Sick Single Mom
Posted on | February 3, 2010 | 2 Comments
I think one of the hardest parts of being a single parent is when you come down with an illness and yet you’re the only person there to care for your child.
Saturday I randomly came down what I believe to be the flu and I feel so horrible. 104 fever, chills, cough/chest congestion, stuffy nose, super sore throat, body aches. It was so hard to get through and take care of my child. I would die if I passed this along to him. I had to actually call my mom and let her come over and care for he and I. That was not something I wanted to do, but I had to put the well-being of my child before my feelings against her. Eh. we’ll see how things go this time around.
It was also a nightmare trying to chase after my baby, him fully taking advantage of me being slow and my inability to speak by getting into any and every thing he could. It tired me out, made me feel faint and worse of all made me lose my temper.
How do other single parents handle being sick AND taking care of the children?
Day Care (I think I found the one!)
Posted on | January 29, 2010 | 4 Comments
I think I found the perfect day care for Jack. At least I hope I have. I tried to use mommy instinct and empathy when making my decision. I remember what it was like being 3 or 4 years old and my mom dropping me off at day cares. The ones that were no fun, had mean teachers and overall just made me feel miserable. I really wanted to do my best to pick the opposite for Jack.
So for my search ..
Day Care#1 was a sty. It was disgusting. I mean toys (the toys it did have like 3 little pieces and 6 children had to share them), the equipment was from the 1980s and the place reaked of mildew. Eww no thanks.
Day Care#2 Seemed really nice at first until the teacher who was telling me about their policy repeatedly interrupted to yell at one little baby boy to “LAY DOWN! NOW!”. Definite NO!
Day Care#3 Wasn’t really bad per say. I just didn’t get a comfortable feeling about it.
Day Care#4 is the one I believed to be the one. The Director seemed genuinely nice and patient, as did the teachers. The babies seemed to love them and it was a clean environment that everyone seemed to be having fun in. Plus it wasn’t too big, so my son would be able to get attention and I felt like overall it was a place he could have fun in while mommy is away. I just didn’t get any bad feelings there at all. Hope I’m right.
I honestly can’t wait for him to start. There’s so much that needs to be done around here that I simply have no time or energy to do. I’m just a bit disappointed that their opening isn’t until the beginning of March, but since I felt so confident wit them I figured it would be worth the wait and put down a deposit.
Day Care
Posted on | January 26, 2010 | 2 Comments
I’m kinda stressed right now and trying to get my life on track. Since my son was born I don’t get to work as much as I need to to keep us afloat. I make enough to pay the bills but anything extra comes out of my savings and now my savings is $100. I need a new car, I need us out and into a larger apartment by July or August and I need a way to be able to afford my medical bills if Medicaid won’t extend my coverage for another couple months until I can afford private insurance. Grr.
Ontop of all else my mom and I had a fight (like always lately) and I decided to cut her out of our lives until she gets her attitude adjusted.
I’ve been putting up with her bullshit since I had the baby. She treats me like I’m so stupid and such a burden to her when I rarely ever ask her for anything. Sunday morning I woke up in terrible pain which I thought I would have to go back to the hospital for so I called her and asked her to come watch my son and drop me off there. She came over bitching saying I’m ruining her life by calling her just because I’m in pain and since he’s my son I need to deal with him whether I’m in pain or not. On top of that she told me she wouldn’t take my to the hospital but she called 911 and told the EMSA to come get me even though I told her NOT to since I don’t need another $1400 medical bill.
I told her I wouldn’t treat her this way if she needed me and to think about how she would feel if I did treat her this way. She didn’t listen to one word I was saying and told me to shut up because she’s sick of me. That’s when I kicked her ass out and told her I don’t wanna see her and she’s not allowed to see my baby again. He doesn’t need to be around that type of toxic shit or witness anyone treat his mother like that infront of him time and time again. I guess obviously she didn’t take me seriously because she called me about 50 times yesterday, then she drove my aunt over and asked her to ask me if she could come up. I pretty much laughed at her and gave a big fat NO! If anything she needs time to think about how shes acting and how she can change. IF she doesn’t feel the need to change then we really don’t need her negativity.
……….
Anyway, so that’s the deal with my mom. Since she nor any of my family can watch my son reliably for me while I work I decided to enroll him in day care. This is so fricken hard! First of all it’s hard to find one I feel comfortable with. One where the workers seem nice andthe environment seems fun, safe and sanitary.
