Posted on | August 24, 2012 | 20 Comments
Lately I have had the overwhelming urge to start over and make a new life for myself. I just don’t like where I am in life and location anymore. I feel so lost and am constantly wondering “what next?”. All of my friends have left this state and have made wonderful new lives for themselves in their new locations, leaving me to be the last Oklahoman standing. I know absolutely no one here yet I have been here all of my life. Pretty sad … I dunno. I am finding myself needing to start over one way or another. I’m just not sure I want to do it here, I’m not happy here. I kinda wanna follow suit of my friends and get out ASAP.
For one, I’m not meeting a lot of new people I connect with, both friends and dating. I feel like most people here that I come across just don’t get me. For 2) There’s not much going on here that allows for someone like me to get out and meet people. I’d like better opportunities to do what I enjoy, but can’t find many that don’t involve getting drunk. Or eating.
But then that leaves so many questions I have to ask myself. Like “Where do I go?” I could move to Texas which is where half my friends have gone. I will know people and will definitely have more opportunities. But sometimes I feel like Texas is just a nicer version of Oklahoma. I want change. I want to be around different people than I’m used to. I want diversity and a little bit more … liberalness. Some place like NYC, though I’m not sure I, a small city girl, could handle NYC. And I have absolutely no connections there.
I also wonder “How will I meet new people?” I’m single, a mother and I work from home. If I move some place where I know no one who will watch my son for me allowing me to have free weekends or time to spend in my endeavors? I love my son, but could I really stand to be tied to him 24-7 with no breaks?
So much that needs to be worked out.
My question is, have any of you single moms done what I want to do? Have you packed up and made a new life for yourself somewhere with a kid in tow? If so how did it work out? Did you have the same concerns I have? How did those work out?
I mean I still have a couple years. I wanna finish my school, I need to save, get a car and get back on my feet. But still. 5 years tops and I’m gone. I really really long for change.
Posted on | July 18, 2012 | 12 Comments
God it’s been too long since I’ve posted here. I’m a freaking jerk. Forgive me.
I keep so busy with work, school, trying to maintain my sanity that I just rarely find the time or inspiration to sit down and write out my thoughts. I do read your comments and emails even if I don’t have the time to respond to them all. I will try to be better though.
I’m so tired, yall. Being a single mom is taking every thing out of me. I feel like no matter what I put into it it’s never enough.
First of all I have to work full time and I’m going to college full time which takes up big portions of my day. On top of it there is the domestic side of parenting. My home is never clean for more than a day or two and it really brings me down. I try to keep it in order, but sooner or later I stop being able to keep up with my son and his messes. I become exhausted and give up. I have other things to do, and I give up. That leads to not being able to see the floor of any room in the house within as little as hours. Food gets snuck into various parts of the apartment and left there until I find it. Because of that along with the summer weather I now have a serious roach problem on my hands which makes me even more depressed. They crawl every where on every thing, even me! I can’t cook in my own kitchen because they crawl over EVERY THING there too! The dishes, drawers, counters, cabinets. Nothing is safe. I hate having to eat out for every meal, or a frozen dinner, or just nothing at all. That’s the only upside to the roaches. I’ve lost so much weight because I’d rather be hungry than eat at home. My poor son lives off corn dogs, frozen sandwiches and meals, or fast food. I mean I try to always pick sandwiches over burgers and fries most of the time, but it’s still not as good as a home cooked meal which a growing boy really needs. I get that and I feel like a fail mom cuz of it.
My son is not much help, obviously since he is primarily the cause. Now that he’s 3 years old I’m working on holding him more accountable. Every now and then if there’s a mess, like food on the floor I will make him pick it up and put it in the trash. I’m trying to get him used to always leaving food in the trash and he’s starting to get the hang of it but we have a loooooooooooooooong ways to go.
Then there are other domestic things I can hardly keep up with such as laundry (have to go to a mat) and shopping. Always behind on those.
The other thing I hate and battle with is his sleeping schedule. He’s impossible to get to bed early. Even if I put him in bed at 10, he won’t go to actual sleep until midnight or later. Then when it’s time to wake up in the morning it’s almost impossible. I struggle and struggle and he just will not wake up which leads to him sometimes missing day care because I just can’t no matter what I do .. sit him up, tap his face, wash his face, set an alarm. I learned a trick yesterday that he is sooo into animal crackers right now that if I can just get him awake enough and I say to him “Wake up Jack so you can have some cookies!” he will jump right outta bed. But what happens when he doesn’t care about cookies anymore?
