I don’t know what to make of any of this. I don’t know what to do with what I’m thinking or all these different emotions .. from each end of the spectrum that I’m feeling. I don’t even know how to articulate them.

He wants to make it happen this week.

I don’t know. I don’t know.

We shall see.

I’m still counting, still caring. How long is he going to ignore us? What’s he doing right now? Does he ever think of me and baby? If so what kind of thoughts cross his mind? Does he still talk about us? If he does what does he say?

Ugh .. why do you have to do this, Daddy? Do you have any idea how much you’re hurting me, killing me right now? What have I ever done to you to make you think I deserve this? For as long as I’ve known you I’ve been nothing but good to you! You tell me about people of your past who have done nothing but wrong you and you still speak to them regularly? What’s the worst I’ve done to you? Not be a bitch enough for you? Not try to kill you? Not cheat on you? Not steal from you? Act like an adult around you? And I deserve the silent treatment?

Maybe you need space, maybe you need to think. Ok, I’m giving you that. But how much are you gonna need before you decide I deserve an acknowledgment that you remember I exist?

Remember when I was at your house and I started crying when you said you think maybe we need an abortion? You comforted me, told me to calm down and that we didn’t have to get one and you’d be ok with that to. You told me not to cry or stress out so much because not only would it hurt me, not only would it hurt you but it would hurt our little one. So why are you purposely stressing me out right now? Are you hoping that it will hurt the little one? Or are you just hoping that it hurts me?

I didn’t ask to be pregnant I’m sorry. If I could go back and change time we would’ve worn a condom that night so I could’ve forgotten about you long ago. But I can’t change time and I am carrying your baby. I have to deal with it. Why can’t you? Don’t you realize we will never go away? Remember when you said no matter what decision we make it effects you too? That’s still valid you know .. so why isn’t this effecting you?

Sigh.

I’ve come to accept that I am pregnant and I am having the baby. It’s just hard to accept that you’re doing this to me. How many more tears am I going to have to cry because of you?

Please just throw me a bone here. Am I going to have to start praying? Asking God for a miracle just so you pick up the phone and dial me to ask about your kid? A miracle just for you to tell me “Ok” you realize that you will be a father in July. To tell me “Yeah, Ok, baby can have my last name. Yeah, Ok, I will spend an hour or two with it on the weekends or every other weekend”

That’s all I fuckin want from you. Why is this so hard?

But its obvious either way he’s ignoring me. So I put the ball in his court. I told him I’m keeping our little baby and jsut called to see what his thoughts were and what he wanted to do as the Daddy.

I wonder how long he will ignore me this time? It pisses me off that every time he’s angry at me he just ignores me instead of calling it off or telling me whats on his mind? UGH it’s not fair. Especially since this time it’s not just ME, it’s me and our kiddo.

Anyway, I suppose I’m feeling a little better. Trying to see the bright side of having my little one. I don’t hate my baby, think that he or she is negative, or that any of this is his or her fault. I’m just trying to figure out if any of t his is worth it. To be honest a week ago I didn’t even wanna be a mom or figured if i were gonna be one I’d wait many many years from now.

Look at me now. Pregnant by someone I don’t even love, and was only in a relationship with 1 month. I feel so pathetic.

On Friday when I left the Dad of my kid I was very emotional and wrote him a long ass letter on myspace basically telling him I love him and was trying to encourage him not to give up and overcome his obstacles for our child. I regret that now, because at the time I was just biting my tongue while he insulted me, disrespected me and had randomly just kicked me and our little one out of his life like it was nothing.

Its Tuesday and no response. I’m so sick of signing into that damn site just to see if he has replied yet. Many wonder why I even care .. and well I wonder that too. So I deleted my account. The same one I’ve had for 4 or 5 years. It’s the only way I think I can help heal right now.

I’m also going to chance my Yahoo account too .. cause I still obsessively check to see if he’s messaged me at all.

*shrug*

Sigh.

I managed to go through most of the day with my head held up high. But tonight about 2 hours ago I started panicing and having a change of heart.

I can’t stop thinking about the father of my child. I hate his fucking guts. I wish nothing but bad karma and unhappiness for him. I hope every moment he has alone he is thinking of me and our baby. But I doubt it. I’d love more than anything to know whats going on in his head. Why does he hate me? Why did he feel the need to abuse me and kick me out of his life like I am nothing when I am carrying his child?

How can he go from being so excited about our baby one day and the next telling me to get rid of it and saying he doesn’t wanna be there for us?

Everything would be a lot easier for me right now if I did not regret him. I think about my baby. how am I going to manage the rest of my life being connected to this major asshole? How am I ever gonna stand the feeling of breaking my child’s heart when he asks me “Where is my daddy?” and I have to explain to him that his daddy does not want him? How am I ever gonna suffer through this pregnancy alone and being a single mother giving up my free life as I know while his ass gets off scotch free? It’s not fair.

Now I’m wondering if all by myself I can even provide the best life for my child that it deserves? It’s like I have no options. I think about an abortion and killing my baby .. I break down and cry I can;t do it.

I think about carrying my baby for 9 months, bonding with it an handing it over to a couple who wants to adopt it and I cry.

I think about not giving my kid the life it deserves as a single mom and i cry.

WHAT THE FUCK CAN I DO?!

I’m so devestated right now that all I can do is cry. I just can’t come up with a solution.

I feel like the biggest scum of the earth right now for putting myself and especially my child in this position. Its not that I don’t want my baby its jsut that I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing or what i need to do.

I’m so sorry baby!!