Second of all it’s hard to think about leaving him with strangers for a few hours a day. He’s been by my side since he was born so he has an attachment to me. I wonder which of us it’s going to be harder for. I’m sure he will be able to adapt faster. I did 2 tours today, got one more in a couple of hours and another on Thursday then I will make my decision which will hopefully be the right one.
I know in the end it will be good for me and him. I will be able to make a living for us, get a break/much needed rest and run errands. He will be able to gain a bit of independence and make new friends/be around people his age. Those are all good things right?
….
I’m trying to think if anything new is going on with Jack.
- Eating solids 3x a day now. Thinking about introducing him to finger foods like cooked apples or something because he wants to feed himself.
- He understands no and is starting to learn what is OK and what is wrong. He knows he’s wrong to go into the bathroom or kitchen without mommy. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t try to sneak in anyway.
- He has his big boy bed. Initially it was hard to transition him over from cosleeping, but he spends long hours in the bed now.
- He has a love of being naked. I had to buy him overalls because he loves to take off his pants and diaper when I’m not looking. Just like his dad LOL.
That’s about all I can think of for now.
20 Years
Posted on | January 14, 2010 | 12 Comments
So it happened and I guess this is the end of our saga. I found out earlier this week that Daddy plead guilty to 5 charges of rape (and the person he raped is worse than I originally though .. and much, much younger.) + 1 charge of drug possession. He will spend 20 years of his life in prison.
Just like that. He’s gone from our lives. Even if he gets our early he will be 50 years old and my son will be a grown man.
I’m not sure how I feel about all of this. I guess my brain is still processing it all. On one hand I am happy and relieved he’s getting the karma he deserves. On the other I’m so sad, disappointed. scared. I fear how my baby will handle all of this when he’s old enough to understand. How will it make him feel to know the truth? Will he be able to successfully distinguish himself from his father? Will he carry guilt? Will he carry shame?
It all makes me very nervous. I’m just not sure what to do but thankfully I have years to sort that out.
Also, Daddy is a rel piece of work. He just had to do all of this after I put so much work into everything. Especially child support. The same month we were about to make progress he sends himself to prison. He’s just determined not to let me win, huh? (My little joke of the whole thing)
Mama
Posted on | January 11, 2010 | 2 Comments
Aww my son is calling me MaMa now .. FINALLY! but it’s too bad the only time he calls me MaMa is when he cries. He will jsut sit there and say it over and over again “Mamamamamamamamamama” starting at me and hanging on to my leg until I pick him up. It get’s annoying, but God love him.
It started last night when I let him play on the floor while I laid in bed and watched and I guess he missed me so he started lookin around and said “Mama! Mamamamamamamamaaaaaa!” and he started whining until I got up and he saw me then he started crawling towards me and put his arms up for a pick up and said it again “Mamamamamama!”
Awww What a great feeling. He does it all of the time now mostly when he wants to get my attention or he’s ready to eat or sleep. Tug on my pants, Mamamamammama! He better start saying it when he’s happy too.
So he just turned 6months now he can
-Say “Mama”
-Crawl
-Climb
-Stand up
-Walk as long as he’s holding on to something
-Sit independently
-Roll
-Eat solids
-Pass things back and forth between hands
-Feed himself
I’m so dern proud of my boy. Next Doc asked me to start trying him with a sippy cup soon.
Debt, Court, Health
Posted on | January 5, 2010 | 4 Comments
I’m finally getting a mini time out from wrangling up the boy and working nonstop. My body is beyond exhausted from all this, plus the surgeries. sheesh.
Jack is pretty much doing everything now except walking independently and it’s blowing my mind. It’s like one day he could hardly crawl all that well and that next he was crawling, climbing, standing and taking steps when holding on to surfaces. I think it was because of the exersaucer and jumperoo he received as early Christmas presents. They really seemed to up his confidence in standing/walking and built up strength in his legs. According to his doctor he’s very advanced for his age because he’s doing things typically a 9 month old would be doing. I’m so very proud, but it has it’s drawbacks as well. For one I hate that he’s impossible to change and bathe because he wants to move around so much which really frustrates me lately. Especially since more and more often he’s been getting up the back poops .. every parents nightmare.
For two, I get no sleep because I have to wake up about 50 times a night to check on him since he’s crawled off the bed more times than I’d like to count while we sleep. I’m giving up cosleeping now and purchased him a crib.
