a baby. He says she’s being really psycho and obsessive with him and has been trying to force him in situations using the baby. He says he’s trying his best to be there for her and the baby despite all of that, but that it’s getting hard. He admitted that currently he has her on phone block because she won’t stop calling and acting out.

Those two have some serious drama. All of this made me wonder if Daddy would respond to me better if that’s how I acted. He always said he wanted to see me act out in anger because it’s so against my nature. I’m laid back, but when I get mad I handle it like an adult. It takes a whole lot to turn me into a Banshee .. and even as hurt as I am right now he hasn’t crossed that line. Hell, even when he was standing before me, humiliating me infront of an audience at his apartment I kept my cool .. but I was mostly just scared to death of everything then. I didn’t wanna upset him further cause I thought I needed him and I wanted him to stay.

Also Scottie’s situation makes me wonder eve more .. I love Scott to death, he’s been like my brother especially now.. but he’s a druggy, he doesn’t like the mom and says he doesn’t want a kid .. but still he’s trying and he’s there.
I don’t understand why Daddy can’t be like that. Scott tells me not to worry and that Daddy is probably still high/emotional/confused. He’s sure that Daddy will come around eventually and call me soon or at least talk to me. I hope he’s right. I can’t even sleep tonight cause I can’t stop thinking about him. I hate that he has such control over me. I hate that he’s preventing me from enjoying my pregnancy with the kid I’m now so excited about. Ugh. Scottie also told me if all else fails to get ghetto on his ass and call him to cuss him out .. LOL.

Anyway, I’m so hungry. I ate a whole Quiznos sandwich today! YAY!!! I think I’m gonna go to Braum’s and pig out on their breakfast sandwiches here soon since I still can’t sleep. I’ll try to stay up so I can go to Planned Parenthood first thing and start learning all about my rights and what not being single and pregnant since I’m pretty positive now I’m keeping my boy. Awww … MY BOY!

And speaking of my little boy, he has been giving me some killer ass cramps. I read that’s him attaching himself to my body. Ugh they hurt … also my boobs and nipples are starting to get super sore. HERE WE GO! All the pregnancy BS that I dread .. LOL!

I know it’s gonna be so worth it though Anything for my little miracle. Gosh, I can’t wait until he is here and I can hold him in my arms <3

I’m still counting, still caring. How long is he going to ignore us? What’s he doing right now? Does he ever think of me and baby? If so what kind of thoughts cross his mind? Does he still talk about us? If he does what does he say?

Ugh .. why do you have to do this, Daddy? Do you have any idea how much you’re hurting me, killing me right now? What have I ever done to you to make you think I deserve this? For as long as I’ve known you I’ve been nothing but good to you! You tell me about people of your past who have done nothing but wrong you and you still speak to them regularly? What’s the worst I’ve done to you? Not be a bitch enough for you? Not try to kill you? Not cheat on you? Not steal from you? Act like an adult around you? And I deserve the silent treatment?

Maybe you need space, maybe you need to think. Ok, I’m giving you that. But how much are you gonna need before you decide I deserve an acknowledgment that you remember I exist?

Remember when I was at your house and I started crying when you said you think maybe we need an abortion? You comforted me, told me to calm down and that we didn’t have to get one and you’d be ok with that to. You told me not to cry or stress out so much because not only would it hurt me, not only would it hurt you but it would hurt our little one. So why are you purposely stressing me out right now? Are you hoping that it will hurt the little one? Or are you just hoping that it hurts me?

I didn’t ask to be pregnant I’m sorry. If I could go back and change time we would’ve worn a condom that night so I could’ve forgotten about you long ago. But I can’t change time and I am carrying your baby. I have to deal with it. Why can’t you? Don’t you realize we will never go away? Remember when you said no matter what decision we make it effects you too? That’s still valid you know .. so why isn’t this effecting you?

Sigh.

I’ve come to accept that I am pregnant and I am having the baby. It’s just hard to accept that you’re doing this to me. How many more tears am I going to have to cry because of you?

Please just throw me a bone here. Am I going to have to start praying? Asking God for a miracle just so you pick up the phone and dial me to ask about your kid? A miracle just for you to tell me “Ok” you realize that you will be a father in July. To tell me “Yeah, Ok, baby can have my last name. Yeah, Ok, I will spend an hour or two with it on the weekends or every other weekend”

That’s all I fuckin want from you. Why is this so hard?

