Just like that. He’s gone from our lives. Even if he gets our early he will be 50 years old and my son will be a grown man.

I’m not sure how I feel about all of this. I guess my brain is still processing it all. On one hand I am happy and relieved he’s getting the karma he deserves. On the other I’m so sad, disappointed. scared. I fear how my baby will handle all of this when he’s old enough to understand. How will it make him feel to know the truth? Will he be able to successfully distinguish himself from his father? Will he carry guilt? Will he carry shame?

It all makes me very nervous. I’m just not sure what to do but thankfully I have years to sort that out.

Also, Daddy is a rel piece of work. He just had to do all of this after I put so much work into everything. Especially child support. The same month we were about to make progress he sends himself to prison. He’s just determined not to let me win, huh? (My little joke of the whole thing)

This big boy also throws tantrums. He screams at the top of his lungs when hes unhappy, but he’s also very sweet and smiles, laughs and coos A LOT now.

Also this big boy knows he needs fuel for his big strong body so overnight he went from being satisfied with 4 oz baby bottles to drinking (demanding) 6-8oz big boy bottles.

And wow this big boy cannot fit in my precious baby Jacks clothes anymore. Nope big boy wears size 6-9 even though hes only 2 months old because his body is so long now. He’s doubled in size and strength nearly overnight.

Wow, Big Boy, pleased to meet you. I didn’t see you coming so quickly, and boy did you give my the scare of my life today. You took away my sweet, still little baby and have given me Sid Vicious reincarnated. Just kidding, but you are wild and are keeping me on my toes now. Wow ..I’m a little sad, a little surprised. I didn’t have my tiny baby nearly as long as I would have liked to, but I love you just as much.

And now we take a lesson in baby-proofing ..

So umm .. imagine my surprise when I was woken in the middle of the night by my cell phone only first to see my son completely missing from the Lounger! “OMFG!” I thought “Jack rolled on the floor! But he didn’t make a sound .. is he OK? OMG! He can’t be!”

Except no. Before I could get up to panic I realized that I felt a warmth next to my body, a “bump” beside my gut and a tiny hand resting on my giant boobs. I looked down and …

There he was. Jack had somehow removed himself from the angled Boppy, nestled himself perfectly aligned against my body, tucked himself in and was fast asleep next to me. I shit you not.

What the f* am I gonna do with this kid? How did this happen? He’s just too much!

I’m trying to focus on my little boy for now and there’s so much to focus on. For one, my god, he’s getting so big and it feels like time is just flying. He is so long, so strong, so grown minded and full of personality. He’s smiling and laughing now! What sets him off? I’m not too sure. Sometimes he will look at me and coo, giggle and make me feel like the luckiest woman in the world .. and then other days he will look at me like “Bish, get up out my face”.

Maybe because he realizes his mom is out of her mind.

For two, he’s already trying to stand and climb. Roll over and crawl. He’s so determined, yet his inexperience and tiny body are still holding him back just a little. He’s been attempting these things since birth. I swear he was only a bump on a log for maybe a day.

*~*Join Me While I Babble On About More Mommyness Below*~*

I took these pics the other day and I can’t help but squeal and spasm uncontrollably into all kinds of jerky “proud, happy mommy” moves. He’s so handsome and photogenic even through my shitty Nokia XpressMusic cameraphone! I often consider trying to enroll him in some sort of baby modeling, but I’m not really one to pimp out my child. I figure it’s not really his choice so why put him into something he might not want or enjoy? One of my main goala as a mother is not to force my son to be anything I want him to be. I only hope to influence him positively to be the best he can be, and achieve the things he would like to achieve.

Lastly, I’m sitting here staring at his face while he sleeps and I swear everyday he looks more and more like his dad. How he can look at our son’s face and still tell me he needs a paternity test is beyond me. The uncanniness still blows me away. Jack looks absolutely nothing like me, although there are days when for a split second he will make a face and look like Baby Bridgette That’s amazing to see.

But you know what? After all of this bullshit, come 5-10 years from now if I’m not close to being married or in a loving, stable relationship I honestly want Daddy’s sperm for more children. I know it sounds crazy, but dammit if we don’t make great babies together. Beautiful, smart, amazing babies.

Ok, this is SO much harder than I thought it was going to be .. being a single mama to an infant. I never thought it was going to be easy, but damn it’s tough!

Jack and I are still staying with my mom while I heal from labor and I don’t know how it’s going to work when we come home. She relieves me for about 2 or 3 hours at night to get some sleep but during the day I’m on my own unless an aunt stops by to help out and wow it’s been so difficult trying to get back into the swing of things. I have no time to work nor do I have time to care for my self because the only way my son will be quiet most of the time is if I’m holding him, soothing him. I held him for 10 hours straight yesterday. He’s been sick lately with serious gas, lots of poops and tummy aches .. has has a doctor appointment tomorrow.
My mom and I don’t even cook so we eat fast food every day and man do I feel like crap. And it’s not helping me get rid of these 60 lbs of baby weight (and big fat gut and ass) any faster.

My mom and I are starting to butt heads because lately she keeps commenting on how horrible of a parent I am to Jack. If I swaddle him I’m torturing him cause it’s a baby straight jacket. If I give him gas drops to make him feel better it’s my fault that he broke out in a rash from something unknown last night. If I let him cry a little instead of stuffing a bottle in his mouth to shut him it’s neglect. It’s my fault she has an infestation of roaches that may crawl on the baby’s bottles. Grr.

The reason I’m home now is because I was watching my son. He was really cranky but he kept yawning so I said to him “Baby go to sleep! You’re tired and mommy is tired! Let’s rest!”