I was going to participate in Ms. Single Mama’s “New Year, New Leaf Challenge”. I wrote up a few things I want to change this upcoming year, but I never got the time to finish writing it all out so it’s sitting as a draft that I will probably post eventually even though I’m now too late to officially enter. Working more diligently is one of the things I want to do this year. I had to face it: I’m in debt. Ever since I had my boy I don’t really work much and everything I bought for him had to be charged. My credit cards have reached a balance of $3k in total. Which isn’t horrible compared to most people but that’s more than I want to owe anyone. I’ve cut them up and vow to live off cold cash or debit now.
To keep up with this vow, I had to empty out my savings account over the weekend to buy my son a bed. barricading no longer works because he can climb over anything. So now we have no savings it’s completely do or die in order to survive.
I hope by the summer to have the debt paid off and hopefully a little savings built back up.
….
So I got noticed over the weekend that we finally have court with Daddy later this month. I don’t know how to feel about that. Part of me is happy to be moving forward in this child support case, the other part of me is nervous as hell to see him. It’s been over a year now and with all I’ve learned about him the past month. But I honestly don’t know how this would work out being that he’s in jail right now. He probably won’t even be there.
…..
One other thing I want to change is my cooking habits .. typically I don’t cook and I’m embarrassed to admit I still haven’t lost the baby weight. I bought a bunch of groceries and I’m going to cook them up and learn new recipes on the way. I’m putting myself on a low carb-ish diet because of how sedentary I am and I bought myself a Wii for Christmas that I will only buy interactive games for. I’m loving DDR!
Ok this is a start to my updates. I gotta run now to get things done while little man is sleeping.
Tags: cosleeping > financial struggles > postpartum fitness
I’m Back and Missing Body Parts
Posted on | December 28, 2009 | 4 Comments
December has been such a crazy month. Two surgical procedures within weeks of one another? Ooo wee! First was getting my wisdom teeth cut out the first week of December and I have to say that was an insufferable hell to live in. Just when things had started to get better, last weekend I began to get intense stomach pains which I thought was from dehydration. Now because it’s been irritating to me that people constantly ask “Do you have to take a shit?” every time I say my stomach hurts I will explain that it wasn’t pains in the sense of: “OMG! I ate something bad diarrhea’s a’comin”, but more like “OMG I DON’T CARE IF GOING TO THE HOSPITAL UNINSURED IS GOING TO COST ME A MILLION DOLLARS I THINK I’M GOING TO DIE OF THIS PAIN! PLEASE HELP ME SWEET BABY JESUS ASLEEP ON THE HAY!” pain. And uncontrollable vomiting of any and everything that hit the stomach for more than 20 seconds.
By Sunday night I was hospitalized and it turned out I my appendix was about to explode, plus I had an ovarian cyst so I had to get those bad boys removed. All my life I dreaded surgery but I guess with modern technology it’s not that bad. I have two unnoticeable stomach incisions and one c-section incision. I’ve been healing without pain meds. I was released Christmas Eve and spent time over my moms with my son. Christmas was just us 3 being snowed in her cozy apartment. I have to say that she drove me absolutely batshit insane after living with her a month and my son was picking up too many bad habits such staying up until midnight, wanting to be held at all times, throwing a fit when he doesn’t get his way .. all of which my mom catered to. No ma’am Miss Pam! so I pleaded to come home and here we are.
It’s so nice be home again, just the two of us. It’s still a little difficult to take care of him and he’s such a big crier and whiner now, but hopefully we can both be back to normal within a week or so.
Tags: single mom pregnancy > single mom stress > spoiling baby
Holidays and Baby
Posted on | November 29, 2009 | 3 Comments
I haven’t been online much at all the past week or two because my mom has had this new obsession with me with me and my son spending the night at her house. She will actually plead for us to which makes me feel bad saying no. I guess she’s really lonely or something .. or she’s afraid because she thinks my apartment is haunted. I kinda do too but that’s another story.
Thanksgiving was really nice .. I was so happy to be spending it with my son for the first time ever .. but all the same these holidays are kinda rough. Everyone loves the new baby you know so they fuss over him and pass him around a lot. There are so many faces he isn’t used to and so many loud voices that he was so overwhelmed. Odd thing is when he’s around people he doesn’t know he doesn’t cry. When he has had enough of a particular situation he kinda gets this worried look on his face and he might groan a little, yet he’s too concerned with what’s going on that he won’t eat or sleep either. I took him home that night, just us two, and he really let me have it. All of that pent up frustration .. I never heard him cry so hard!
One more to go! I think we will be having a big Christmas dinner as well.
Speaking of I don’t know what to get for my son .. I mean Christmas came pretty early this ear because last month I bought him a Baby Einstein tunnel, this past week I bought him $200 worth of winter clothes and toys. Plus he doesn’t even know the difference.