I got this cocoa butter lotion to start helping with the stretch marks early on incase I do get bigger. It STANKS! Yuck!

Soo .. of course I’m gonna talk about him this entry. But I’ll try to make it short and not too negative. I’m trying not to dwell.

Mentally, so far so good for me. It’s Day 5 .. Daddy still has not called. When will I ever stop counting the days and replaying the past in my head?

Yeah, I’m still bummed, but I am able not to obsess too much about his absence because my 5-year old Myspace account is officially deleted and so is my old screen name. So there’s no way I could sign on to and check either of those obsessively, wondering when he is ever gonna write or message me.
That helped a lot more than I thought it would. He doesn’t know I’m “avoiding” him, I’m just playing the game he loves. I feel like if I know him just a teensy bit he’s gonna wonder why I’m not bugging him any more in about a month or so. Sigh. Maybe longer? It’s a shame if it’ll take that long .. but I’m hoping, praying my heart has meanded over the next week or so so that I can concentrate not on him, but on myself, my child and our well being.

I’m really trying my best to understand where he is coming from and how he may feel right now. I know he has a lot of stress going on in his life which is why he turns to drugs. He’s obviously very fucked up and has been for quite awhile. But he’s 26 years old and should learn how to take his problems head on and not run away like a little coward. But he admitted to me to my face (while high of course) that he’s a coward and doesn’t know how to be a real man which is why he told me the baby and I would be better off without him.
At the same time he’d occasionally second guess that I’m even pregnant and accuse me of just trying to get back with him. He will never accept the fact that I’m not a drama queen kinda girl and that I have my head on straight. But he doesn’t really surround himself with people like me .. so I guess it’s hard to recognize and accept when all you know is trash. It’s funny he thinks I’m the one missing out when in reality he is.

Which makes me wonder .. why do I even care if he cares? I guess I just want him to care just a little bit about his little baby. *shrug*

My friend Dan is amazing. He treats me like I’m something special and that he really cares for me. I feel like not such a monster or lepor when I’m around him. And it’s funny, just whenever I feel like I need a smile or giggle like magic he texts me and says just what I need to hear. When I first told him about my baby, he didn’t judge me not one bit. Instead he offered himself incase I ever need anything or someone to talk to and asked me if I was feeling ok. I love you Dan. You give me so much hope that there are good men still out there. And if my little one turns out to be a boy, I hope I can raise him to be a gentleman like you.

CHOW TIME!!!!

I was a 23 year old single girl living in a small studio apartment in Oklahoma. I was self employed and took great pride in my work .. it was a dream come true to be in the position that I was in and something I always wanted.

Kind of quiet, laid-back and somewhat shy .. but a good quote that applied to me was “Those who don’t know me think I’m shy. Those who do know me wish I were!” I have a handful of good friends that I can talk about anything to, and they know I’m crazy as hell! I’m playful, goofy, and love to make others laugh.

Sometimes I thought about going back to school .. but for what purpose? Not really to get a degree but because I like to learn. I currently have no college degree, but run my business on instinct and brains. So far so good.

My best friend, Steve lives in California. I’ve been telling him from the beginning of time that I’m gonna come see him someday and he can show me around the madness that is Sacramento. Steve always has the best stories to tell about that city and I’m so sure when I do see him I’m gonna have so much fun. This would be my first stop on my traveling venture.

I also want to see NYC!!! Oh so badly. Australia, England, France, Germany, Italy, Japan … I planned to go there.

I liked to date boys and have my fun, but I was fine with being a young single woman. I’ve only experienced love once in my life. It was my ex Brian that I was with for 4 years when I was a teenager. We don’t get along now, but he used to mean the world to me. Since that relationship I hadn’t found a guy worth being another serious boyfriend.

I met my baby’s dad early October or late September of this year. He found me online and thought I was beautiful. We instantly become “connected” and inseparable spending countless hours on the phone, chatting online and all of that. I even ran up a $140 phone bill talking to his ass and I didn’t even care. We really hit it off. Before long he was telling me loved me and I thought “Too soon”, but I did like him in return.

He bought a Greyhound ticket to come see me. I thought he was pretty cute but much better in his pics. In real life he looked very tired, disoriented, thin and had large circles around his eyes. I ignored this cause he told me he had a lot of stress in his life.