Money is tight because although I try to work full time, that doesn’t always happen. Things seem to always come up. such as my car going to complete shit. The mechanics told me to just come pick it up and sell it to the salvage yard. So that’s what I had to do. I made $200 for that, but now I have to figure out a way to make car payments so I can have transportation. My mom works down the street from the day care so she takes my son for me, but other than that I don’t really get to leave the house more than a couple times a week on her schedule. Whenever she can take me to the store or something. It freaking sucks.
Yeah, I’m still around. Yeah, I’m still making it. But damn is shit ever hard right now. I really need help and wish more than ever I had a partner to share some responsibility with, but I know that’s not an option right now so I just keep going …
Posted on | December 28, 2011 | 28 Comments
It breaks my heart when I discipline my son and he silently weeps and sniffles cuddled in the corner with his teddy bears while giving me the sad eyes.
Damn, damn, damnit.
Whatever! I am not that bad guy here! I will not give in!
Posted on | December 21, 2011 | 13 Comments
So I know I’ve been horrible at updating this blog lately. School was kicking my ass and my life revolved pretty much around homework and my son, but it’s over now and I’m proud to say I ended it with a 4.0 BAM! Hopefully I can knock it out next semester as well. I’m trying really hard to get scholarships to help my out financially so that I don’t have to quit my program. I have about 3 more years to go so I need all of the help I can get. Being a single mom, going to college full time and trying to work is not an easy task so I want to make it as easy as possible on myself. I’ve found some scholarships for bipolar and a couple for women of computer sciences. If anyone knows anymore for single moms or something please let me know!
Things have been going pretty well my son is 2.5 now. Can you believe it? I can’t! He talks sooooooooooooo much now! Within the past week or so his vocabulary has increased about 2x what it had before. He’s such a bigga man and so smart.
I haven’t talked to Daddy much lately because of school and me not having time. We went to see him in September I think. “Hey check this out”, he said looking around to see if any guards were near or watching us before he rolled up the sleeves on his periwinkle button up shirt. Across his arm in big, bold, blue letters it read JAKOBE, our son’s name. His very first prison tattoo. He looked at it and our son proudly. “Do you like it?” He asked. I don’t know what to think. I guess its flattering but prison tats are so gross, though admittedly this was well done for what it was. He’s been trying as much as he can. Christmas cards and a $50 gift card to buy toys. Still it feels like we’re not doing enough. Jack has been sorta forgetting him. He has to take a minute to remember his face when he sees pictures then he’s like “Oh that’s my daddy!” Prison relationships of any kind, especially when there are children involved FREAKIN SUCK!
Posted on | December 11, 2011 | 7 Comments
Am I the only one with a child that gets into, destroys and misplaces just about every thing we have? I found myself sitting in my chair, despondent and frustrated thinking of my $100 carpet cleaning vacuum that is missing so many pieces that I can clean my smelly, disgusting carpet that has stains of various colors and substances speckled all over it. My apartment is very small and I don’t have much room for storage so I have no choice but to sit my vacuums in the corner of the room where he obviously has access to.
But this is a never ending story. At least 3 days a week I sit defeated and bummed out reflecting on things I’ve lost because of my busy, curious toddler.
This fucking sucks.
Posted on | September 9, 2011 | 11 Comments
I just completed my 3rd week college. So far things are a lot harder than I originally thought they would be. I go to school fulltime, I try to find time to work part-time and be a mom to my rowdy 2 year old and find time to do all of my homework assignments. By the end of the night I’m just worn out. I feel like I never get enough sleep.
I don’t know what to do with myself because I feel like I’m not handling it well. I’m doing well on all of my assignments so far, BUT I’m so behind financially because it’s been so difficult to find time to put hours into work and just part time aint cutting it anyway. After rent and electricity being paid I’m currently -$200 in my checking account, my savings have been wiped out and my credit cards are all maxed. I just don’t know what I’m gonna do. I have no money for credit card payments, no money to pay my bills, no money for a daycare copayment. The weather is getting pretty cool and all of my son’s pants are high waters but I have no money to buy him anything new. Fuck. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I have a military check coming in hopefully a week or two but it will only be $200. Just enough to get me out of a deficit. I have a financial aid grant refund but my school so nicely decided at this moment in time to go “green” so we have to be issued credit cards and have the money transferred onto those. Who knows when the credit cards will come and the balance transferred.