He can crawl now, he’s sitting up independently, he can roll, switch directions and push up on his toes when he’s on his hands and knees. He’s mostly obsessed with trying to stand, walk and jump .. so I really wanna get him a Jumperoo but I have a cross fear of him not wanting to play with it .. and also my aunts or cousins buying him one. A couple of them have said they want to get him one or a walker (which btw I don’t want and keep trying to drop hints not to get we have carpet!) .. so either way if I get one now I fear I will waste money.
Oh yeah .. a random thought .. one thing thats currently REALLY bugging me when I let him stay with other people is how cute everyone thinks it is that my son is entranced with television so they will sit right there close infront of it with him for as long as possible and just let him stare. At first I didn’t mind if it was occasional and only for a minute or two but now it’s starting to chap my ass because I feel it’s the making of a bad habit. I don’t watch TV myself and I don’t wanna raise my son to watch tv either. I mean there are so many other better things to do than just sit there for hours .. so this is another habit I’m going to have to get my relatives to break.
The same applies to me. Lately I feel bored and like I need to be intellectually stimulated somehow because I don’t feel I’ve been learning much of anything. I think in Jan I will go back to school if I can.
Anyway, this entry is all over the place and pretty random but I just wanted to catch up. I’m going back to bed now.
UPDATE on “Sitter Abuse”
Posted on | November 18, 2009 | 2 Comments
So I got my son back this morning and out of precaution I checked him over and he seems fine. Nothing out of the ordinary, no bruises or punctures and he still seems like a happy baby which is good. I feel relief.
I will go on and assume nothing horrible happened to him while at my aunts, but I will also assume my uncle did fuck with him in some way or another since he said he did. Even if it was just tickling him or making noises to wake him up that’s not acceptable. He’s just a baby who needs his rest. So he will no longer go over there unsupervised.
Some of you may wonder why I let him go over there when I said I was unsure of if I trusted them .. the thing is, as a mom, I don’t really trust anyone with my son but myself because I know no one loves him the way I do. While he’s away I wonder what all could possibly happen accidental or not that I have no control over since I’m not there. There are also many cases where you may think you know and trust someone, but then they do horrible things to people for some reason or another that you never thought they would be capable of doing. No one knows another person 100% probably for the simple fact that none of us read minds to know what all goes on through a person’s head.
Sometimes it’s hard to decipher where I’m being paranoid or where I’m feeling valid motherly instincts. In this particular instance these were not just strangers I dropped him off at. They are people I’ve known all of my life, and while my aunt did weird things to me as a child she never full on abused me sexually or otherwise. My uncle was always uninvolved so at the time I felt he would be OK in their care. He very well could still possibly be. This all could be a misunderstanding and I may be overreacting, but because I AM a good parent and I DO care about my son I have made the decision not to put him in that situation again.
Sitter Abuse
Posted on | November 17, 2009 | 8 Comments
My mom kept my son last night and since I was tired she asked me if I would be OK with her taking my son over to my aunt’s house before she went to work so I could rest and because my aunt has been dying to watch my boy. I told her I suppose that would be OK and my son stayed with them (her and her husband) for about 8 hours until I came and picked him up.
My aunt always weirds me out kinda with my son. She’s always obsessed with changing his diaper and wanting to give him baths. This has never sat well with me because I always thought it was stange she wanted to do that so often, but I never really said anything cause I thought maybe she just wanted to help out.
Anyway, what that has to do with anything is my mom just called me and told me my other aunt went over there to visit and my aunts husband told her that while my son was asleep he was messing with him and did things to wake him up. Either he didn’t say what or my aunt didn’t tell my mom what, but now I have a very bad feeling. When I went to go get him I already had a bad feeling because I’ve never been sure if I trust them a lot or not. Now I’m wondering what the hell were they doing to my baby?
Thinking back when I was a little kid .. up until I was about 7 this same aunt used to always try to stick her boobs in my mouth and tell me to suck her milk out even though she’s never had kids before. Like seriously whip her boobs out and rub them on my face and try to get them in my mouth. Sometimes she’d bite and suck on me in a sexualish manner on my neck. It weirded me out as a kid but my mom told me not to worry about it because it’s just my aunt being silly and since it’s been stopped for so many years I’ve kinda forgotten about it, but hell no is that going to go on with my son.
I’m pissed now and feel so bad that I didn’t think of this and let him over there. I don’t know what else to do except not let them see him anymore.
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