My mom overheard me and came in the room to snatch my baby away and said “Sorry, grandson, you got a mama who has no sense and doesn’t know how to treat you.
I told her to just shut it with the crap she pulls and give me my son back, but she said “No I’m keeping him” and locked herself up in her room with him .. so I came home to cool off and not scare my baby.

I’m surprised she went there especially since the other night I caught her yelling at my baby as he cried saying “Shut up boy! All you do is cryin like a little sissy and I’m tired of listening to you”

I was so pissed and asked her never to speak to my baby like that again. I’m never mean to my son and always gives him my very best.

I seriously feel like it’s time for Jack and I to come home but I don’t know how I’m going to survive.

Wish me luck mamas!

- I can no longer go to the rest room in peace and quiet. I better get lucky and coincidentally go when the baby is sleeping. If he isn’t I have to drag him in there and soothe him while he cries also rushing the process of my duties. Taking a shower and brushing my teeth? Forget about it. I have to find the time for these things.

- When I’m hungry the baby comes first. Again I can’t eat until he sleeps or is completely satisfied that he’ll quietly sit in his Boppy while mommy quickly stuffs her face! Enjoying food is kinda out of the question these days.

- As far as sleeping goes I get in where I fit in. If I’m tired with nothing to do at the time I’ll nap while he naps. If I’m sleeping good and my baby wakes up I just can’t tune him out like I would everything else. I must drag my sleepy ass out of bed and tend to his needs no matter how hard it is! Which, for a sleep lover like me who has been deprived the last 5 months or so, is very hard!

- Changing the diapers of a fussy, squirming baby is actually very hard to do! So is bathing and dressing one! My son absolutely hates being naked for any reason.

- Being puked on, peed on, drooled on, sneezed on, farted on and pooped on by another human being no longer disgusts me. In fact I typically smell like a mixture of these things + baby products and it doesn’t even phase me. Although it’s not ideal, I’ve learned to be OK with it lol.

Despite how all of this seems my son is a good baby and only cries when he really needs something like a change or a feeding or if he just wants me. Thank god I don’t have a little nightmare! I just have a little attached boy who seems to love his mommy very much right away. And the feeling I get when I look at his pretty face, witness how much he settles down when I scoop him in my arms or feel him tightly wrap his tiny arms and hands around my neck when I’m putting him to sleep makes all of this “inconvenience” more than OK

VISITORS:

Family and friends being super excited and adoring the new baby is to be expected and hell it makes me feel special to see all the love he receives. All the same I’ve learned that I’m a selfish mom. Though yeah I do want a break at times, it bothers me to have visitors touching all on my boy and doing their annoying little things with him.

- Don’t touch him with your germy hands without washing first. You do know that after he grabs on to your finger that you didn’t wash he puts his hand in his mouth, right? I’m sorry I don’t know where your finger has been and I don’t wanna find out through some virus my son gets!

- Don’t kiss him all over his face. Again where have your lips been and on who? Are you sick? I don’t wanna find out!

- Don’t offer to change his diapers and rub all over his privates. It bugs the shit out of me. I hate it. I guess I feel like it’s ok for other people to change him, but it’s a violation of his privacy for them to actually touch him down there!

I get annoyed with everyone’s “advice”. Really why don’t people figure that no one loves to be lectured all the time and basically told they’re a shitty parent who doesn’t know what they’re doing? I mean yeah if there’s a toy or something out tht has been proven to kill babies tell me, but don’t walk in the door and criticize me for how I hold him, how I feed him, how I put him to sleep, etc … I’m not being too rough. I’m not going to choke him I swear. And if he gets a little spoiled by falling asleep on my chest it’s Ok, I’ll deal with it. It’s a personal bonding time that both he and I enjoy.

-Also I hate when visitors were doing all of the above and I snatched my son from them, my aunt actually had the nerve to say “Oh you see him all of the time, let someone else hold him” while trying to pry him out of my arms. HEY! He’s my baby, not a toy. I will hold him if I want no matter if I do it a lot or not, I’m entitled to continue it!

Gosh, I sound like a bitter bitch, but really I’m not. People bug! I guess it’s all instinct of being a mother. Protective, a germaphobe, wanting the best for my tiny little person …

Lastly, a because in just a week I’m already SUCH a freakin mom .. pics of my baby

It’s not hard to see why I was so into him. He made his move on me at a perfect time. I was hurt and vulnerable over the reality that my dreams were not going to come true with Daddy. I was not going to have a perfect family, with a perfect, loving mother and father joined with a perfect baby. I was not going to be Mrs. Cleaver 2009. And I was accepting that. No, I wasn’t looking for immediate love nor was I looking for a immediate replacement father for my child, but I was looking for a friend. Someone I could confine in and talk to about everything. Someone who would listen and uunderstand. Someone who would comfort me and wipe away me tears.He was there.
He was amazing and he was my rock. He would comfort me, support me and he made me see the good in every thing. Not only that he made me feel beautiful, he made me feel special. He was a guy who was there caring for me when other guys were running because they expect the worst from pregnant chicks. How could I have not fallen inlove with him? That all makes sense. He was perfect. But not really.

All of this .. all I’ve went through with men in the past and present, everything I’ve witnessed and learned about relationships .. it all inspires me to work harder to be an excellent mom. I have a little man who I am in charge of raising. What type of man he will be solely relies on me and I refuse to fail. I refuse to add on to the asshole population. I refuse to have a poor girl 18 years from now feel the way I do by actions of my boy. It’s just not going to happen.

Not to this perfect little boy who is my strength. This perfect little boy who is the reason I’m living right now and look forward to life. The perfect little boy who is the reason I’m up at 5:13 working when I’d rather be sleeping.

And from this moment on I push forward leaving back the past, but not forgetting what it has taught me. From this moment on I push forward not only for myself but for my perfect baby boy.