I’m fucking drowning and don’t know what to do. I’ve already sold all of my stuff to keep afloat before when we have struggled in the past, so I have nothing but the bare minimum right now.
Daddy called me and I completely broke down over the phone with him. I could tell he felt horrible and was panicing for us inside, but he remained calm and talked me down and did all he could to make me laugh. He told me not to worry one bit and that he would fix things and take good care of us, which I guess means he will try to get his dad to send us money or he’s gonna send me his book money. I don’t know. I do know I don’t want his book money. We have food at least, without his books he won’t be able to eat or buy his necessities, so although I appreciate his gesture he can keep that. I’d rather find a way than him starve. Nevertheless, he did a good job of pepping me up, but I’m still stressing.
Posted on | August 28, 2011 | 7 Comments
I do have an update about the entry I wrote last week, about how my mom was jealous of Daddy and his family, their roles in our lives and how she wanted them out. Well last Sunday I guess something happened at church and that night she called me and asked how she could write Daddy. I asked her why and she said she felt wrong and figured she should reach out to him and make the best of their relationship since he is the father of her grandbaby and will always be there in some way or another. I found that surprising, sudden, but nice enough so I gave her his address. Turns out that next day she wrote him a nice letter accepting him in and she also sent him a check for $50 to put on his books. He was so shocked and thrilled. As was I.
However, the most shocking part for me was when he wrote her back. She didn’t have her glasses, so when the mail came she brought the letter over and asked me if I would like to read it aloud to her and I did. He thanked her, he talked about his love for Jack, what life is like in prison, then at the end of the letter he began telling her how much he loves me, how I’m everything he’s ever wanted in a woman, how blessed he is to still have me in his life and how he feels he can’t live without me .. and then came the shocker … he said he would like to propose and he asked for her permission to marry me. This is news to me. I had no idea, so I guess apparently I was not supposed to read the letter. Yowzers!
Wow. I’m just completely floored. I don’t know what to think or say. Jack and I are supposed to go visit in a couple of weeks and I’m wondering if that’s when he will do it. Just .. wow. Wow. I have no speech right now.
Posted on | August 18, 2011 | 12 Comments
How long are you supposed to go on punishing someone for the past? If a person makes a big mistake what do they have to do to merit forgiveness?
My mom let it be known that she’s very unhappy with the fact that I’m involved with my son’s dad as well as his family. He’s so grumpy and bitter especially now that he and I are closer romantically, as friends and as co-parents. She said he does not deserve it. He was not there in the beginning.
Prison is really the best thing that could have happened to us. He’s clean now which has made a huge difference in who he is as a person. He’s not the same druggy asshole who lived day to day on a diet of meth, pills and marijuana. Clean Daddy is actually a pretty cool, laid-back, funny, smart and interesting guy. Furthermore, prison has allowed us to sit down and really talk and get to know one another no distractions. We realized over time that we have more in common and get along better than we did before. We are very dear friends. He tries to be as good a dad as possible to our son. Our son loves him and talks about “Daddy” constantly. This past year and change has been calm for us. But because he wasn’t there that first year am I to never forgive him and forever hold a grudge? If he’s still around when Jack is, say, 5 he will have been around 4 years to his absence of 1 year. Do I blow off those 4 and continue holding the 1 over his head?
I just don’t get it. That’s now how I live my life. Our past is ugly, yes. But I’m truly over that part of my life by now. 2 years have passed. My mom is such a miserable person and I wish she wouldn’t live her life like that either. Forever a cynic, pessimistic. I also think it’s a case of jealousy and possessiveness. She feels because she’s been around Jack is HER’S. Fact of the matter he is half mine, half Daddy’s. He’s as much Daddy’s parent’s as he is her’s and so on.
This is really just a rant. I’m getting sick of her eyes rolls and snide remarks each time either Jack or I talk about his dad.keep looking »