We hung out together and had a good time at first. Soon we ended up doing what I thought was “love making”. We had a bond, a connection that I never felt with anyone else during sex. There was passion, it felt great and afterwards we cuddled and went round after round. Matter of fact we went 7 the night we made our baby.

But a day or so later he became moody and we started fighting. I took notice of his bad temper, and he admitted some things to me he never had before. I was turned off and knew despite our connection a relationship between us could not work out. So we broke up. I was disappointed at first – like anyone who goes through a breakup – but I was fine after a little while. I took a morning after pill and thought I’d never have to hear from him again.

But then I learned I was pregnant. Uh oh. I hadn’t talked to him in 3.5 weeks and was not sure how he would take it or if he would even accept a call from me. He did and he was so happy to learn he was gonna be a daddy (he already has a son but I do not know the full story of that because he lies. I know he is not a legal parent over him and signed over his rights … so he says anyway. I’ve never seen the boy and he rarely talks about him, but does claim him.)

This time I went to go visit him. First night was great. He took me ontop of a hill next to a lake and we talked about our baby. He told me “I can’t wait. I hope its a boy. I want a little boy with you soo bad. I don’t really want a girl first but if it is a girl were gonna keep trying until we have a boy! It’s gonna be good. We’re a family now, if you wanna move in with me now you can and I’m gonna work fulltime so I can be there for you and my son ….” blah blah blah on and on a bunch of other lies.

The second day came and things were OK, but these strange people started coming in and out of the apartment. They would not leave and I didn’t want them there. My kid’s dad nervously came out and told me that they were doing meth. I bit my tongue and held in my feelings. I kissed him and said “Ok just don’t do this anymore ok?” He said he wouldnt. He still kissed and caressed me lots and treated me like the mother of his child. Someone he was so proud of.

Day 3 he was running around crazy and paranoid. He had became angry and didn’t even wanna touch me anymore. He looked at me evil and snapped at me. When I woke up that morning he told me he didn’t know if he wanted our baby anymore because he felt he would be a shitty daddy. He told me he didn’t want me anymore because he felt we had no connection, but that I deserved much better than him anyway. He was paranoid of me looking on his computer. Obviously he was cheating. But I guess it’s not cheating if we never really had a chance to have a great, stable relationship in the first place.

He helped me put my things in my car, kissed me goodbye and told me to get an abortion then come back Wednesday (today). He also told me to call him and if I didn’t he wouldn’t call me. (Yeah he was pretty adamant about not only breaking my heart but ripping it out, stomping on it, and completely degrading me that day) Oh yes he also stole $20 from me for drugs. But fuck that $20. I can make many more.

What do you know. It’s Wednesday, the day he wanted me to come back up, and I’ve called him and wrote him a message on Myspace. But he has not wrote me or called me back. If he ever will? I don’t know. I knew he was gonna do this. I asked him about it. And he said “Baby of course I have to talk to you. You have my kid! I’m inside of you now and I can’t ignore that” But he said this the last time.

What’s the point in my telling this story? I dunno. I’m mostly babbling but I guess to see exactly the path my life was going pre-baby. Did I really have something a kid would mess up, or was I on a track that having a kid could force me to turn and head a more positive direction.

Well, my life up until lately has been pretty dull, vanilla and sometimes lonely. But I’ve never had much to complain about .. until I met my kids dad that is LOL.

I don’t see how my kid could really fuck up anything for me .. except it’s gonna be hard to work with an infant in the background. That’s one of the biggest concerns I have.

The other concern is I just wanna forget about my childs daddy. I don’t want to let him in my life ever again. I have done it twice now and he’s fucked up both times and has even hurt me. I don’t wanna see or deal with him ever again. I don’t wanna give him the opportunity to hurt me again. Honestly I learned my lesson the first time we broke up, but when theres a baby in the equation sometimes you become irrational.

But I know that’s not my innocent little baby’s fault. He didn’t choose him as a Daddy and didn’t choose me as a Mommy. We both kinda just choose him through a mistake. But does he even have to really be a mistake? Could he be something that would make my life so worthwhile in just a few months?

Gosh, my baby … sometimes it hurts me to even think about terminating because I feel like my baby knows. And I don’t want my baby to think I don’t want it, or that I can’t love it. Noo baby it’s not true at all. I just don’t want your daddy because I want the best for you I barely know you and already feel like I love you .. but I’m just having such a hard time right now that not too many people understand.